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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at myself for not knowing what to say.

42 replies

IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2013 18:27

The woman behind the counter at the local shop ( although I have never seen her before) said to DS " have you got your dad something nice for tommorow then ?" he looked perplexed and said no. " didn't you make something at school?" "Er..."
Ds looked really confused and I just stood there, and then said " oh, is it soon then? I hadn't realised. Thanksbye"
I actually hadn't realised it was tomorrow, but we dont do it anyway. Ds sees his dad about 5 times a year, and to send him a card saying Worlds Greatest Dad would be a bit weird. I mean,if ds suddenly decided to do that I wouldn't say anything, but I am not exactly suggesting it.
I wish I had fixed her with a steely glare and said..what? aibu to feel annoyed that she even asked? Surely she must know that not everyone has a dad?
It's the same discomfort I feel when the school has "dads day" . Grr. Ds never really say much about any of this stuff, so aibu to feel annoyed on his behalf?
Sorry, ramble, but its just got me thinking about it all. Should I make ds send his dad a card?? Aargh.

OP posts:
Sparklymommy · 15/06/2013 18:32

Have you spoken to your ds about it? If he is not bothered then I wouldn't worry. If he is, then maybe ask him what he would like to do. If he is upset by people mentioning it then perhaps you could say to the shop assistant that its a touchy subject.

HenriettaPye · 15/06/2013 18:32

I don't think this woman meant any offence, she was only trying to make conversation!

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2013 18:34

She probably thought he was someone else

Original poster
IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2013 18:35

Nah, I havnt brought if up with ds. He is pretty oblivious I think.
It just annoys me when people take it for granted that everybody has a dad.

OP posts:
HenriettaPye · 15/06/2013 18:38

Your DS has a father he sees 5 times a year. I grew up without a dad AT ALL.my mother and him split when she was pregnant, she christened me her religion so he wanted nothing to do with me. I grew up with all those questions, didn't bother me though. People just see days like this as a conversation starter.

Sparklymommy · 15/06/2013 18:38

Totally understand that! My dh keeps reminding me - "it's Father's Day tomorrow" he doesn't seem to realise how hard that is for me as my own dad passed away a few years ago. Obviously I want to celebrate with him and the dc but it still hurts that my own dad isn't here to be honoured to.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 15/06/2013 18:41

My God, soon people won't be able to speak at all OP. She obviously was trying to be nice and talk to your DS, not offend you!

thebody · 15/06/2013 18:43

Op am sure she was just making conversation.

Sparkly, so sorry chik, maybe tell your dh how you feel.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 15/06/2013 18:44

Oh I totally feel for you; she was a bit presumptious. Don't feel bad. You're everything to him. Brew Flowers

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 15/06/2013 18:45

Sparkly me too. I miss my Dad such a lot. I've got some lovely flowers to take to him. Can you do the same?

seesensepeople · 15/06/2013 18:49

OP, I'm with you! My DH died suddenly 3 years ago - I absolutely dread father's day and the big build up before it.

My kids would be devastated by questions like that from a stranger, they are not equipped to respond...

AnotherLovelyCupOfTea · 15/06/2013 18:50

I don't think it's "just trying to make conversation". I know from the various busy bodies who've said it to me that it's really fishing for information.

SummersHere · 15/06/2013 18:52

I've had this too, at my local corner shop funnily enough, except it isn't funny when your child is fatherless. The man in question also took it upon himself to tell me I needed to find myself a husband Shock.
He was very weird and inappropriate though and I eventually mentioned it to the shop owner as I was uncomfortable with his constant personal questions and thankfully he no longer works there.
I always use the term parents rather than mum or dad as I know quite a few children who have lost mothers as well as those without fathers.

LovelyWench223 · 15/06/2013 18:53

My dad died when I was very young and this used to come up quite often in school/from random strangers/new people. It never phased me as a child, as this was normal for me so my reaction was also to be pretty nonplussed by it. I can understand your reaction OP but I'm sure your son would not be upset by it at this age

Original poster
IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2013 18:54

Weeell LastTango, I don't think its some new fangled pc gorn mad idea that you try not to put people on th spot. s'basic manners. I was just a bit surprised when she kept at it!
I dont think she thought knew him worra.
Ta for the cuppa NeoMaxi!

OP posts:
Sparklymommy · 15/06/2013 18:54

I will take some flowers to my dads grave, yes. But it's not the same. Miss my dad terribly :(

Original poster
IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2013 18:57

god,yes, that would be awful seesense. Sorry for your loss x

OP posts:
RikeBider · 15/06/2013 19:29

I think she was probably just trying to make conversation. Schools are a bit more careful about this these days, but most people will assume children have a dad.

I think you should talk to your DS so he understands that his situation may be a little unusual so people might make this mistake, but nothing is meant by it. It won't be the last time he is asked about his dad.

jammiedonut · 15/06/2013 19:42

I think yabu for being annoyed that you didn't say something. Yes, in this day and age it probably isn't prudent to ask anyone about fathers day when so many children are without their fathers. However I don't think she needed to go home feeling bad about herself for asking im sure what she thought was an innocent question. What satisfaction would you have gained from making a comment back? In situations like this you just have to rise above it and sigh at the naivety of some people.

cortado · 15/06/2013 19:54

Presumably you object to any recognition of children's mothers on the same grounds.

helenthemadex · 15/06/2013 20:00

YABU she was trying to make conversation, I do understand how you feel though, my youngest dd doesnt see her father her two elder sisters do (same father) and in school they have been making things for fathers day. She came out of school the other day and said we have been making something for fathers day I need to tell my teacher I dont have a daddy, she is 4 she was very matter of fact about it, I was Sad and had a little cry about it later

CrapBag · 15/06/2013 20:05

Sorry but YABU. How is she to know that your DS doesn't have much of a relationship with his dad? Are all children not to have their dads mentioned in case theirs isn't around much?

For mothers day, DS's school asked them to take in £1 so they could pick a card and present. I thought this was such a lovely idea. For fathers day they could buy cards for 50p but no mention of a present. Its a shame that mothers day and fathers day was not treated the same.

I grew up without my mum but I do know that people assume you have one.

AnotherLovelyCupOfTea · 15/06/2013 20:14

the making conversation excuse is bullshit. she's never seen your son come into the local shop in how many years with a father has she??

People KNOW that 1 in 3 marriages break down, that co-habiting couples who have children are even more likely than married couples to split up. It happens. ALL the time, and yet people think no they don't that 'where is your daddy?' is an acceptable conversational gambit to a young child whom has never, in that place, been seen with a father. I'm sorry but that is HORSE SHIT

iT IS SHEER NOSINESS

AnotherLovelyCupOfTea · 15/06/2013 20:14

*WHO

Original poster
IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2013 20:15

I dont know about " in this day and age" . I knew loads of kids who didn't have dads 25 years ago.

OP posts:
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