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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think BIL''s behaviour ruined our holiday

86 replies

OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 16:59

we went away the other week with DH's parents , his DB and his family.and our DC's
I have 2 kids under 5.
They have one child under 2,
Every morning BIL wanted to be up and out for 9am, and often it was to places where there was just shops, arcades and nothing else.
We explained to him that 9am-god knows when for a week straight is too much for a three year old and how about going places that were more 'doing something' but to no avail,
Would never wait for us and often leave us behind,
One incident DC1 was being ill behaved but took it upon himself to smack him, we werent there. I have no issue with discipline but I dislike smacking and when DH, told BIL he was out of line and not to do it again he had a very arrogant attitude basically said 'If he's naughty I will tap him the end'.
I awas unsure if I had been told the whole story, MIL who was there defending him and I told her I didn't believe I'd been told everything, turns out BIL smacked DC, DC smacked back and then BIL smacked him again,
It was dripfed though.
MIL defended his actions.
Another incident my DC enjoyed being in his cousins car, he was sick one day just the once. Instead of saying calmly 'would you mind him riding with you' he pointed and went 'He's not coming back in here, car stinks' DH asked would his DD have been kicked out of the car if she had been sick, he avoided the question.
DC was very upset, felt like his family didn't like him and was being punished for being sick.My and DH were livid, BIL does what ever he likes and nobody ever challenges him, ever.
I noticed a lot of double standards too , speeding off infront as their dc got upset in a still buggy and had to keep moving, but if our DC got upset/bored in endless arcades they had to learn Hmm.
Pfft, AIBU?

OP posts:
cardibach · 15/06/2013 18:34

I agree with posters who are asking why you continued to go out all day with them. Why didn't you say, 'OK, that's not for us, have a lovely day and we'll see you later'?

Bobyan · 15/06/2013 18:36

You and your DH both sound spineless. Smack my kids and I'd be involving the police.

aFishCalledWanda · 15/06/2013 18:40

Bobyan that's a helpful comment. Hmm

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 15/06/2013 18:42

Well it's not an UNhelpful comment in that some people don't realise that they can challenge "authority"...perhaps the OP isn't very confident. Hearing people say that they would call the police is helpful...I certainly would if someone assaulted MY child Wanda

Bobyan · 15/06/2013 18:45

OK afish, shall I tell the OP that its OK when people assault her children?
I wouldn't hit an adult and expect no repercussions, so why the hell is it not classed as an assault if it is a child?

thebody · 15/06/2013 18:47

With bobyan on this one. He's a nasty bully and needs challenging and putting in his place.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 15/06/2013 18:48

Unfortunately smacking is not illegal

Bobyan · 15/06/2013 18:48

It is if its not your child (ironic).

K8Middleton · 15/06/2013 18:50

I would not be seeing bil again and it would be all I could do not to smack the bil but I would manage it being a civilised human being. How dare he lay a hand on your child?!

I would inform the lot of them that if another finger was laid on my dc I would be calling the police and pressing charges.

Never go on holiday with them again.

Alanna1 · 15/06/2013 18:51

When I go away with other people with kids, I make clear what we're doing, and when/where we hope to eat. The others we're with - whether friends or family - can join in with us if they want, or do their own thing.

Incidentally though we're all generally early starters - the kids in my family (my sister's and mine) are 8, 4, 2, 1 and a few months - and we're easily all up and at somewhere for 9am! Today I was at the park at 8.20... So your BIL might just be earlier risers with their kids. I love it when they lie-in, but its not very often -a lie-in in our house is anything approaching 8am!

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 15/06/2013 18:51

Wow, that I did not know!

K8Middleton · 15/06/2013 18:52

Of course it is illegal. You can't just go around assaulting people! The only exception to that is if you are the child's parent and then you must not leave a mark... in addition to being a morally abhorrent human being IMO.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 15/06/2013 18:58

What a screwed up law, you can't go around assaulting people, except your own children

Chandon · 15/06/2013 19:01

Why did you all have to do everything together? If someone wants to go to arcades all day, let them get on with it and meanwhile go ff and do sonething YOU want to do, surely? Then meet again fr lunch or dinner.

Why can some people only move aroud in groups? It must be so mserable.

Weird set up, I MO!

Fairylea · 15/06/2013 19:01

1Very - exactly. Daft isn't it.

K8Middleton · 15/06/2013 19:02

Quite caterpillar. I'm hopeful that one day it will be scrapped for the dreadful anachronism it is and we will boggle it was ever law like we do with caning in schools.

Hissy · 15/06/2013 19:04

I would BATTER anyone who smacked my child.

I would NOT see these people again. MIL included. Nor would my child be exposed to them.

SauceForTheGander · 15/06/2013 19:08

We went in holiday with family very close to DH. My DCs were treated like second class citizens. Everything revolved around their DCs - what they ate, when bedtime was, when meal times were, toys, activities etc. the "uncle" humiliated my DS by pointing out mistakes he made pronouncing words. My DS was 6. It's caused issues for my DH with them but I will never fucking well go anywhere with them again. Well I could I suppose, but I won't keep quiet for the sake of my DH next time.

sweetestcup · 15/06/2013 19:14

Ok the smacking is completely out of order, but just because you go on holiday with family doesn't mean you are joined at the hip....so why on earth did you feel you had to be up and out for 9am just because BIL did, don't get it.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 20:52

My DS really likes being with his cousins/gparents etc,
Sometimes we did go off and do our own thing but he asked fror them a lot and staying away felt like a punishment to him,
After the car incident we stayed away from them like 24 hours and when DS started asking for them I felt like I should be civil for him,
I am spineless I agree, there family all share a similar mentality apart from DH , but then again its still there sometimes.But not to that level.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/06/2013 20:55

Apparently he was tapped on the wrist, however my toddler just walloped him back which IMO backs up how smacking can encourage aggression, and smacking for being rough? confusing message no?
I have tapped before I am no angel but its always a last resort with warnings and he is my child, it was the 'I'll do what I like to your son' which made my blood boil.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 15/06/2013 20:58

See, if my BIL so much as laid a finger on my DD, two things would happen - 1. I would have called the police and 2. My DP would have probably lamped him one (BIL that is). I don't smack my DD and if anyone else did it, i don't think i could be held responsible for my actions. I don't care who it was!

Triumphoveradversity · 15/06/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsmyturnnow · 15/06/2013 21:01

I really don't like the word 'tapped' - it's what people say because they're trying to justify what it really is - 'HIT'.

It's assault, you know, and I think you need to be clear that you WILL NOT have anyone hitting your children, for any reason, at any time.

ProphetOfDoom · 15/06/2013 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.