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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... not to want to be H's and PIL's cash cow?

107 replies

TheGlorifiedSecretary · 10/06/2013 18:01

NC as this one will out me to anyone who knows me.

PIL are coming over for two weeks. They live overseas, in a less than affluent place, and have never left the country before. Yes, it's a big thing for them and yes, they're all terribly excited. Unfortunately, so is H.

So far he has ...

  • Delayed booking their flights until the prices skyrocketed. The combined price of their flights is now at a third of my monthly salary.
  • Allowed his mother to invite her youngest son along on the trip - on our (i.e. my) expense.
  • Insisted his parents cannot sleep on a camping mattress and made the ludicrous suggestion of buying a brand new double mattress just for them. Decided to put PIL up in our bedroom instead when I vetoed this.
  • Decided that since they're coming to Europe he'll take them to Paris for a weekend - 4* hotel and all.
  • Picked a gazillion fancy restaurants to take his family to for various dinners. He took me to the kebab shop for my birthday FFS!
  • Promised his mum a shopping trip at the local equivalent of Selfridges.
  • Promised his brother to take him to a football game
  • Promised expensive souvenirs to SIL back home
  • ...

Decent is never good enough for his parents. It has to be the finest and most expensive of everything!

All of this would be fine - if it weren't for the fact that I'm the one paying for it. H and I moved to continental Europe last year. I work as an IT consultant and make decent money - H is refusing (by his own admission) to learn the language and is hence an intern at a company where only English is spoken. He earns a pittance and I pay for everything (rent, bills, food, him going out with his friends, ...)

H doesn't see what the big deal is. He is saying that the entire stay for the three of them "only" costs me one month's salary. Yes, one month. That is some 20-odd days of getting up at 6am, dealing with my thoroughly unpleasant client's antics all day and coming home at night ready to drop dead!

We had a huge row about this last night, during which H said that after PIL leave he's finally going to learn the local language and get a proper job. He plans on doing this by attending a three week residential course. Guess who he thinks is paying for this as well?

WIBU to sell H and PIL into slavery in order to recoup some of the money they apparently all think I'm making exclusively for them to spend?

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 10/06/2013 18:06

I would not expect my DH to pay for my family and likewise I would not pay for his. He earns about 60 per cent more than me to put it intocontext.

FiveSugarsPlease · 10/06/2013 18:10

I'd be livid.

There's no way I'd pay for this.

I'm all for joint accounts, but only if expenditure is reasonable and/or mutually agreed upon.

Tell him no. No, no, no. Have your PILs round by all means. But they'll be having home cooked meals, free walks etc etc.

It's too late to cancel the flights, but not too late to cancel the other things, surely.

HalfPastTwoDear · 10/06/2013 18:10

You're married. There is no "his" versus "mine".

GenuineBrunetteRoots · 10/06/2013 18:10

YANBU

When are the in-laws coming? Can your DH get an evening/weekend/night job temporarily for a few weeks beforehand to earn the money for their stay?

defineme · 10/06/2013 18:11

so he does this without asking you?

surely couple discuss big purchases?

why cant pil pay for flights?

your dh sounds dreadfully immature and it sounds like you dont like him very much.

what do you get out of the marriage?

HazleNutt · 10/06/2013 18:15

I would generally say it's family money now and tough, PILs are family - but your H does not seem to be pulling his weight to actually contribute to that money pot. So in this situation, spending it lavishly without even consulting you - YANBU.

Can't PILs pay for anything themselves?

Oh and I'd never offer our bedroom for anybody.

schoolgovernor · 10/06/2013 18:16

As you were taken for a kebab for your birthday you are not being unreasonable. I know people say that once you're married it's all shared, but fair's fair. And anyway, if the money is to be shared, that means you share decision-making when it comes to how vast quantities of it are spent.
No is a complete sentence as they say. If your husband can't accept that then personally my suggestion would be about setting up a sole name account for yourself and restricting his access to your earnings.

Original poster
TheGlorifiedSecretary · 10/06/2013 18:23

No, I don't like H very much right now, I really don't!

PIL can't pay for anything because they have no money. Same reason we've already paid for BIL's wedding, other BIL's university tuition fees and accommodation, their mortgage, ...

To be fair, they do live in a developing nation and things are looking rather bleak there at the moment. So that's not really their fault.

H has always been slightly out of it where his parents are concerned. He'll do literally anything they ask for. E.g. he's a smoker but won't light up in front of them "out of respect". A few years ago he insisted on getting me pregnant because MIL really wants a grandson (didn't happen, I'm not an incubator, FFS!)

He's normally a sensible, fun person. But when his family gets involved he tantrums like a two year old.

