... not to want to be H's and PIL's cash cow?

[TheGlorifiedSecretary]

NC as this one will out me to anyone who knows me.

PIL are coming over for two weeks. They live overseas, in a less than affluent place, and have never left the country before. Yes, it's a big thing for them and yes, they're all terribly excited. Unfortunately, so is H.

So far he has ...

• Delayed booking their flights until the prices skyrocketed. The combined price of their flights is now at a third of my monthly salary.

• Allowed his mother to invite her youngest son along on the trip - on our (i.e. my) expense.

• Insisted his parents cannot sleep on a camping mattress and made the ludicrous suggestion of buying a brand new double mattress just for them. Decided to put PIL up in our bedroom instead when I vetoed this.

• Decided that since they're coming to Europe he'll take them to Paris for a weekend - 4* hotel and all.

• Picked a gazillion fancy restaurants to take his family to for various dinners. He took me to the kebab shop for my birthday FFS!

• Promised his mum a shopping trip at the local equivalent of Selfridges.

• Promised his brother to take him to a football game

• Promised expensive souvenirs to SIL back home

• ...

Decent is never good enough for his parents. It has to be the finest and most expensive of everything!

All of this would be fine - if it weren't for the fact that I'm the one paying for it. H and I moved to continental Europe last year. I work as an IT consultant and make decent money - H is refusing (by his own admission) to learn the language and is hence an intern at a company where only English is spoken. He earns a pittance and I pay for everything (rent, bills, food, him going out with his friends, ...)

H doesn't see what the big deal is. He is saying that the entire stay for the three of them "only" costs me one month's salary. Yes, one month. That is some 20-odd days of getting up at 6am, dealing with my thoroughly unpleasant client's antics all day and coming home at night ready to drop dead!

We had a huge row about this last night, during which H said that after PIL leave he's finally going to learn the local language and get a proper job. He plans on doing this by attending a three week residential course. Guess who he thinks is paying for this as well?

WIBU to sell H and PIL into slavery in order to recoup some of the money they apparently all think I'm making exclusively for them to spend?

If he wants to show off how much money you have it will only lead to them thinking you are wealthier than you actually are. They'll expect more from you. Another sibling to visit, more flights to buy etc.

He's being so unrealistic and unfair on you. I'm sure they'd be happy seeing your normal life. The odd meal out, fine, but Paris no way.

You are being taken for a right mug imo.

I would think the same if you were a bloke posting.

Wow he is taking the piss massively! He is a total cocklodger.

At first I was of the opinion that his parents are from a developing country, this trip is probably a once in a lifetime trip for them & really a month's wages is not that much comparatively for that kind of experience.

But, then you said about paying off their mortgage, university fees and a wedding, which puts a different spin on this.

I think that your issue is with your DH, not his parents who probably have no idea that it's you subsidising them so much and not their son, or that it's causing so much resentment.

Bit on the fence with this one - sorry I'm not much help

Why did you agree to move if he had no intention of working?

... because I thought he did. And he actually did - it's just that he thought they'd be queuing up in front of him because he's an IT guy and British (and therefore English speaking). Didn't quite work out the way he imagined, he lost interest in trying.

He doesn't have access to my bank account, by the way. He does however have several credit cards (didn't find out about those till last week) and has been using them left and right.

Because we're married, these are now our debts. I can either pay them off or face the bailiffs and forget about ever obtaining a mortgage from any bank. Or even a rental contract for that matter.

I can't believe this is happening. Never had these issues in the UK - we both worked, he made a little more than me (he's older and therefore has more experience), we split our expenses, he used to support his family from what was left over and I'd either save my extra or spend it on anything from charity donations to uncomfy but gorgeous shoes.

Can't help feeling he resents me doing better than him since we've been here and that this plays a part in his behaviour.

classic case of him not cutting his cloth according to his means - he needs to make cut backs if he is earning less, not be all extravagant. And secrecy over credit cards is never a good sign in any relationship.

It sounds like the situation with the Nigerian diaspora, which a Nigerian colleague told me about: they had to make it illegal to throw money into the air, as people were being hurt in the crush, but that didn't stop people saving all year at 2/3 (badly paid) jobs and being obliged to blow it all "at home", since it would be too, too shameful for anyone to admit their streets were not paved with gold.

Maybe other wives/husbands of OHs like your H (i.e. cross-cultural marriages) might have some advice on how to deal with this? Otherwise the resentment, which is already palpable in your tone, will finish you two

Surely if the debts are in his name only then you are not responsible for them he is.

I would be buying him a one ticket back to his parents it will be cheaper in the long run.

How did he get a joint credit card without you knowing?

