To be disappointed that my sister is pregnant too

[itsmyturnnow]

I'm pregnant with my first child, and announced it a couple of weeks ago. V. v. excited. My sister has just announced that she is pregnant with her third.

She's had a lot of attention - she had the first grandchild - a girl, then she had a lot of problems trying for her second - a boy (so the family now has one of each gender) and I was really there for her and supportive through it all and delighted for her, and I LOVE my niece and nevvy, but now I feel like this is meant to by MY time and she's pregnant again.

I must admit my heart sank when she announced her news, and I don't feel good about that, but it's just the truth. She's a very bubbly, centre of attention kind of person so we were both at mum's last night and all the chat was on her, her symptoms, what names go with her existing dcs and the only thing they really said about me was that I'm lucky as I'm not really suffering many symptoms except tiredness so far whereas she's got everything in the book.

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? :(

[AThingInYourLife]

I think it's a bit rubbish that your sister and your mum aren't making more of a fuss of you.

And I agree that your mum's comments about after the birth are hurtful.

I was over the moon when both my SILs and then my sister announced their pregnancies when I was pregnant with my first.

But my sister and I enjoyed sharing the excitement and our parents would never focus on one to the detriment of the other.

I know in your sister's situation I would be really, really excited my DSis was having her first baby, and I would want to make a big fuss of her myself.

[icklemssunshine1]

You're both pregnant, wants the problem? I lost a baby in February & have 3 friends who are pregnant. I would love to be in their, yours and your sister's shoes!

[icklemssunshine1]

*what's

[DefiniteMaybe]

My dc2 was born when my sister was 12ish weeks pregnant with her first. I have the first boy and first girl grandchild. We weren't all that close but when she had her ds I think she really appreciated my help and having someone to go through it with. We live close together so go to baby/toddler groups together and see each other almost every day. My dc and her dc are more like siblings than cousins it is brilliant.

[digerd]

What AThing said. Has your sis always been a bit of a drama queen wanting all the attention and getting it?

[shineypeacock]

I can see exactly where you are coming from, im due baby no1 (and grandchild no1 on both sides) in 6 weeks, mu sister is due baby no 1 (and grandchild no 1 on inlaws side) in 9 weeks. (19 days between due dates)

I was devestated when she told me, but over the past few months it has got easier, it didnt help when my mum told me not to discuss midwife appts or anything in too much detail as she wouldnt have had them yet, but ive let that go.

As our pregnancies have gone on its been ok, yesteday was a bit of a toughie however, had a big family event and as my sis looks bigger than me ( first time ever as im generally fatter than her!!) most people seem to think she us due first, alsovwhen telling people when she is due she has managed to loos a week from her due date, so was saying 8 weeks rather than 9.

We all live in a small town and close community so its very tricky as lits of people know us and know about the pregnancies, but in a way its nice to have the support!

Just enjoy being pregnant, dont worry about your sis, (mine managed 2 weddings and a divorce before our wedding but thats a whole other thread! )

[cory]

Very understandable that you want more of a fuss made of you, and maybe a quiet word in your mother's ear is the way to go.

But really, your feelings around the pregnancy announcement will pass and your dc will live a long time. If they grow up to get on well, that gift of a cousin could be one of the greatest gifts your dc will ever have.

Dd has a cousin who is just a few months younger than her and they are like brother and sister; it is really wonderful. I used to find it annoying because db and SIL were rather precious about their pfb: everything he did was wonderful and nothing dd did was ever worth noticing.

But doting parents don't get to rule the roost forever: dd and dn are now in their teens and their relationship is far more important than any silliness their parents may have indulged in when they were too small to even remember. It will last long after we are gone.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Golly the person I really feel sorry for is the granny in this situation.

[AgnesAndTheOthers]

I think YABU a bit OP, sorry. This thread really touches a nerve for me, though not in sympathy for you OP i'm afraid. You see I have been that SIL who got pregnant at a time not deemed suitable for someone else, and she already had three children.

I just cannot understand the utter arrogance of some people who think they should dictate others family planning to them.

Blueskiesandbuttercups 'Really! Could you not of waited 6 more months,it had to be now?'

Really? REALLY? You honestly believe because you took a long time to conceive that someone else should put their plans on hold, put their plans for something so fundamental in life on hold, delayed, to suit you? Could it possible be that it was a good time for them too and maybe had nothing to do with you? Fucking unbelievable.

[BeQuicksieorBeDead]

Op unfortunately I think you are BU.

My brother is very extrovert, and has always held court at family gatherings. When I was little this used to upset me, not upset with him, but by them, that they treated us differently. Obviously they did that because I was quiet and shy and probably wouldn't have enjoyed the attention he was getting anyway, and would have batted it away with one word answers...could you be doing that?

now we are grown up, I love the fact that he takes the heat off me. He is an amazing brother, interesting and funny. He met his girlfriend and they quite quickly got pregnant, me and my partner had been together for ages and took a long time and a miscarriage to get pregnant...my brother is so happy for us, as I was for him. He is my brother and I love him, no matter what events in our lives clash. We are not competitive in any way and my mum would never feel pressured to choose between us - your poor mum!

If you are really desperate for attention, go and curry it. Talk loudly about being pregnant and madge up some symptoms. Like I would, you will feel daft and probably relieved when your sister takes the heat off you again.

[AThingInYourLife]

I have no time for people who don't want to share the pregnancy limelight.

IME there is more than enough attention and excitement to go around.

But sadly it seems that in the OP's family that is not the case.

