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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think BIL''s behaviour ruined our holiday

86 replies

OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 16:59

we went away the other week with DH's parents , his DB and his family.and our DC's
I have 2 kids under 5.
They have one child under 2,
Every morning BIL wanted to be up and out for 9am, and often it was to places where there was just shops, arcades and nothing else.
We explained to him that 9am-god knows when for a week straight is too much for a three year old and how about going places that were more 'doing something' but to no avail,
Would never wait for us and often leave us behind,
One incident DC1 was being ill behaved but took it upon himself to smack him, we werent there. I have no issue with discipline but I dislike smacking and when DH, told BIL he was out of line and not to do it again he had a very arrogant attitude basically said 'If he's naughty I will tap him the end'.
I awas unsure if I had been told the whole story, MIL who was there defending him and I told her I didn't believe I'd been told everything, turns out BIL smacked DC, DC smacked back and then BIL smacked him again,
It was dripfed though.
MIL defended his actions.
Another incident my DC enjoyed being in his cousins car, he was sick one day just the once. Instead of saying calmly 'would you mind him riding with you' he pointed and went 'He's not coming back in here, car stinks' DH asked would his DD have been kicked out of the car if she had been sick, he avoided the question.
DC was very upset, felt like his family didn't like him and was being punished for being sick.My and DH were livid, BIL does what ever he likes and nobody ever challenges him, ever.
I noticed a lot of double standards too , speeding off infront as their dc got upset in a still buggy and had to keep moving, but if our DC got upset/bored in endless arcades they had to learn Hmm.
Pfft, AIBU?

OP posts:
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 15/06/2013 21:12

I don't blame you Triumph you must have been seething, why woul anyone think that'd be ok??

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 21:16

Oh, trust me never again,
I was smacked as a child and I do tap/physical discipline in extreme situations, with warnings how its supposed to be done.
itsmyturn- I always feel like that would sound hysterical ,
I often feel undermined, I was a teen mum I don't think it helps my confidence.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 15/06/2013 21:19

If a holiday is suggested again... "Sorry, no, DS was bored silly in the arcades and shops all the time and I don't want him learning how to fight from BiL"

Mission accomplished (and the bonus is that you won't have to holiday with your PiL either!)

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 21:24

Some of the comments on here have made me realise I should be more angry, I was worried about being told I was OTT and needed to get a grip how will children learn,

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/06/2013 21:29

Calling police very OTT imho. Or just read The Smack if you want to rehash all that.

Feel so bad for your DH reading this, OP. :( Just awful way to be treated. Has his BIL always been a bully?

Bobyan · 15/06/2013 21:30

There us no right way to tap/hit/smack/spank a child.
If you punish a child with violence, you are sending a completely mixed message about what is acceptable behaviour.
There are clearly bigger issues here, but mainly you and your dp need to man up and protect your children, instead of making excuses.

HollyBerryBush · 15/06/2013 21:33

I'm not understanding the whole thing TBH.

Have been on holiday with people - you have your own car, obviously different suite of accommodation - you meet for breakfast, you might meet for dinner, you quite likely meet up of an evening - you do not under any circumstances live in each others pockets 24/7 - which is the problem here. Too much time together.

As for the smacking - definition of a smack will wildly differ depending on peoples perceptions - although I thought it was accepted you don't go round physically chastising someone elses child.

You don't go away with them again unless you are playing by your ground rules.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/06/2013 08:02

I agree, I think I was so in shock and plus my own upbringing was similar so some of these things are quite ingrained even though I've decided to be different.
Had he left a mark got wind it was a hard smack I wold have gone ape, I was made to feel like we were overreacting.
I've lost a lot of respect for MIL too its sad, b
but no we wont, go with them,ever again,
I dunno I went away with the family, because I wanted to spend time ..with the family and also like I said DS asked for them alot, you know that age aunts,uncles,grandparents,cousins are all more exciting than parents.

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/06/2013 08:23

The smacking is a big deal. It sounds as though he smacked repeatedly, which is worrying - personally I don't agree with smacking at all , but for a grown man to repeatedly smack a toddler who'd already smacked him suggests that he lost his temper, and there is the potential for real harm . I wouldn't be allowing BIL to have contact with my child in future.

The days out I don't get - why not just tell him you're doing the own thing for the day ?

Inertia · 16/06/2013 08:25

Also , it's clear that your policy of smacking your child yourself isn't working - all he's learning is that it's acceptable to hit other people.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/06/2013 08:35

Well tbh he doesn't hit me back, but I have literally tapped him a handful of times in my life, I am in no way a habitual smacker.

Yeah I don't condone my toddler hitting him but tbh what does he expect?

