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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my MIL aggravating....

52 replies

allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 12:57

She's just contacted my dp to remind him to speak to his dad today, he's in his 30's fgs! It's just the tip of things that rattle my cage. Last time I saw her at a family event, she managed to chastise me for leaving food in front of everyone! Think she struggles to see us as our own people, even though we own a property and both work full time. I dread meeting with her now, as there's always a scathing undertone. Even though I have been with dp 5 years she's never once asked me a question about my life or family. I am a prolific question asker, it's so awkward being asked nothing back!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/06/2013 13:00

was your partner going to contact his dad today? or is he likely to have forgotten?

just because you have been with him 5 years and he is 30 doesnt mean his mother should not contact him directly if she wants to..

as for being a proflic question asker, that translates to me as being nosy

Salmotrutta · 16/06/2013 13:02

What do you mean by "leaving food in front of everyone"?

Hard to judge really, just sounds a bit irritating to me. It doesn't sound like she is nasty or whatever.

diddl · 16/06/2013 13:03

Does she have grounds for thinking that he would/might forget?

I love my husband & think that he would be hurt if forgotten on F/day.

What't the harm in a reminder if necessary?

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2013 13:04

What is it with women and their MILs?

Even on fairly male dominated forums, you rarely see men picking out petty little things about their PILs.

She doesn't do/see things your way, that's all.

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:05

Leaving food, in front of everyone. (Needed a comma). I left some of my meal and in a loud voice basically told me I was wasteful!

He would have text! Yes! He is a grown man, capable of remembering life details!

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 16/06/2013 13:06

Yanbu, fathers day is hardly something someone forgets unless of course they want to.
I know what you mean re reminding a grown man, my dh has been reminded of fathers day 3 days in a row now by sil & mil. Why, who would forget an abusive, narcissicist on fathers day...(pulls sarcastic face)

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 16/06/2013 13:06

This is similar to my MIL. She rings every year to remind DH of FILs birthday and fathers day. We moved out 10 years ago, DH is in his 30's, and we have never forgotten either day. In fact I often have his gifts sat here wrapped and ready about 3 weeks in advance of the date.
I don't think she is doing that to be nasty, I think she just doesn't want his Dad to miss out.
It is one thing I let go over my head, and just realise that DH can be forgetful, and maybe MIL thinks I have finally told DH to sort his own gift giving out.
Maybe in her house her husband sorts his side of the family out and she sorts hers?

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:08

Also squeaky toy I'm not nosey, conversation is a back and forth thing. So I might ask how something/someone is? She answers and then no question back. The woman doesn't even know my siblings name, or what I do for a living! It's awkward.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/06/2013 13:08

texting is not the same as speaking, so maybe she has a point

maybe you are the sort of person who feels victimised and offended with any comment she makes..

bettycocker · 16/06/2013 13:16

For some reason my MIL thinks that it must be my job to keep track of everything and keep dates in my calendar. Clearly this is a woman's role. Hmm

I just put it down to being a generational thing. Thanks to feminism, I can expect DP to remember his own important dates and not feel guilty if he doesn't.

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:16

Ha ha squeaky. Well I'm 3 mil's down in my life and this is the first tricky number! 2 of them I still miss to this day. She's certainly been frosty from the get go. First meeting at pils house she didn't even greet me hello! Just stayed in the kitchen whilst I floundered in the hall. I was left thinking perhaps I should leave. Very strange.

OP posts:
Succubi · 16/06/2013 13:17

I must say I find the whole MIL bashing threads tiresome. You have known him for five years she has known him for 30. So what if she calls him to remind him. Seriously are you listening to yourself? Talk about major overreaction.

Delayingtactic · 16/06/2013 13:20

Yeah I don't think it's that bad. My mom will ring and remind me of things as I have the memory of a goldfish for certain things. I don't think DH gives a crap because, we'll, she's my mom and she can tell me whatever she likes.

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:26

Thanks succubi, I always find if I don't like the look of a thread (containing the words MIL or whatnot) what I do is just not click on it. As I don't like to moan about my mil to my dp. It's nice to have an impartial chat on here.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 16/06/2013 13:29

She can speak to her son how she likes,he didn't stop being her son when he married you.

squeakytoy · 16/06/2013 13:30

Would love to hear the MILs side of this... Grin

Succubi · 16/06/2013 13:31

you're more than welcome for the impartial advice.

DontmindifIdo · 16/06/2013 13:31

hmm, the fathers day reminder and the telling you off for not clearing your plate both make me think she's treating you like children, who tells someone else off for not clearing their plate except in a parent/child relationship? do you think this could be what you find so annoying? It's annoying enough when your own parents haven't clocked that you're not 12 anymore, but for someone like your MIL to do it when they have only ever known you as an adult is plain irritating.

Do you have DCs? Plus you say DP so I guess you're not married - often parents don't see their DCs are 'grown up' until they get married/have DCs of their own. Does it feel like she's not treating you as an equal? It seems both infantising you and maintaining the "woman of first importance" to your DP (being the one to remind him of things, not his DP)

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:37

Exactly dontmind! You've summed up what I mean! No DC's and no marriage. However that is on the imminent cards Wink she's going to love that! She definitely needs to relinquish her hold, I mean she knows I have a dad who of course I spoke to this morning, it's like does she not think my DP and I communicate and talk about Father's Day coming up. Her texting/calling are more than fine. It's the patronising element. She never just rings to see how he is, there's always an undertone.

OP posts:
londone17 · 16/06/2013 13:37

It sounds as if she likes being in control. I say " I can manage, thank you" when people do this.

diddl · 16/06/2013 13:46

Well if he doesn't mind being patronised by his mum, then it's up to him, isn't it-unless he moans on to you about it.

If you didn't like being told off for not finishing a meal, what did you do about it?

Original poster
allthatglittersisnotgold · 16/06/2013 13:49

What do you mean what did I do about it diddl? I picked up the nearest wet fish and rattled it round her chops! Is there any other option?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/06/2013 13:53

Well you could have said nothing, you could have said "I am sorry, I am really full", you could have said "well that was shit, I cant eat that"..

It also depends on how much you left. If I cooked a meal for someone and they left a lot of it, I would wonder why they had left it. If they just left a little bit, I wouldnt think anything of it.

usualsuspect · 16/06/2013 13:56

Someone asking me endless questions would drive me up the wall.

Maybe you aggravate her?

cocolepew · 16/06/2013 14:00

Some people have horrible/annoying MILs. It's not MIL bashing. Mines a nasty, hateful, spiteful woman. It just so happens that she is also my MIL.

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