... not to want to be H's and PIL's cash cow?

[TheGlorifiedSecretary]

NC as this one will out me to anyone who knows me.

PIL are coming over for two weeks. They live overseas, in a less than affluent place, and have never left the country before. Yes, it's a big thing for them and yes, they're all terribly excited. Unfortunately, so is H.

So far he has ...

• Delayed booking their flights until the prices skyrocketed. The combined price of their flights is now at a third of my monthly salary.

• Allowed his mother to invite her youngest son along on the trip - on our (i.e. my) expense.

• Insisted his parents cannot sleep on a camping mattress and made the ludicrous suggestion of buying a brand new double mattress just for them. Decided to put PIL up in our bedroom instead when I vetoed this.

• Decided that since they're coming to Europe he'll take them to Paris for a weekend - 4* hotel and all.

• Picked a gazillion fancy restaurants to take his family to for various dinners. He took me to the kebab shop for my birthday FFS!

• Promised his mum a shopping trip at the local equivalent of Selfridges.

• Promised his brother to take him to a football game

• Promised expensive souvenirs to SIL back home

• ...

Decent is never good enough for his parents. It has to be the finest and most expensive of everything!

All of this would be fine - if it weren't for the fact that I'm the one paying for it. H and I moved to continental Europe last year. I work as an IT consultant and make decent money - H is refusing (by his own admission) to learn the language and is hence an intern at a company where only English is spoken. He earns a pittance and I pay for everything (rent, bills, food, him going out with his friends, ...)

H doesn't see what the big deal is. He is saying that the entire stay for the three of them "only" costs me one month's salary. Yes, one month. That is some 20-odd days of getting up at 6am, dealing with my thoroughly unpleasant client's antics all day and coming home at night ready to drop dead!

We had a huge row about this last night, during which H said that after PIL leave he's finally going to learn the local language and get a proper job. He plans on doing this by attending a three week residential course. Guess who he thinks is paying for this as well?

WIBU to sell H and PIL into slavery in order to recoup some of the money they apparently all think I'm making exclusively for them to spend?

MN at its best.

Reverse it - he has a good job, gets posts abroad she is so caught up in domestic bliss she cant speak the local lingo, her parents are arriving - and it would be joint bank accounts galore and equal money.

In this situation where she is the earner, he's suddenly a cocklodger.

I just love feminism; whats mine is mine and whats his is mine too

i would definitely be making sure that the parents know exactly who is funding this trip.

'd'h would be on a strict budget until he gets his arse in gear and gets a job. i would pay for the langauge course but only after he realises its a strict budget and nothing else. and decides to return the cash from his first paycheck.

after all its on a months wages!!! (see how he likes it!!)

You've done more than enough for him and them.

It's not your fault that your ILs are from a developing country and that your H doesn't have a job.

I bet he hates it when you mention to anyone that you pay for everything, right?

I disagree that the fact it's a female supporting a make is the issue here. What I've read is about a lack of respect, an unwillingness to be realistic financially and a need to impress extended family. I don't think that's acceptable for a partner of either sex.

This makes me really sad. This is their trip of a lifetime (never left own country before) and it makes me feel pretty sad that you are so focused on your bottom line (cash), rather than family and memories.

Personally if I could arrange for this for my OHs family I would be delighted to chuck a months wages at it if it made him (and them) happy. You will make more money next month, he might not get to show his parents europe ever again.

As Hollyberry says, if this were a woman posting that her husband had moved her abroad, and now wasn't happy spending his money on her parents visit people would be up in arms spouting about it all being joint money in a marriage :(

It's the deciept that would kill trust in him, for me. Spending large chunks of joint money without agreement is bad enough.

He should have sat down with you and planned the visit together. Sounds like he cannot conceive of compromise for them, to the extent that he's wilfully deceiving himself, as well as you, that 'everything will be ok, if only my parents believe we are doing ok'.

trouble with 'trips of a lifetime' like this when you're not the one footing the bill is that they become 'trips of a year'. it'll be that much easier to visit again because they've done it before.

this won't be the last time i guarantee it.

Yes, but I think the crucial thing is that it would be your idea, lottie. And probably more along day trips to capital city/ in-country beauty spots rather than all expenses paid , 4* trips to Paris for four adult people

Your husband is entitled, OP. He's not a SAHD, he's not making enough effort to become employable in your country- he's a freeloader.

HollyBerryBush - I am a SAHM - I can't work because of depression and health problems, but there is no way I would take on new credit without discussing it with dh, to entertain my family. Nor would I consider it my right to spend large sums of money without discussing it.

We have a budget - set by dh, not because he is the man or the earner, but because he is very good at maths and financial planning - and I know what is available to spend on, for example, food or family fun, so I don't have to ask permission to spend every penny, but I wouldn't dream of spending the equivalent of a month of his salary!

I bet if he'd talked to OP, she'd have planned the trip of a lifetime for them, with him! There's nothing here to suggest otherwise.

She's have made sure it was done in a more cost effective way. There is no benefit from leaving bookings late and throwing extra money at airlines. His family are going to be impressed by and enjoy all sorts of things, going for the flashiest just shows a lack of imagination. I'm sure OP could have suggested lots of less expensive but equally memorable activites.

