To say something to this babies mum (a friend)

[HopAndStop]

A friend I knew reasonably well before she had DS 2 months ago, and I now see 2-3 times a week seems to be struggling
Her partner has a child from a previous relationship and she is a lot younger than him so I think she feels 'he knows best' and has said a lot of things like 'DP told me we had to put him in his own room from day 1, he knows already from DD' and similar.

We met up yesterday and she ended up crying saying he just won't stop crying, and he won't sleep. I asked what he's usually like going to sleep, and she said she puts him in his room, closes the door so she can't hear him then goes to see DP as he needs to relax after work. Apparently he usually cries for 20 mins-an hour but last night was still crying after 2 hours and she said 'I just get really annoyed at him if I have to hear him crying for ages' (but she seemed upset not angry with him)

I said that I ended up having to co sleep with DD as she wouldn't settle herself so not to worry that he's being unusually clingy, and that he might just need a bit of reassurance from her popping back into the room when he's still crying every few minutes while he's this young so he knows that she's still around, but she said 'DP said they taught DD from day 1 that she couldn't get her own way by crying, so I don't want him to learn bad habits'

Is there anything I can say to help, or should I just listen and let her work out what to do for herself?

There is a fantastic book called the science of parenting (search in amazon - i can't do links on my tablet, I've forgotten how) by Margot Sunderland. This explains why babies and children behave they do and the effect on their brain chemistry. Poor woman - having her instincts totally undermined like that. My old GP always used to say that he believed a mothers instincts as 9/10 times they were accurate - she may not know what is wrong with her child but in 9/10 cases if they thought something was wrong there was.

Thanks for confirming that about the night feeds Hop, I said up thread we shouldn't speculate and then I did myself .

Good luck speaking to her tomorrow.

Pilgit - that Margot Sunderland book is amazing, it cuts out all the parenting theories and opinions and is based on hard evidence and research. She is also an amazing speaker if you ever get the chance to see her. Fully recommended.

here

Tbh, I would contact SS. It is neglect, especially so young and going on for hours, if he suddenly took ill how would they know what was wrong if they were just ignoring his crying until it stopped and never going in? I have actually contacted a HV because of pretty much the same problem before, with a neighbour. I tried going to her door first though and she ignored it.

When she gets up for night feeds, does she leave him to cry after the feed as well? :(

Apart from anything else, her partner is controlling and in a way that is detrimental to the baby.

Has she not done any reading/research on her own about babies?? Does she listen to her H about everything?? He sounds like a selfish entitled shit. And she sounds weak, tbh. Where are her instincts?? You wouldn't ignore an older child crying like this, so why on earth ignore a young baby? Agree with other advice up thread. :(

Does her DP work? Assume so. So he's out of the house approx 8 hrs a day? And she thinks he knows best the baby she is home with?

Sheesh. Her issues are with that idiot. Not baby. Looks like DP not interested.

How horrible. I wish I hadn't read this thread

Sadly it's not uncommon. One of DH's best friends who have a little girl told me that from when the baby was 10 days old they just shut the door on her and left her to cry it out. The mum said she felt like going up to the baby but DH's friend held her and stopped her from doing so, being really "supportive". I think they had "good" intentions, it wasn't an abusive relationship and they had the same ideas on child rearing, just misguided and old fashioned ideas. On another occassion when we were talking about our DCs and going on holiday and how sometimes in an unfamiliar room or bed it is more difficult to get a DC to sleep, they said they just put their girl in a cot and shut the door and leave her to sort herself out.

I hope you manage to get through to this mum OP, poor poor baby.

Did you speak to your friend today, OP?

I keep coming back to check this thread - hope there is good news.

It's amazing how many people think it's ok to try to override a mother's natural instincts about their child. If I had a penny for every time I heard "you're making a rod for your own back" because I respond to my baby's every cry, I'd be able to stay on maternity leave indefinitely. Frankly I don't care, as I refuse to engage in discussion about it and trust my own instincts (easy for me to say now as DD is 12 weeks old), but it must be awful to have someone constantly undermining you - I know I felt like I didn't know anything when I brought her home, and really needed the support of DH in ignoring those people who were giving well-meaning but unwanted advice about letting her cry it out.

FWIW I think speaking to her HV team is a good idea (but ask them not to mention that you have said anything, so that she doesn't feel as though she can't talk to you any more), and also trying to engineer a face to face conversation with her about it, being as gentle as possible (perhaps pretend that you or another friend have had a similar problem?). I'm sure you've already done this - hope today went well.

How very very sad :( Makes me want to go upstairs and give my DD a big hug as the thought of her being that upset is horrific.

For people who don't seek out information/have extended family support, there really is very little information routinely given out to pregnant ladies and how to care for newborns.

Where are her family? Mine are 3 hrs drive away but there is the phone and we have visitors. Does she not tell her mum/sister/anyone else?

The poor mum sounds very vulnerable and in need of professional support not lambasting. She could have depression and low confidence. Imam glad that the professionals supporting me were lovely, unlike some on here

Candyoga I sincerely hope your not a professional, your posts are horrid

Roonymara

Really?! I'm horrid? I think that mum is the horrid one for leaving her baby to cry - you need to look at yourself if you think I'm the horrid one piglet mania. I have never left my babies to cry. What a strange way to think.

Yes I do, tat poor mum needs support not vitriol, se ounds completely depressed and brow beaten. She needs help, I hope she oes not read this thread as some of te comments on her are vile and nasty. It's no too late, she can turn this around with the right support, definitely tell the health visitor

candyandyoga
"Really?! I'm horrid? I think that mum is the horrid one for leaving her baby to cry - you need to look at yourself if you think I'm the horrid one piglet mania. I have never left my babies to cry. What a strange way to think."

This is such a playground post! Try googling the word empathy and pray you never need support.

I'll reserve my sympathy for the baby

End of

End of? Are you 12? Yes, that explains it.

As you were.

Exactly, forbid candy that anything happens to you, and you require the empathy of others. I guess really you must be te ultimate in perfect parenting!

My sympathy is with both mum and baby,

You sound like a good friend OP and it is great she has your support (which is what she needs, not least to stand up to her ignorant DP).