To refuse to tell my friends to stay in a hotel in order to please my MIL?

[thefuturesnotourstosee]

My friends are coming from Singapore where they've been living for 2 years and will be going round staying with lots of friends and catching up. We agreed 2 months ago what dates they were coming to us and they've planned themselves a tight schedule.

2 weeks ago MIL phoned and asked if she could come to stay for a few days which I said was fine. We discussed dates and initially she wanted to come while friends where here which I said was not convenient as we only have one spare room so we agreed she could come the night after they left. Everything sorted or so I thought.

This morning she phoned to tell me she has now booked her train ticket, made arrangements to invite her friends to dinner at our house (which I'll be cooking!!!) and is coming on the same night as my friends.

When I pointed this out to her she said she must have got confused and they'd need to stay in a hotel as she's booked her ticket now. When I told her that wasn't possible and she'd need to change her plans back to what we'd originally agreed. Now she's phoned DP and told him I've insulted her and she wants him to sort everything out as she "is coming regardless of anything thefuture may say as she's family so more important"

AIBU to refuse to change my plans and tell MIL she can stay in a hotel?

What did your DP say to her? I hope he told her where to get off!

YANBU. It seems likely she's done this on purpose too. What a wanker.

Bloody hell, that's rude!

YANBU

I also reckon she's done it on purpose. Can't she stay at her friends?

I'd be mightily hacked off.

No, MIL is on a power trip and is deliberately throwing her weight around.

Be polite but firm. If she wins this one, she'll be doing it all the time. It's outrageously rude to allocate you as cook for her friends without asking. If she can't see that, there's no hope. You'll just have to be firm with her as if she is a large child.

"I'm sorry we can't have you to stay, it clashes with my friends who are coming all the way from Singapore. I did tell you the dates. Sorry if you found it confusing. Here's a good B and B, and I can recommend a few restaurants for you and friends since I don't cook for people I don't know"

DP told her to change her train tickets and let her friends know to come on a different night. I don't really mind about her friends. They are a lovely couple who have known dp since he was a baby and I had discussed the possibility of them coming for dinner with her.

I just don't understand what she's trying to achieve :(

How bloody dare she!

Rude and flaming cheeky, I hope you and your Husband are going to stand up to her and tell her to bog off!

I think it quite likely that she did this knowingly as well. I mean of course it's possible that she did get confused (I am a flakey sievehead myself at times) - but what gives her away, is her determination to see it through anyway.
If I made that mistake I would be apologetic and bloody cursing myself, and making alternative plans.
I would not arrogantly insist on getting my own way.

OP's mil thought OP would just crumble under the pressure, and she would get the dates she wanted regardless. I imagine she's rather put out at being stood up to.
Good.

What Pictish just said.

Oh I see, I understand about cooking for the friends.

I can tell you what she's trying to achieve. She is trying to prove that she has more status than you and can override your wishes because Mother Trumps Partner where your DP is concerned (or so she wants to think).

My MIL tried this very early on in our marriage and my lovely DH put her right. She hasn't done it again.

It was a power struggle. I won.

Well done OP and OP's DH. Stick to your guns, she's being unreasonable and childish, stamping her feet and making demands like that. Very disrespectful too, ignoring your response and going to your DH to tell tales and get him to sort you out.

I don't see what she's trying to achieve either; surely she's just ruined the whole mood for the visit. What is she like usually? Ever tried to pull stuff like this before?

Just make sure that you and your dp remain calm and pleasant OP. When you know that you have behaved impeccably and been reasonable throughout, then you can relax in the knowledge that you have done no wrong, and may politely leave the ball in mil's court.

Stick to your point. No can do, I'm afraid.

If she wants to kick off then let her, knowing fine well she's doing it of her own volition.
What a silly woman.

Wow. What a cheek your MIL has.

Glad it's all sorted now though OP.

She's trying to tell you that this is her son's house (not yours) and she is more important to her son than you.

Epic fail -

I can tell you what she's trying to achieve. She is trying to prove that she has more status than you and can override your wishes because Mother Trumps Partner where your DP is concerned (or so she wants to think).

I think it's possible there's an element of this going on, yes.

The cheeky bloody mare! Glad you and your DP told her where to go.

OP - how did mil react to your dp telling her to change her train tickets? Did she accept that?

We often have people to stay, they will ring up and ask if the dates are ok, I check my calendar and say yes or no. I never give an explanation for saying no, no is enough.

Your MiL is taking the piss and trying to dominate you, if she phones you again about staying on those dates ask her how her mental health is and if she can tell you who is the current Prime Minister. That'll teach her

She told DP she'd think about it but that she hoped she was welcome whenever she wanted to stay in his home.

Yes she's always welcome but she has to accept sometimes its not convenient.

Sigh.

She may as well cock her leg and spray up the side of your sofa, tbh.
She needs telling.

Well absolutely.

Always being welcome, is not quite the same as having free reign though.
Always being welcome, is not the same as expecting to have top priority at all times.
Always being welcome, does not extend to ejecting pre booked visitors to a fucking hotel because it suits mumsie.

Manipulative cahhh

She sounds like my MIL, she decides when she wants to do something and if she is told that it isn't convenient on the exact date and time that she wants to do it, then she gets all huffy and sulky.

I wish these people would get a fucking grip!!

So she'll think about it? Well it will be a bit awkward for her if she decides not to change her ticket, turns up to be promptly told that there is no room and she had been told twice beforehand that this date was not convenient.

Why to people think that because they are family then we should all drop everything in an instant because they want something. Particularly when it doesn't work the other way around!!! (yes MIL I am talking about you).

She told DP she'd think about it but that she hoped she was welcome whenever she wanted to stay in his home.

Cheeky mare! There's nothing for her to 'think about' and was 'his home' a slip of the tongue? Surely she meant 'your home'?!

She told DP she'd think about it

... and what did your DP say to that?

I hope something along the lines of 'Sure, think about it Mum. Either come another time or don't come at all, but do not come on xyz' :)

Sorry OP that sounds like she's still thinkingof pitching up come hell or high water. Perhaps she thinks she can get you to back down in person by laying on a guilt trip, turning up looking all dishevelled and travel weary.

I would be tempted to tell your friends to book into a hotel but you and your DH book into the same one so you can all catch up and have a nice break. That way if MIL turns up there's noone there to guilt. I bet she'd nver do it again if told it wasn't conveinient.