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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ds 6 saw porn

63 replies

omgitcantbetrue · 17/06/2013 12:47

I went out with dh.Good friend and her son (6) came to stay over/babysit.
Her ds had a new ipad.I didn't think to ask her if it had security locking.I regret that.I also do not blame her.

The boys were in his room.I agreed they could stay up late and went out.
In the morning after friends had left DS approached me, giggling and said...

'last night xx typed in boobs in the ipad.Cut a long story short were upstairs for a good hour or so looking up boobs

" boobs rubbing against each other, old long boobs??? WTF women kissing and giggling around.

Upon further questioning there were no men in the images and VIDEOS they watched.

I feel upset, and that this is premature! I am upset.

I told him we all have boobs and bits, me , your grandmother, your friends mums.They are normal.

AIBU to feel upset? DH is a bit whatever, shame ,but it is normal boy behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 17/06/2013 12:47

DS is 6

OP posts:
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 17/06/2013 12:49

I was upset when my DD (5) heard the Word fuck from a boy in her class so I def don't think your are BU

BrokenBanana · 17/06/2013 12:50

Yanbu to feel upset. I wouldn't make a big deal of it though, it's done now. Maybe now would be a good time to introduce a child's book on human biology.

ManAliveThisThingsFantastic · 17/06/2013 12:50

Your friend definitely needs telling. You don't know who else the boy is showing this to and could find himself in trouble, as could your friend. Is she aware of the parental controls that can be applied? Make sure she is

MerryMarigold · 17/06/2013 12:56

It is really not normal boy behaviour for a 6 yo. Your dh is going to do your ds no favours with that attitude. Is it that he doesn't want to deal with it?

I have a 7yo and I would be very upset if this happened. I would explain that boobs are private and you don't look at other people's. Why do you think people cover them up? It's not respectful to women like you wouldn't pull up Mummy's top when she's out.

I don't think you need to make a huge deal about this and go on about it for ages, but I would explain the above and say you never want him to do something like this again. And then leave it. Actually it would be better if your dh could do it.

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 17/06/2013 13:00

I have spoken to friend.She apologised.I do not think it is normal.He is not exactly going to just forget about it, I feel angry that he has been exposed to sexualised behaviour.I rarely let DS use i pads computers.I usually monitor .And now this.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 17/06/2013 13:01

Children this age should not have unsupervised access to the internet. By the time they are in secondary school and have their own phones, etc., there will be nothing you can do about it admittedly. But by that time they will be more understanding of what they're seeing, better able to set it into context, more aware of the dangers of the internet (both in terms of what they see, and also what they themselves put out there that could come back to haunt them), and better able to protect themselves.

It's an unpopular view, but allowing a child unrestricted access to the internet at age 6 is poor parenting. You wouldn't allow your child to play out for hours, whereabouts unknown, unsupervised at this age, and yet allowing them to do so online is far more dangerous.

With children aged 6 or so (infant age!), parents can - and should IMO - be able to control what children see and how often. PArt of that is ensuring that when they go to friend's houses, etc., the parents are of a similar mindset/have parental controls/whatever.

I'm not judging you for falling into this situation. It's fairly natural to assume that people you otherwise like and respect will have similar parenting values to your own so you're fooled into a false sense of security. However, as you've just found out, assumptions are unwise and most parents have no idea how easy it is for their children to find wildly inappropriate and highly damaging material on the internet. What's happened has happened, and in this case doesn't sound too bad, but now you know about this you can take steps to avoid it in the future.

Sorry if this sounds lecturing. You sound like a good, caring parent. It just frustrates me that people are so blasé about children accessing the internet.

verytellytubby · 17/06/2013 13:03

Think I'm more shocked a 6 year old had his own iPad!

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 13:03

It's not normal boy behavior to look at porn (but it's fairly normal kid behavior to be curios about sex/bit and bobs etc).

I'd want to stress to him the difference between stuff like that and 'reality' iyswim? Though it's hard as he's too young for either to be easily understood tbh.

Just let it blow over and make sure you've addressed it with him in a way that you feel happy with.

MerryMarigold · 17/06/2013 13:04

I know you don't think it is normal behaviour, but you said your dh thought it was normal. I think it would much more powerful if your dh had a word with him. And then you forget about it.

ghayes · 17/06/2013 13:05

I think it's perfectly normal for a 6 year old boy to be curious about boobs. If you make a big deal of it he'll probably just be more curious about it because it's forbidden.

ubik · 17/06/2013 13:05

You need to tell your friend to set google to safe mode and put whatever checks on it she can - children should only use it while adults are around.

