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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to this babies mum (a friend)

97 replies

HopAndStop · 15/06/2013 14:08

A friend I knew reasonably well before she had DS 2 months ago, and I now see 2-3 times a week seems to be struggling
Her partner has a child from a previous relationship and she is a lot younger than him so I think she feels 'he knows best' and has said a lot of things like 'DP told me we had to put him in his own room from day 1, he knows already from DD' and similar.

We met up yesterday and she ended up crying saying he just won't stop crying, and he won't sleep. I asked what he's usually like going to sleep, and she said she puts him in his room, closes the door so she can't hear him then goes to see DP as he needs to relax after work. Apparently he usually cries for 20 mins-an hour but last night was still crying after 2 hours and she said 'I just get really annoyed at him if I have to hear him crying for ages' (but she seemed upset not angry with him)

I said that I ended up having to co sleep with DD as she wouldn't settle herself so not to worry that he's being unusually clingy, and that he might just need a bit of reassurance from her popping back into the room when he's still crying every few minutes while he's this young so he knows that she's still around, but she said 'DP said they taught DD from day 1 that she couldn't get her own way by crying, so I don't want him to learn bad habits'

Is there anything I can say to help, or should I just listen and let her work out what to do for herself?

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 15/06/2013 22:55

show her the thread,

please don't leave your baby to cry,it is very very wrong, trust your instincts, go and cuddle him he needs comfort,

if you are the dad reading this, please get help, please go and ask the health visitor or GP to find you a course to go on, you both need one.

FeegleFion · 15/06/2013 23:00

And giving vulnerable women it with 'both barrels' is the right thing to do?

She sounds browbeaten and needs support to see that this is not what caring for a new born is all about.

OP you have a duty to this child to ensure its needs are being met. Monday is too late.

Please see your friend tomorrow, sit her down and gently but firmly show her the error of her ways.

ouryve · 15/06/2013 23:02

She definitely need to spend some time talking to other mothers and supporting professionals and not this controlling arsehole :(

candyandyoga · 15/06/2013 23:06

I'm more concerned about the baby than her tbh. I just pray she stops doing this stupid thing.

Please op show her the thread. The baby's health and emotional well being are most important not her 'feelings' - she is a mother now, she needs to listen to this.

HoratiaNelson · 15/06/2013 23:27

I've been surprised by some of the responses OP to be honest. For me this is not a grey area, it's black and white and very serious - a baby that age, should not be on their own room and should not be being left to cry. I think you're duty bound to tell her this - fuck the pussy footing around, there is a tiny baby who is being permanently damaged by the neglect he is currently being subjected to.

You tell the friend - advice changes over time, eg the Sids advice only came in mid-80s, but the advice was changed for good reason - hundreds of babies per year saved because of it. She needs to follow current advice, not listen to DP. and hand her some literature on women's aid

FeegleFion · 15/06/2013 23:34

candy - you're all heart!

I'm concerned about her mental and emotional well being, OP, and this means her baby is suffering.

The baby is, of course, paramount but as the saying goes:

Happy mummy, happy baby.

Please ignore everyone who is slating your friend. Some mothers struggle to bond with their baby's and others struggle to find their feet as mothers.

Your friend is obviously struggling and really needs help to ensure her baby's every need is met.

It must be nice to be a perfect mother but quite honestly, the majority of us really aren't.

pigsDOfly · 16/06/2013 00:13

This reminds me of an occasion when my son was about 4 months old in the mid 80's. I was a very nervous unconfident mother and would pick him up as soon as he cried.

We were going to the house of some friends of my now then H who were all experienced parents (H was quite a bit older than me).

Because DS was fully BF I didn't want to leave him with anyone else so we took him with us in his carry cot.

When we got to friend's house we put him upstairs and after a couple of hours he woke up and started crying. I of course lept up to go to him and almost as one person everyone in the room told me that I shouldn't jump up as soon as he cried. That I was spoiling him by going to him immediately etc. etc.

So there we sat, while my baby cried, with me getting more and more upset as well. Eventually, I stood my ground and said I was going to feed him, which I did. By this time, which probably wasn't that long (probably about 20 minutes) he was pretty worked up. He fed for a while and then promptly threw up warm milk all over me.

TBH I was so angry at them for thinking they knew best and angry with myself for listening to them, that it was a relief to just leave and go home and comfort my distressed baby.

I find it so upsetting that people still think that this is an acceptable way to treat a small child.

