To be shocked so many women are defending Saatchi on MN?

[PoppyAmex]

Thread about a million other threads...

I'm disappointed to read the comments of so many women spouting apologist crap regarding Saatchi's heinous behaviour:

"he looks like he's checking her glands"
"we don't know what she said before he did that"
"we need to hear his side of the story"
"we don't know the background"
"she must be mortified"

YABU to be genuinely shocked with just how many women chose to align themselves with such despicable behaviour?

It makes no sense to me.

The fact that her face isn't shocked, that there are no defensive moves shows me that this is a regular thing for him.

Can Mumsnet towers have a word and ask her on here? I want to give her a great big hug and tell her that she'll be OK.

That occurred to me too MatersMate :(

Oh, and I hear she left the home... if it were all a 'jape', she'd not leave, would she?

The really scary thing is that this is just one abusive twat we have pictures of. If two women a week are murdered by their partners or ex-partners then there's a hell of a lot more of this out there - unpictured, no media storm, no help.

I think it speaks volumes about this situation that Charles Saatchi has released a (damning) statement and Nigella Lawson has remained very silent.

Surely if the photos were misrepresentative Nigella would have raced to defend him? But no, she's disappeared with her children.

a general point, but why i would not automatically think 'oh if it was false, they'd get sued for libel, so it must be true'

there is not much difference in the opposite thought of "its a tabloid, so every story in it must be false"

(IMO) the point of this thread is that different people are seeing different things in this photo and story (bit like a rorschach inkblot test) Speaking for myself, having experience something similar to what happened to Nigella, I immediately saw DV. I think its worth pointing out to those who didnt want to see DV, that this is a cultural phenomenon that should be countered. We shouldnt try so hard to explain it away, or assume that its not happening when its right in front of us.

Imake : Claire, the point is that to focus on CS is to focus on the fact that what he did was wrong, that nothing NL could have done would excuse abusive behaviour. So whatever they were arguing about it is not acceptable to do xyz.

That's fine - but it doesn't preclude someone's first reaction to be empathy for Nigella does it?

And it is also possible to show her empathy and condemn him at the same time but to say it is all about him and his actions as the OP has and to focus only on him as you imply should be the case serves only to make her invisible.

One of the problems with DV is that the victims often are invisible due to the shame and embarrasment that they feel (even though they shouldn't) so people claiming it should all be about him and his actions actually leaves a rather bad taste in my mouth because it suggests that her and her feelings aren't as important.

Mummy

I agree. The great weight of society denies and denies. It needs to be slapped in the chops by thins

this, not thins

well, i wouldnt go so far as to say every story in a tabloid is false, but most of the stories involving celebs? wouldnt surprise me. the whole sleb culture is built on falsehood, drama and image, and celebs and the media work together to keep it that way. make ups, break ups, a lot of that is just for show.

it is not, therefore, surprising, if people show initial scepticism over this.

i am defending people's right not to rush to judge on the basis of one tabloid article. i am certainly not defending his actions

Back2Two, not everyone spends any time at all reading about what people get up to in their private life. i am sadly one of those who did not see a photo of nigella in 2012, altho i did see the burkini photo so am not totally living in a world of celebrity isolation

I learned about all this from this MN thread with links on the first page to 3 different tabloid papers reporting the story.

Sorry, OP, just realised I havent really addressed you!

YANBU at all. The shocking thing about people defending Saatchi or, as I see it, trying very hard not to "see" the DV is that it is indicative of one of the greatest problems in our society, namely that DV is surrounded by a culture of silence. We should break that silence more often, we should remind women that they will be believed, they will be helped, attackers will be named and shamed and brought to justice, and we are not all blind to what is going on all around us.

Claire you're speaking about empathy towards the victim and I totally agree with you, but I can't imagine how telling the victim of a crime "I'd be mortified if I were you" is supportive or denotes any empathy.

In fact, I find it exceedingly inappropriate and abhorrent.

Hopefully Nigella will find a support network of loved ones and/or professionals who can help her heal, but my point remains the same; in the context of that attack the onus is on him and solely on him.

Talking about her "shame" and "mortification" is a slippery slope.

Imake said it very eloquently:

"I have split up with an abusive husband recently. I have read accounts of other women who have and we don't all feel the same things. No-one but the woman herself knows what she feels. Hopefully she will be able to talk to friends and family about it, so doesn't need the public to speculate on her feelings. We do, however, as a society need to condemn domestic abuse. Which is why many people focus on discussing him."

I noticed in his statement that he said that he "told" her to take the children ...etc.

Interesting phrase.

Mastermate The thing that struck me, is that he didn't look like he had lost control at all - it all looked very calculated :(

YANBU to be shocked if indeed what you say is happening, is.

I have seen no defending, just people putting suggestions as to what might be happening as the reality is so horrifying and upsetting to contemplate.

LEM

Yes, like he is taking control.

That Jim Crace piece in the Guardian (The Digested Read) is very revealing. Seems some people know him for what he is

There is no defence- there is no excuse that makes it acceptable.

LEMisdisappointed yes, abusers dont lose their temper, they use their temper.

The picture where he is pulling her nose is quite frankly, vile.

It is astonishing that people see those photos and don't see the easy casual violence that CS exhibits to NL and the fear on her face. There are other people in those photos watching the abuse - it wasn't silent, he was apparently shouting at her. She was crying and trying to placate him after he had placed his hands round her neck. How much more evidence of violence is needed?

However if anyone needed any more evidence of his culpability, he has admitted in his statement that it happened during an argument and that he did it to "emphasise" a point -although what kind of point (apart from "do what I say or I will hurt you" do you think he was trying to make?

Scarily for NL he must feel absolutely untouchable if he can do this in a public place, I would be extraordinarily surprised if this was the first time.

As others have said statement released by CS is absolutely hideous - particularly the part about having "told her" to take the children. That part absolutely screams control.

Bobby wash and anyone else who hasn't bothered ddoing any research -do yourself and us a favour and look at ALL the photos before opining - it would save a lot of time and frustration of those that actually care about domestic violence.

How ANYONE could except, accept, condone, mitigate this is unbelievable.

Poor woman