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/06/2013 08:38

The smacking is a big deal. It sounds as though he smacked repeatedly, which is worrying - personally I don't agree with smacking at all , but for a grown man to repeatedly smack a toddler who'd already smacked him suggests that he lost his temper, and there is the potential for real harm . I wouldn't be allowing BIL to have contact with my child in future.

I agree, sorry to dripfeed but when we came arrived to get him he was on MIL knee land crying and she said she had to put him on her knee, Why didn't they do that in the first place?
Funny how I mange with 2 kids on my own all day but between 4 adults it wasn't.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 16/06/2013 08:48

We were visiting my BIL once, he smacked his DS in front of us, in front of DD and poor DD's face, you could see she was confused and scared - That was last year, we haven't visited them since. I will not put my DD in that situation. Go on holiday with them? I think not!

welshfirsttimemummy · 16/06/2013 08:51

If ANY of my family or DH's family smacked my DC I would be absolutely fuming. No-one has the right to smack your child! If it was my brother I would have smacked him! Shock

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/06/2013 08:59

DH nearly did he was livid, I was but I knew speaking to bil was fuitile I did confront MIL. I think I will declining any future hols plans.
They just think he's done nothing wrong, which is frustrating.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/06/2013 09:08

Whose idea was this holiday ? Do you mix often as a family, how well do you know each others' dc and they the adults? Unfortunately the key thing which such arrangements is to agree some basic ground rules and ideas for timetable, catering etc so managing expectations, especially where younger children are concerned. BIL clearly overstepped your marks but if these weren't clear from the outset or past experience it is inevitably going to be very awkward after the event. If his dc is younger, or he spends little time even with him, he may not have developed other techniques and tolerance of older ones or his wife may be sued to diffusing situations. There is bound to be friction between you all from now on so perhaps best avoid them for a while.

HoleyGhost · 16/06/2013 09:15

Sounds like you stalked your BIL, insisting on going with his family on every outing, following when they left before you and then moaning about the places they went. Maybe they kept going back to arcades in the hope that you would finally do your own thing.

He should not have smacked your DC. However, we don't know the extent of what your ds had done to his dd and it is unlikely your MIL would have taken his side had it been a real smack.

LEMisdisappointed · 16/06/2013 09:20

Holeyghost are you serious? It doesn't matter WHAT her DS did, he should not have smacked him. To be honest, the rest of the gripes pale into insignificance after that. Why would you excuse someone who has abused a child in this way?

thegreylady · 16/06/2013 09:28

The word 'tap' is a synonym for smack/slap in some parts of England-especially the Nottingham area. It means to hit with the hand as opposed to with an implement. I have been reading Iona and Peter Opie's book from the 60s-which followed a cohort from that area from their child's first to 11th birthdays. The volume I have is "Four Years Old in an Urban Community".
OP YANBU at all.

HoleyGhost · 16/06/2013 09:29

I do not condone smacking but to call this one incident abuse trivialises abuse.

QuintessentialOldDear · 16/06/2013 09:30

Sounds like BIL did not really want to be on holiday with your lot!
Escaping out at 9 am and leaving you behind if you were not ready!

Why could you not make up your own itineraries and decide what YOU wanted to do, rather than tag along with bil?

ChaosCatt · 16/06/2013 09:32

Hello Octopus, the BiL sounds like a bit of a bully who everyone us pandering to to keep quiet. I cant believe he had the cheek to smack your child!!! Fair enough give them a good telling off, but that's physical abuse. What a dick. My sisters Ex was the same and I ended up getting plastered on hols and telling him. lol. Not a great start to the hols. Repeat after me : Next year - holidays - just us!
xxx

LEMisdisappointed · 16/06/2013 09:33

Does it? really? oh well, to have a non-member of your immediate family smack you and frighten you because you don't know them like you do your parents who may "tap" you (not that this is right either but at least the lad would have known that was all that was going to happen) , you don't know this person well enough to know that he will stop short of really hurting you? In fact, you are quite upset and have to be comforted. Nothing trivial about that if you ask me

Sianilaa · 16/06/2013 09:40

I would have gone nuts over BIL smacking your DS. It is unacceptable IMO.

However, did he ruin your holiday? No, I think YABU there actually. You and DH are adults and capable of saying, "we don't fancy that thanks so we'll see you later" and then you all go off and do your own thing. It was your holiday too, you should have pleased yourselves.

ChaosCatt · 16/06/2013 09:42

We went on hols with in laws. MiL was like tht. Organised everything, dictated the schedule. And we all put up with it. Cos she's a bully. I
felt like I had to as she had paid.