Oops, sorry, that was aimed at Monty

Right, I wondered!

Hang on a minute, if he used to support his parents out of his own money then you didn't pay for BIL's wedding and education and PILs mortgage, he did. So that's in the past. You can't really go raking it up now IMO. And if he's been paying PILs mortgage it would be pretty shit to suddenly stop paying.

I understand you are fristrated and I do think he's taking the piss a bit, but it is a trip of a lifetime for his Ps. And presumably he moved because you got a job - ok I get he was naieve about how easy it would be for him find work, but you're both here now.

I also think this thread would have some different responses if the genders were reversed

OP I can relate and i know it is not about a male/female issue.

The main issue is that there is sometimes an unrealistic view of what family in the developed world can do for those back home which is also tied into the OP's husband trying to maintain some sort of status and favoured child role. If not handled properly and quickly this can have serious long term impact on your financial health in the long term.

We can't totally stop helping cos of culture and because parents may have no other source of support, but you have to adopt a plan and stick to it. At a minimum:

• cut off non-essential support : no wedding funding for example beyond a relative token.
• support for parent only to ensure they have the basics, make sure that support is not to feed the extended family. Stick to sending this monthly and they will learn to budget accordingly.

-only healthcare related expenses or other real emergencies should be considered and only for a real tight family circle.

• one off treats such as a parental visit should be a one-off or unless finances permit being regular.
• above all do not provide for others what you cannot provide for yourself e.g. do not offer mortgage help when you have not managed to buy your own home. It only builds resentment.

Even if your DH starts to earn as normal you would find without doing this your family's ability to do joint long-term planning and have savings will be impacted.

I learnt this the hard way and I am the partner with family in a developing country.

GOOD LUCK.

I think the responses saying they needed to talk it over and agree would still have been present with the gender reversed. It's not on for any member of a couple to unilaterally 'decide' on lavish spending like this.

On the residential course thing, though - can't he do this before they come, so he is all ready to get working asap after their trip? It is worth paying out if it gets him into work. Could you negotiate for more spending to be allocated to the trip if he takes and passes the course beforehand?

It is family money, not your money. However, this is not a case of you both choosing for him not to work in order to be a stay at home dad, or because of illness, or whatever. He just can't be arsed. That's different, and it makes him a knobber, and it would still be knobbish behaviour if the genders were reversed too.

This needs a discussion on how much you as a family can reasonably afford to pay for his family's visit, and then stick to it. There will be lots of nice things you can do as a family that are cheaper or free. Perhaps organise one big/fancy treat for the family, but not lots of expensive treats every day.

After that he needs to make a concerted effort to get a job, or you need to decide if staying out there is sustainable on the one salary.

Yanbu at all, H is taking the piss I would not pay. Just because you are the higher earner des not mean you have to be shat upn and treated like a doormat.

He is taking advantage and living above his means. What if you were a lw earner too, than these expensive things would not be happening

If he has no job, so no money & no access to your account what has he been living on since you moved?

I emigrated with DH to the UK & had no job for a while when we came over first. I would have been disgusted with him if he'd left me short while I was unemployed. And I can't say I definitely wouldn't have turned to credit if I had nothing of my own & no access to DH's wages.

Sorry - just read he has a job, but earns a pittance. Not sure it changes much though.

Bollocks would anybody be saying different if genders were reversed they would be demanding to know what the op's contribution to the household was, why she couldn't get a part time job and telling her she wbu as you don't spend large sums of money without discussion.

Yes it is family money, but then you should have an equal say in how it is spent. It does not seem like you do.
His job is really a separate issue, it sounds like you are feeling used and he is not pulling his weight.
I also think he is showing off to his family a bit, to let them know he's made it. In some developing countries, it is the norm for better off relatives to support less well off ones, esp as there isn't a social service. However, no one expects fancy hotels and meals out, that's just silly.

I come from a family where two different cultures have met and had to work through this issue of supporting the extended family. It has caused many an argument between my parents, particularly when the recipient of the help is unappreciative or makes bad decision after bad decision ensuring even more help is needed. From experience, I would say you need to set some limits. Leave your DHs job out of the argument otherwise when he does get a better job, he will just turn around and say well its my money now.

Also, really think about how much of an issue this is for you. I suspect even if you said no, he'd go ahead, but it might make him more conservative with his help.
My parents have got to the point now where Dad gives behind Mums back. She finds out and all hell breaks loose. His excuse is she would have lost it even if he'd discussed it with her first. She, on the other hand, is so geared up that she gets mad even when he is helping someone who deserves it and has helped our family tenfold in the past. They have had years of this and neither will give an inch in their opinion that the other is in the wrong.

Which country do you live in?

It staff don't generally earn a pittance.

If the genders were reversed here my response would be exactly the same. You might pool the funds as a couple, but that doesn't mean that one half of the partnership can spend large sums of money without consultation. Or that they can go ahead with the spending when the other half does not agree. Or that they can run up credit card debt assuming that the joint pot will bail them out.
Fucking stupid trying to turn this into some sort of feminist issue.