You can still make a gentle fuss of someone shy and who doesn't command centre stage.

I know if my sister and I had due dates so close my mother would feel pulled in both directions trying to support us both.

But we would both be saying she should support the other.

"No, no, two weeks will be plenty, she has two older kids to worry about."

"No way, this is her first. You were with me for 4 weeks on my first. DH and I will manage our own children."

They are not being very kind IMO.

[thornrose]

and the only thing they really said about me was that I'm lucky as I'm not really suffering many symptoms except tiredness so far whereas she's got everything in the book.

OP, just remember that the pity competition (who is more tired, more nauseous, has more to do) is one you don't want to win. Don't get into it because it will drive you mad.

For example, when your sis dramatically moans about how tired she is, smile sweetly and say how energetic you feel and how lucky you are

[WhereYouLeftIt]

That's exactly how I see it AThingInYourLife. Big sister is a bit of a narcissist "a very bubbly, centre of attention kind of person" who absolutely will not stand for not being the centre of attention. If she hadn't got pregnant, she'd have found some other drama way to stay at that centre. That oh-so-dismissive "[you will] only just have one tiny newborn to focus on so [you'll] be fine." (when she had her mother staying for four weeks when she only had one tiny newborn to focus on) just summed it up to me. Big sis is a bit if a bastard.

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

Dh and I have had the second "batch" of grandchildren in dh's family and honestly, it has good things and bad things about it like anything. I do find it a bit frustrating that we are expected to swan through things that dsil had oodles of support with because there are other seemingly bigger issues that the older children are going through. But also, dsil and dbil had the spotlight on them and constant visits from dmil and dfil who were so, so over excited about being gp. They're calmer and more experienced now and my dc have older children to play with.
Dh and I are always going to be the quiet copers because everything his brother does is a big drama. But, apart from having a ridiculously small space to sleep in when we're all together, I think I'd rather be us tbh.
Your dsis is trying to fill some unfillable hole by seeking attention. She'll never be as content as you, as long as you can learn to let go a bit. And if you're going to compare support after the birth, try to compare with people with less. Not because you're wrong to feel upset, but because you need to look after yourself.

[FasterStronger]

OP, can you see your DM without your sister? I think you just need to make the best of the situation.

I have a SIL who cannot bear anyone else to have any good news & has to come up with an 'announcement'. I obviously cannot change her so I just avoid her & DB. life is too short etc.

[stinkingbishop]

Congratulations! As with most of the other posters, agree that your feelings are utterly understandable. But it's always dangerous to bottle things up. So I would suggest a gentle word with Mum and sis. They'll most likely be mortified (if it's genuinely gentle). Good luck!

[pleiadianpony]

No, not at all!! I'd feel EXACTLY the same!

I went for fertility treatment after 10 years with DH and a couple very close to us who knew we were having treatment decided to try at the same time so 'we could all go through pregnancy together'. This was a bit frustrating as it was very much long awaited special time for us both. To make things worse i didn't get pregnant then missed a cycle of treatment because I was running around helping her get ready for her wedding! They then announced to all and sundry at a dinner party that she was pregnant!

Aagghh. It felt really horrible and when I got pregnant it felt a bit less special .. but only briefly....

What I would suggest is just withdraw from your sister a bit until you can find a place for your feelings. Spend time with your mum and family and enjoy your time with your partner. Stay friends with your sister though, cards, emails etc. My hunch is that your sister talking about herself is probably a bit of a bore for your parents and your dignity and calm and mature way of handling it will be something that your family respect. If you don't feel that at the moment, try and cultivate that thing that Bridget Jones call inner poise!! You will feel much better. Also spend time with your mum doing nice things that she will enjoy too. I think Grannys need to be pampered a bit and made to feel special as they can just become baby sitters, listening ears, extra pairs of hands.....your mum will appreciate this ALOT and your pregnancy will get a look in.

[Theyoniwayisnorthwards]

My sister and I had our last babies 3 weeks apart, my second and her third. It was and is LOVELY. We bitched about our ankles, chatted about names, sulked together at family parties as our DH's had a drink. The kids were born around Xmas and we spent it in her house (she was 4 days PP but my mother lives next door and my family stayed in a local hotel). My sister and I spent the day in her bed cuddled up with newborns eating chocolate and trying not to laugh because of caesarean scars. I will always remember it.

Now the babies are 6/7 months and I recently visited and bonded really strongly with my niece, caring for her is easy as I am so used to caring for a baby that age. I love that they will be toddlers together and each have a family playmate.

This is a good thing OP. really.

[Pigsmummy]

It's not just about the pregnancy, you are creating a little person who will have a lovely cousin the same age, try to see a positive in the situation? You have a very experienced baby sitter to hand and someone who can listen to you later in pregnancy when you might need a shoulder.

[DaveMccave]

Wow. V unreasonable. You could try to be delighted for your baby, as they will have a cousin so close in age.

[Raum]

Look on the bright side you are both going to have small children around the same time, your child will have a near age cousin to play with, both are brilliant things not bad!

[Audio158]

Obviously when you become pregnant you feel very special, then someone close to you does the same thing and you don't feel quite so special anymore.

This could be a positive time for you and your sister if you are prepared to be the bigger person (I don't mean literally).

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

shineypeacock you were 'devastated' when your sister announced her pregnancy.. Really?

You see, I was devastated when my sister told me she had breast cancer.

I would have given anything for her to have been telling me she was pregnant.

[FetaCheeny]

So you're pregnant and miserable because your own sister is pregnant and happy too. Right.