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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being selfish and precious about ds?

68 replies

Albertinaschnauzer · 14/06/2013 19:17

Ds has ASD, he is 11. Tonight we went out to dinner with a family member who knows ds very well, knows he has ASD, though does make the odd comment about discipline in the early years might have made difference Hmm. Ds didn't really want to go but did because I asked him to. I promised him I would make him pizza when we got home.

Anyway we all ate dinner, ds had a few fries, which he finished quickly. He then sat and waited for us all to finish, he was so so good as he struggles with waiting because of his ASD. We all finished but the family member had nearly a full pint of beer left. I looked round and saw that ds was close to tears, but still sitting there not complaining, so I said to family member, we had better head off now they said in a surprised tone "really? don't I even get a chance to finish my drink?" It was nearly a full pint and would have taken quite a long while. No one else was drinking alcohol. I felt a bit surprised and embarassed and just sat there for a moment, then I looked at ds's face again and decided I had to do what was best for him even at the risk of us being seen as rude. I said (although they already know!) that waiting is not easy for him and I was then told that I spoil ds, that I treat him like an 8 week old baby! I ignored, we left.

So was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/06/2013 19:34

Some people are very clueless about autism.

Original poster
Albertinaschnauzer · 14/06/2013 19:36

kotinka yes possibly. I have suspected this.

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 14/06/2013 19:39

I think ds did pretty well considering he didn't want to go in the first place. Yes I agree but other people don't often see the effort some go to (to cope with) certain social situations do they? It's good that he went, he is learning that despite the way it makes him feel, sometimes you have to do stuff just because others want to.
It's a shame it's been thrown back at you OP.

DianaTrent · 14/06/2013 19:39

YANBU at all. Family member is an insensitive, self centred git, however. It sounds life you and your DS made a lot more effort than they deserved like turning up for a start.

MrsDimples · 14/06/2013 19:41

YANBU

ASD trumps alcohol.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/06/2013 19:42

I don't understand why they needed an audience for drinking a pint. Confused A pint isn't really an accompaniment to a sit down meal anyway, and if it were still almost full they weren't drinking it with dinner. Finishing off the last of a glass of wine, I could perhaps see their point were it not for your sons ASD. Could they not have picked up the glass and moved away from the table, if that would have helped? We often take our drinks and go to sit elsewhere after eating.

Sorry, that's probably a bit of a ramble, but I'm genuinely confused as to how they had an issue with this.

YANBU, and good on you for standing your ground and putting your sons needs first. Your relative sounds a little odd, sorry.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 14/06/2013 19:43

Albert - YWNBU not even one little bit. I would have probably left even earlier. Your DS did brilliantly and I would not have put him off trying again for anyone. The 'relative' is a GIT

ShinyPenny · 14/06/2013 19:49

Yanbu at all. You did the right thing.

TotallyBursar · 14/06/2013 19:52

Well firstly - how proud are you of your ds?! It sounds like he did very, very well so well done to him.

Secondly, this isn't your problem, it's your relative's. YADNBU.
Unfortunately some people are totally resistant to accepting ASD as anything other than a lack of a decent smack.
Others seem to pay lip service to the diagnosis until it in anyway inconveniences them, it's a shame as they will miss out on the great person your dd is. Their loss.

It's bad enough dealing with people that over stay their welcome with nt children (no, we can't hang about for a 4 hour lunch watching you get pissed in the pub garden actually Angry ) so for an overstayer to be adding stress to your son then of course his interests need to come before the hanger abouter.
Your relative is a grown up, he should have acted like one & not been so rude - bit ironic to complain of you spoiling your ds while acting like a big old spoiled bitch.

TotallyBursar · 14/06/2013 19:55

One of my ds' changed into a dd there Hmm Sorry AutoCAD.

TotallyBursar · 14/06/2013 19:55

*Autocorrect Blush

theoriginalandbestrookie · 14/06/2013 19:59

YANBU. I thought the point of having a drink with your meal was that, well you drank it with your meal. Not that you saved it up like some sort of replacement dessert.

I like MrsLouisTherouxs suggestion though for the wording, means there is nothing for the other person to complain about.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2013 20:03

The family member should know better. Sounds like DS did really well and whatever you are doing, carry on.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 14/06/2013 20:14

Genuine question - why did you go out for a meal with this person? Was it a special meal or something?

Just trying to understand the dynamics a bit here.

Portofino · 14/06/2013 20:35

Home early too. Not like it was a long drawn out affair.

Portofino · 14/06/2013 20:38

Sorry that sounds brusque. My nephew is ASD, I realise it brings difficulties to social situations.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/06/2013 20:46

Yanbu or precious at all.

I'm also impressed with your ds it sounds like he did well

Jan49 · 14/06/2013 20:55

No you weren't in the wrong to leave. Smile

I would avoid someone who made the comments that this person made. They don't understand, they are not willing to try to understand, and they just make your life harder. If you can't avoid them, maybe just avoid things like meals out or situations which are hard.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/06/2013 20:57

Ywnbu

Your son did really well and to be honest I think that family member was taking the piss and that was before he was rude to you.

After settling on a good compromise it was best to leave when you could see your son getting upset,otherwise the rest of the day would have been ruined for him.

Your family member was being a git and could try having a little empathy/educating himself.

PicaK · 14/06/2013 21:07

yadnbu.

Unless you were insisting that family member was not allowed to stay and finish their drink. In which case you perhaps needed to have sorted your own exit strategy.

Otherwise family member is git, rude tosser.
Whatever your son did really well.

Original poster
Albertinaschnauzer · 14/06/2013 21:42

I was MORE than happy for him to stay and finish his drink, we only live just up the road so would have met him there but no, it was rude not to stay till he had finished apparently.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/06/2013 21:47

Definitely being an arsehole OP.

Don't entertain the idea that you were in the wrong for another minute. You were not at all in the wrong and handled the situation really well. Can't account for other people being arseholes though.

BadgersNadgers · 14/06/2013 21:47

Your relative needs to learn how to down a pint. In future you are not allowed to go out with such amateurs!

Hope DS enjoyed his pizza Grin

gamerchick · 14/06/2013 21:52

The family member in question behaved like a bellend. You did so the right thing.

and seriously, WELL DONE to your little man, self regulating is hard work and he did so well. You must be so proud of him. I hope he enjoyed his pizza Grin

Dawndonna · 14/06/2013 22:06

You did exactly the right thing OP. Your relative needs to learn some manners, something he could learn from your eleven year old perhaps!
I do hope he wasn't too distressed to enjoy his pizza when he got home.

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