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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's sad that some parents seem to be so dismissive of their dc's feelings?

74 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 13/06/2013 20:30

I heard a conversation between two dads at ds's preschool this morning about the children starting school in September.

The one dad was saying "yeah, we can't wait for him to go the whole day, we can't wait to be rid of him, good riddance I say. All he does is get on my nerves at home it'll be much better when he's at school all day. We've still got the babby but that's ok because we can give him a bottle and just get with stuff"

The little boy was right next to him. He wasn't saying it jokingly, he meant it. There was quite an aggressive tone to his voice.

Why do people have children if they feel like that about them? And why have MORE children if you feel like that about the first child?

OP posts:

crumblepie · 13/06/2013 21:53

ive said worse to my children than that

Goldenbear · 13/06/2013 21:57

The Dad sounds pathetic If he can't even handle bringing up a normal 4 year old boy. How's he going to cope as this child gets older?

Yes and I really font understand why people have more when they clearly can't even bring up one child.

Andro · 13/06/2013 22:09

Why speak to your child im such a way? Even if you think it, even if you say it when they're not there, why say it when they're stood right next to you?

Because some 'parents' really don't care how much their words hurt their children.

My mother would never have deliberately stated her pleasure at getting rid of me in public (I went to boarding school) because it would have called her 'mothering' into question, but she made her joy clear (and more) to my face.

Andro · 13/06/2013 22:14

I think the key point is no one said the boy was upset

Maybe he's reached the point of accepting the words as normal? Children learn to cover a lot because it's easier than the alternative.

Birdsgottafly · 13/06/2013 22:16

He may have been joking.

However, for those defending making a child feel unworthy and not cherished, go over to the "but we took you to stately homes" thread in relationships.

It was fashionable when i was growing up to "knock a child down a peg or two", if it was suggested that a child (especially a female child) should have their self esteem and confidence built up, it would have been laughed at, aka john Lennons "a working class hero".

It isn't just the media that create the unhappiness that a lot of teens feel and the issues that they have.

As for "drug pusher etc" comment, people with good self esteem, self respect and emotional wellbeing, don't become promiscuous and have addictions, when they are young.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 13/06/2013 22:20

YANBU - some parents are vile to their children - and yes, it's tone and bodylanguage too. Many a parents will have said things like 'I'll be glad when the holidays are over' or 'Child starts in Sept and not before time!' but not with the same tone (which you can hear from here... babby is fine - shove a bottle in it and we get some peace'.

crumble - have you? Do you struggle? Or was it said in a tired, worn, time for them to have more to do in the day than be at home way?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 13/06/2013 22:21

JuicySteak - what was your previous posting name?

crumblepie · 13/06/2013 22:31

it was years ago chipping when they were infant and junior age , always arguing together , they dont remember what i used to say or the arguments they used to have now , luckily :)

AnneTwacky · 13/06/2013 22:32

I don't think it matters if he was joking or not, he shouldn't have said it in front of his DS.

If he was speaking about his DW/ DP in that manner and belittling her whether or not she was in ear shot, even in jest, everyone would (quite rightly) be up in arms.

OP YANBU

ParadiseChick · 13/06/2013 22:38

It is sad. There's obviously poor attachment between the father and his son, probably very few positive interactions in a day, dad probably feels harassed and can't cope. Some parents do view their children as nuisances, it's a fact. Usually because they've failed to bond in the early days for whatever number of reasons. The child grows to represent everything the parent resents about life. It happens, a lot. I don't understand why people are trying to deny the existence of these s situations. It is sad.

PickledPlum · 13/06/2013 22:40

Yanbu. It never fails to amaze me how some people talk to their children. I'm a Stately Homer with a name change and I can say from personal experience that remarks like this do damage. As a very young child I believed everything (unpleasant) my mother said about me, and this continued for many years until the scales fell from my eyes.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 13/06/2013 22:44

Weird thread. Seems to be full of people taking a pop for the sake of it. I hate hearing parents slagging off their kids; I've known a few do it 'jokingly' but that's not much better, if at all.