Even in safe mode it is possible to watch the Taliban executing people, just via YouTube. Don't get started on MSN messenger etc

It shocks me how blasé people are about children and the Internet.

squeakytoy · 17/06/2013 13:06

I honestly wouldnt get too upset about it. But you have all learnt a lesson in internet security.

It is quite normal curiosity at that age.

I remember being about 6 or 7, and while playing out with friends, we saw a porn mag that had been dumped by someone .. (this was in the 70's so a lot tamer than the mags these days) and we just giggled about the photos of naked women.. none of us were harmed by it..

"boobs" really is age appropriate naughty curiosity, and from what you have said they didnt see any of the disturbing stuff that they could potentially have seen..

ubik · 17/06/2013 13:07

And it's totally normal to be curious.

BarbarianMum · 17/06/2013 13:07

Actually, I disagree. Most 6 year olds are curious about 'rude' things but also quite innocent. So they will try typing 'willy' or 'boobs' or 'poo' into a search engine with really no understanding of what they might find. That is why parental controls are so important.

OP in your position I'd be furious. It is really neglectful to allow children unsupervised, unrestricted internet access.

ManAliveThisThingsFantastic · 17/06/2013 13:10

Perhaps it's just me but I think it sounds like the friend's child has looked at this sort of thing before and, perhaps, even knows it is taboo and that is why they did it upstairs and went into such detail as to watch videos.

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 17/06/2013 13:13

I didn't know that his i pad was connected to the internet.

I thought that to access the internet he would have to have our home password.I hate DS playing on those things, especially when with friends, as I think they should be playing.
AS friend was bb sitting for me I kind of thought that I should make it easy for her and cut them all some slack.It didn't even cross my mind that they might be online.

OP posts:
SparkyTGD · 17/06/2013 13:14

Try and be thankful they didn't see much worse.

It is normal 'boy' behaviour IMO to type 'boobs' into a search engine. But it is parental responsibility to monitor use at a young age.

You need to talk to your friend, she has made a mistake and needs to be more careful in future. Maybe also remind her of the kind of things (very explicit) that they could have stumbled upon by accident.

I would be raging, not with my son (I have 8yr old DS) or his friend but with the adult responsible (your friend).

SparkyTGD · 17/06/2013 13:16

At age 6 they would also not really understand the sexualised nature of what they have seen, I think.

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 17/06/2013 13:30

I just typed in boobs on the internet.It does not just show boobs but some heavy stuff.Perhaps ds has not been honest/ does not understand what he saw.From the bit of boobs online searching I just did, I am worried and sad

OP posts:
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 17/06/2013 13:37

I agree with Sparky just be relieved that he didn't see something worse like the be headings etc that Ubik mentioned. If he saw something upsetting I'm sure he would've confided in you by now since he's so little

WilsonFrickett · 17/06/2013 13:38

OK, so it's done now and I think you have to put your feelings to one side.

How is DS about it? If he is just giggly and a bit sheepish, it's likely that he has made no connection between what he saw and something sexual - I appreciate you've now searched and saw something 'heavy' but you are coming at it from an adult point of view. DS won't view it the same way as you, I promise.

If however he seems a bit upset/clingy then what he's seen has upset him and you're going to have to put your own upset to one side to talk to him about what he saw - but again, this isn't in terms of 'sexy' it's in terms of something unknown and therefore frightening, iyswim.

What I'm saying is, he's either not really registered it, or he's scared. If he's scared, do what you'd do for any other 'scary thing', like monsters or bad dreams. Otherwise minimise it, don't make it in to forbidden fruit. It was a genuine accident. Something like 'mummy is sorry you saw those things, they are meant for grown-ups and private.' Keep it on the downlow.

And of course I don't need to tell you not to leave him unsupervised with that friend again!

Honestly, it's not brilliant but it's not terrible either if you look at it through his eyes, rather than ours.

zippey · 17/06/2013 17:41

Whats done is done and I would now have a talk to him about the birds, bees and body parts. I sometimes think saying that things are private makes them more likely to be curious. I wouldnt make it a big deal, and restriction to the internet is required, but he wont be harmed by this,

Id also add that if he watches pop music videos he probably sees a lot of sexualised images - from Rihanna to Si.

It is normal for children to be curious about the world around them.

everlong · 17/06/2013 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donnadoon · 17/06/2013 17:54

In defence of these boys I used to type BOOBS into my calculator all the time as a kid, And I agree with everything Wilson said.