OP posts:
Trills · 10/06/2013 18:24

YANBU to be pissed off at:

1 - him making big financial decisions (1 month's salary is a big one) without consulting you
2 - him not even trying to learn the language of the country you are in

YAB a bit U to be annoyed that he has realised that he needs to learn the language and get a job

YAB a bit U to use the phrase "cash cow"

schoolgovernor · 10/06/2013 18:33

So, if he's refusing to learn the language so that he can pull his weight financially, is that going back on what was planned when you moved? I can't help thinking that on another thread people would be calling him a bit of a cocklodger.

defineme · 10/06/2013 18:34

i appreciate that sending money home is what a lot people do, but usually they're the ones earning it!

honestly you're coming across as a bit of a fool...

i know someone married to very rich man and he has taken extended family on holiday, but he doesn't pay off debts and so on.

what about when you do have kids and need the money for thei future? you could be saving for that now because it seems unlikely he'll be abe to support a child. but he will never say no to parents, so you'll be working all the time, never see your child, and they wont be benifiting.

you're being far too respectful of his culture and he's spitting all over yours.

if you want to stay with this tit then get a sole bank account and learn to say no. have some self respect.

Bobyan · 10/06/2013 18:36

You're basically their doormat. I would be restricting his access to your money and making sure I was away when they visit.

VodkaJelly · 10/06/2013 18:36

So what would happen if you said to H -

"sorry H but I cant pay your parents mortgage etc anymore as my parents are struggling and i have agreed to pay their mortgage instead and all their bills etc, wont leave any money left over"

Would he kick up a fuss or accept it. After all he is quite happy to spend all your money on his parents.

And YANBU to call yourself a cash cow because that is how he sees you. Yes all money is joint blah blah blah if you are the one earning it then you should consulted about how it is spent

HalfPastTwoDear · 10/06/2013 18:37

I'm guessing you live in Brussels. My husband doesn't speak French but he moved to Belgium to be with me. I married him for him, not for his job-finding abilities.

Can you just imagine the flap around here if some bloke was bitching about how little his wife earned. Give me strength.

VodkaJelly · 10/06/2013 18:40

HalfPastTwoDear she is not bitching about how little he earns but how he is happy to spend her whole months wage on his parents without asking her. Unacceptable regardles of which gender is doing it.

Kernowgal · 10/06/2013 18:43

YANBU. I would tell him to get bent. He's showing off on your money. What an outrageous cheek!

Xmasbaby11 · 10/06/2013 18:46

YANBU. He can't promise all those things without consulting you first.

LucyGoose · 10/06/2013 18:48

Gosh, poor OP. You must feel like you are merely the Bank cash machine right now.

The main problem I see is that your "D"H is immature and has yet to try and stop pleasing his parents and gaining their approval.

All these things he has planned - Paris visit, football, shopping etc are to show off and be the golden boy of the family. And unless you put your foot down and stop being so easy going, you will always be walked all over.

Say this: You have paid for tickets, for them and one extra visitor and this visit is for you to spend time with family, not galavanting around Paris. That is a ridiculous idea - of course, he is free to do this, if he OR THEY, pay for Paris, not you.
Do your parents get the same 4* treatment? I'll bet not!!

Grow a pair, even if it means a row. I earn 3X what my husband earns and under no circumstances does he ask me for cash gifts for his family. Its beyond ridiculous and very sad that you are being put in this position.

phantomnamechanger · 10/06/2013 18:49

major expenses should be discussed and agreed regardless of who earns the most money.

If DH wants to be able to spend loads on "treats" for them as well as the flights and board, he needs to earn more, or have less expensve ideas.

defineme · 10/06/2013 18:49

Dh earns more than me, i could spend our money on a birkin bag for my mum, but that would be wrong because we need to save for our future.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2013 18:50

I'd be angry. Mostly about him refusing to learn the language and get a job, though.

I was in the same situation with DH, back when we were living off my money - we paid for his parents to come over and so on, and we did then (and still do) send them money fairly frequently. I would have been livid if that'd coincided with DH not busting his arse to get a job and earn money. I think, fair enough, you knew when you married him (I hope and trust?!) that his parents were in financial difficulties. But if he wants to help them out financially he should be putting the effort in. And all of this spending should be up for discussion - he shouldn't be just assuming it's reasonable for you to spend a month's income, even if you are quite comfortable. It is shared money if you're married, yes, but that means you also share in deciding what to do with it.

I must admit I don't get the issue with him not smoking out of respect, though.

LIZS · 10/06/2013 18:52

Why did you agree to move if he had no intention of working ? Hmm If he has always been free with your money, and you have to an extent enabled this, perhaps now is time to put the brakes on and define the boundaries. Yes I'm sure they want to see a successful son but they probably have no realistic concept of how expensive it is nor that it isn't his earnings funding it. He wants to show them a lifestyle he cannot afford, tell him to downsize his plans.

ihearsounds · 10/06/2013 18:52

I would take away his unlimited access to the cash. He is taking the piss. You carry on paying bills, food etc, but he has to live day to day on his wage and contribute to the household.
If he wants to support his family then he needs to earn more.

claudedebussy · 10/06/2013 18:56

totally out of order.

phantomnamechanger · 10/06/2013 18:58

just a thought, but is there any chance he has l;ied to his family about how well he is doing and therefore feels the need to put on an impressive show.

If they are from a poorer country and have no money themselves, his actions might be seen as a sign of success and make them proud. But (if it were his money to fritter) it might be better to do something more lasting with it for them.

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