Was I being selfish and precious about ds?

[Albertinaschnauzer]

Ds has ASD, he is 11. Tonight we went out to dinner with a family member who knows ds very well, knows he has ASD, though does make the odd comment about discipline in the early years might have made difference . Ds didn't really want to go but did because I asked him to. I promised him I would make him pizza when we got home.

Anyway we all ate dinner, ds had a few fries, which he finished quickly. He then sat and waited for us all to finish, he was so so good as he struggles with waiting because of his ASD. We all finished but the family member had nearly a full pint of beer left. I looked round and saw that ds was close to tears, but still sitting there not complaining, so I said to family member, we had better head off now they said in a surprised tone "really? don't I even get a chance to finish my drink?" It was nearly a full pint and would have taken quite a long while. No one else was drinking alcohol. I felt a bit surprised and embarassed and just sat there for a moment, then I looked at ds's face again and decided I had to do what was best for him even at the risk of us being seen as rude. I said (although they already know!) that waiting is not easy for him and I was then told that I spoil ds, that I treat him like an 8 week old baby! I ignored, we left.

So was I in the wrong?

Is there any way of occupying your son so he doesn't feel like he's waiting around? If not YANBU, kids needs come first.

They clearly don't 'get it'.

No you aren't in the wrong. They should have seen him struggling too. Maybe they don't understand ASD, therefore they won't understand his needs.
I sympathise, its so hard to educate folk.
Hope you enjoyed your meal and he enjoyed his pizza!

Was there anyone else there OP (besides your ds and the family member)?

Being charitable it would be annoying if i'd just ordered a drink and the only other people there wanted to leave.

There's no need for the family member to have made a narky comment though so i think YANBU.

Oops sorry didn't read the last bit about you treating ds like a baby.

That's beyond rude. YADNBU.

Hmm, I don't think you were being precious about your DS, after all, you know what he's like and that he finds it hard to be in situations like these. BUT did your family member see clearly that DS was upset? If he didn't, then yes, he might have thought you were being very rude at not waiting for him to finish his drink. If I could see a child was upset but trying to hide it, I would totally be ok with the parents leaving, or doing whatever was right for the child.

Sorry, but your family member does sound like a bit of a nob, what with the rude comments about your parenting.

No. I wouldn't go out to dinner with them again with him.

YANBU

Yes I told him ds was upset, he could see it too as ds had his head buried in my lap by this point to shut out sensory input.

Did the others have to leave when you did? Could you not have left them to it?

Yanbu i think the relative should have either drank up or realised everyone was nearly done and not ordered a full pint. I'm so glad you stuck up for your ds some people really struggle with the balance.

They don't get it or care to if they equate ASD with spoiling a child.

No it was just us and the family member, who to be fair goes out to the pub and to eat alone quite often and doesn't seem to need an audience then.

My Toad is also 11 and ASD.

I think your 'compromise' was just fine. Your Ds went out and behaved beautifully and you left earlier than you would have to avoid a meltdown.

Win-win in my opinion.

I think you were absolutely right to put your son's needs over the relative's need for a pint p, and I hope you keep doing so, what a total knob the relative is!

Could you have all had another drink or would that really have been impossible? It's hard to judge whether or not you were being precious or not but taking things to occupy DS as well as using 'get out' tactics such as saying "Well, we've had a lovely time, you finish your drink but we really have to get going, we need to blah blah..." may be more effective than talking about leaving because your son can't wait due to his ASD.

No you were bein totally reasonable. Being previous would have been to decline the meal altogether.

Well done to DS for being so well behaved!

Can't tell from your op. why didn't your ds eat with you? Seems odd to go out for a meal but not order for ds? If he can't do meals maybe you should have got the friend to come to you? Could have taken a book? No idea.

mrslouistheroux I had already been doing that for an hour! There has to be an endpoint sometime. I think ds did pretty well considering he didn't want to go in the first place.

Sorry I misread your post . Apologies.

He did eat with us, he had fries. There was nothing else he would eat on the menu.

So use the 'get out tactic'-
"Well, we've had a lovely time, you finish your drink but we really have to get going, we need to blah blah..."
If this person is unsympathetic towards your DS and his ASD, don't give them the opportunity to complain about it.