Damash12 · 16/06/2013 00:35

Oh my god, the poor baby. What a load of bollocks this man his saying. The baby is crying for a reason FFS. I come up with my 21 week old son, give him a bath, feed and lay him down. I either tidy up the bedrooms or lie on the bed next to him and read a bit of mumsnet! My baby is usually fast asleep within 15mins.
The bloody cry it out method is just wrong and even the book says it's not to be used for babies less than 3 months.
I think you should tell her to stand up to her Pratt of a husband or show her thus thread.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/06/2013 01:42

This is terrible. The poor baby. Please try and help him. I know you don't want to alienate your friend but please try anything to help. Could she have pnd? Had she not bonded or does her partner have her terrorised?

RhondaJean · 16/06/2013 01:53

Jesus. I'm not into attachment parenting and I'm all for routine and controlled crying but this is ridiculous. Please say something's I agree she needs her own confidence as a parent boosted.

Mixxy · 16/06/2013 02:10

Why is her 2 month old not in their room!?!

If she lacks confidence as a mother, hearing her baby cry for hours on end will not boost her confidence. You have to have the conversation with her. As soon as she starts to take control of parenting and her baby responds positively, maybe she'll be less inclined to rely so much on the parenting guru advise of DP.

RoooneyMara · 16/06/2013 08:55

I would go so far as to say, ring the NSPCC. It's neglect. Probably they could have the child taken from them or be prosecuted.

McNewPants2013 · 16/06/2013 08:59

even if it is spoiling them ( how comforting a child could be classed as spoiling i don't know), i can think of a better and free way to spoil a child.

LostAndNeverFound · 16/06/2013 09:31

I'm with feegle on this, I think she needs help and guidance. The idea about speaking to her hv is a good one, if she hears it from a professional she might take more notice.

I can't get this awful image of a poor helpless baby screaming itself to sleep every night. Utterly horrendous.

Does she check on him at all during that time? Or after he finally falls asleep does she check on him then? What if he's tangled in his blankets or caught up against the bars on his cot? Doesn't bare thinking about.

FeegleFion · 16/06/2013 09:56

Rooney - As a service professional who does actually work in partnership with SS, I can tell you this won't be a case where a baby will be taken from his parents and nobody will be prosecuted for neglect.

FeegleFion · 16/06/2013 10:01

Lost The thought of a tiny baby is horrendous I really hope he's not being left at night.

Lets just bare in mind that this (being left through the night) is, until or if the OP can confirm it to be true, speculation.

StillSeekingSpike · 16/06/2013 10:05

I am feeling for the baby- but this situations is screaming 'Domestic Abuse' to me - having to go to her partner when he comes in, having to leave her baby crying for 2 hours, him knowing all about how to raise a child and stop its needs being met? This is not what a happy free mother does.

FridaKarlov · 16/06/2013 10:07

It sounds like her other half is either using incredibly old fashioned advice or is just plain selfish and doesn't care about the baby's emotional needs. She sounds like she isn't very confident, but I'd tell her flatly to ignore her stupid husband and comfort the baby when he cries- point her to information on SIDS prevention and the fact that babies his age have no sense of permanence (ie if he can't see her she no longer exists). The poor wee thing crying because as far as he's concerned, he's been abandoned!

One of the things I love about being a mother is the cuddles and closeness I have with my baby. I can't imagine how gut wrenching it would be do shut her in a room and listen to her scream for hours on end.

SirBoobAlot · 16/06/2013 10:09

Fucking hell. Please tell her how dangerous this is. That poor poor baby.

Isandri · 16/06/2013 10:13

The poor baby and poor mother. Reading this makes me appreciate my husband more. When our son was a few days old my husband suggested co sleeping to make it easier for me breastfeeding. My husband is older than me with an older teenager and has done it all before but even he accepts that medical advice changes.

I really hope your friend gets the help she needs to more more assertive and hope stops leaving the baby to cry it out.

moremintsliceplease · 16/06/2013 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoooneyMara · 16/06/2013 11:14

Feegle - many thanks for clarifying that.

mrscog · 16/06/2013 11:16

What a sad thread, OP I think you've had some good advice and I hope it goes ok with your friend tomorrow.

Slightly off tangent, but why is it, now that it's known that young babies shouldn't be left to cry for long periods, that there isn't more awareness raised through health professionals etc?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 16/06/2013 11:36

Any update OP?

Original poster

HopAndStop · 16/06/2013 11:36

She does feed him during the night, I am not sure how often but she has said about night feeds.
We have the same health visitor team, so I will speak to my health visitor for her to pass onto her one if nothing seems to get through to her tomorrow.

She does hold and give attention to him during the day whenever I see her, so I don't think it is a case of complete neglect like some people are concerned about on here.

I will try to talk to her about standing up to P as well as the crying it out.

Thank you for everyone's replies. I wasn't sure before if it was my place to say anything as I know a lot of people do use crying methods, and she has never commented on DD being glued to me 24/7 whenever she winges, which I'm sure she must not agree with herself, but this thread has definitely shown it's not just my opinion that it's not good for him.

OP posts:

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