And yes, over the years I've had more than the occasional moan or rant, but not systematically slagging them off in front of them with no shame.

And, ime, little kids blank out this sort of thing if it's a regular occurance; that would explain why 'no one said he looked upset.' What's a four year old going to say - 'did you mean to be so rude?'

bigkidsdidit · 13/06/2013 22:46

Hearing that would make me sad too, OP. especially if the child was just standing there listening like it was normal.

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 22:50

I do try to think back to being a child and how I felt about things.

Yes, with hindsight panicking for days about a banana that was going mouldier by the minute in my desk was just daft but at the time it genuinely worried me.

I do my best not to dismiss what might be nothing in the grand scheme of things but might really be of great concern to them.

Some people just don't realise what they've got.

Wylye · 13/06/2013 22:57

In response to those saying the child didn't seem bothered (and that therefore makes it ok? ) - children do not always display their emotions. When I was 3/4 a stranger who walked past stubbed their ciggie out on the back of my hand, I didn't make a peep or even tell my mum that day. That doesn't mean it didn't shock, hurt, and confuse me.

Wylye · 13/06/2013 23:04

Also, it seems to me that it was the casual way in which the man spoke that made the OP understand that he meant what he said.
We've probably all spoken horridly to our DC in anger, frustration or tiredness and said things we don't really mean, it's not the same at all.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/06/2013 01:51

Even if it wasnt meant seriously a four year old won't understand that. They might not react at the time but they do absorb it. It is totally different from saying in an obviously jokey way to a teenager "I can't wait till you go to university and turn your bedroom into a gym".

Years ago my uncle said to me and my mum in front of my cousin, who was a similar age (and apparently absorbed in his Nintendo) that he and my aunt would have had a much easier life without him. My cousin didn't react at the time, but repeated it back on several later occasions. He was too little to understand that Daddy might have said something just plain wrong, or not quite the full truth, because that requires understanding that your parents are fallible, which doesn't come until later.

Dorris83 · 14/06/2013 11:31

OP YANBU.
I'm also sad about this. It's sad to think that this boy's dad was unkind about him in front if him.
It's not something you call SS about but OP didn't suggest that. She just said it made her sad.
Why can't we expect parents to be kind to their children? It's basic human decency and what children (everyone) deserves.

TheBigJessie · 14/06/2013 11:39

MNers, it is possible to find another person wanting, even if they are a fellow paretns.

This over-identification with other parents, just because you know they're parents, this urge to be on their side, at all costs, is saddening.

Fakebook · 14/06/2013 11:50

I love it when dd is at school. I also have a "babby" who's a toddler now and I literally do stick a bottle in his mouth and he sleeps from 11.00 to 2pm most days. I have "me" time then.

Would I tell dd that I love it when she's at school and that I enjoy myself without her? No way! Infact I tell her everyday that the house was quiet without her and that her db missed her. I make her feel welcome when she comes home and tell her about our day and then ask her what she did.

What you witnessed OP, was horrible. I feel sorry for the boy. Ofcourse all parents must like the "break" but you just wouldn't admit it to them and talk about it so horribly infront of them.

Chottie · 14/06/2013 12:36

I just wonder why some people chose to have dc?!?

flippinada · 14/06/2013 13:13

Yanbu. I'm surprised people think otherwise.

I'm a very long way from being a perfect parent but I would never say this in front of my DS, even as a "joke". Of course I look forward to having a break and get exasperated/fed up but I don't say that to him. Children do absorb these things.

EarthtoMajorTom · 14/06/2013 13:24

YANBU. Have met a significant number of parents like that when I taught in primary schools. They do exist, the children are well used to it and the children do have low self-esteem.

AnnaFiveTowns · 14/06/2013 13:41

YANBU. Some parents are completely insensitive. Sadly, there's not much anyone can do about it but there's nothing wrong with discussing it on here. Isn't that what AIBU is for?

Agree with you, OP.

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