If its not in joint names its not your debts they're his. As I said before he is treating you like a doormat and so far you are letting him.

I'd agree that maybe he has fallen into a passive role as trailing spouse. However he needs to know that this is not on . Maybe when you were both earning a good salary the lifestyle and expenses were more manageable but he isn't now and things are out of control. Either he gets out and gets a job , which may even provide language lessons or you will have to reappraise whether your future lies there . Could he freelance/contract if he spoke the lingo ? I doubt he has admitted the change of fortunes to his family and is putting on this extravaganza to prove it , to them and to an extent himself.

YANBU but I am not sure exactly how cross you are since you make a joke at the end of your OP rather than actually asking a serious AIBU question.

Would you have been happy to pay for all he has stated is happening if he had asked?

I am presuming the move to Europe was in order for you to take the job which presumably pays better or has better prospects than your former job here?

And presumably you both knew that it would be harder for your DH to get a job, given his lack of lolcal language? Whatever he said about working, you both must have realised this?

I agree that it is frustrating that he is so keen to go overboard on this trip - does his family have a completely different approach to hsopitality and guests? DP's family would spend a year's salary if that's what it took to achieve the 'right' level of hospitality (hard to guage unless v v familiar with the culture) and would never stint on money for any family member, no matter how much. It is a completely differnt attitude to money - and 'what's mine is theirs' applies as much to wider family members as between husband and wife.

I don't think you should spend all that money, but you do sound very 'mine, mine, mine' and quite begrudging.

I know the months salary is a significant proportion of your income, but can you actually afford it, or not?

He shouldn't be racking up cc bills without you knowing.

I would never expect grandparent-age guests to sleep on a camping mattress.

He took out several credit cards that you've only just found out about.

He's refusing the even attempt to learn the language, so his work prospects are limited for the foreseeable future.

You've paid for BIL to get married and go to uni.

And now all this?

This guy is taking you for a ride.

Bloody hell. I'd be making clear that your contribution was the flight, no more money to be spent on the visit

I'd just point blank refuse to pay for anything, Change bank accounts if you must, pssword protect it, don't pay a penny more than the bills and that's it.

When H gets this amazing job he's going to get then he can start by paying you back for the monies he has wasted so far.

Ex was like this, he paid for everything using my money, and regularly sent my money 'back home', I like an idiot accepted it as part and parcel of being married to the arsehole, now we're divorced he's suddenly stopped sending wodges of cash home to his beloved parents despite earning a decent salary.

Is your husband from the indian subcontinent perchance?

I don't agree with having 'my money' and 'his money'- if you're married, then all money should be shared. However, you should also share the decision making about how to spend it. When the visit was first planned, did you discuss cost? Have you made it clear that you're not happy to spend so much?

It sounds to me not that he's taking the piss, more that you're just not communicating very well with each other about your financial priorities. What would happen if you sat down and worked out a budget together?

I'd still refuse to pay.

A months salary means that the OP will need to find the months salary to pay these bills off, if you don't have significant savings then that will leave you pretty much counting pennies the month the bills are cleared!

"He doesn't have access to my bank account, by the way. He does however have several credit cards (didn't find out about those till last week) and has been using them left and right."

So he's basically stealing from you?

Why not just get shot of him?

How did he expect to pay of the cc's ? Is that something you've done before when he has overspent ?

If you're both IT contractors working in banking or similar, then I'd expect you both to have a good cushion of savings. If not, I'd concentrate on that - you're earning more because you've no employee benefits. Not having savings and spending beyond his means on credit cards gives me real concerns about your H. Has he got away with reckless spending in the past because of having a good income?

I agree with others that he's being ridiculous but you're letting him. Your post sounds like a rant, but you accept it all as a fait a complit. That's up to you, surely?

my dh would (and does) do this in a heartbeat for my parents. It means the world to me that he is so good to them.
FWIW I do not reciprocate the kindness to his
In your situation I would probably sell your H into slavery but leave the parents at home (eating beans on toast) as he is insisting on all this luxury for them by the sounds of it. I think you should rein in as much of the spending when they're here (set a budget) and be as graceful as you can. Hopefully they will appreciate everything. I can kind of understand your H wanting to show off.

YANBU

You know this will spiral, don't you? It will end up being a lot more than a month's salary.

He has no business playing the part of Lord Bountiful with your money. Yes you are married, yes, in theory it should be joint, but he is not contributing and big purchases should always be discussed and agreed. And we aren't talking about improving your house or buying a car. We're talking about pissing it up the wall so he can look like the big man.

I'm not sure I could get passed the deceit - getting the credit cards is a big deal.

Personally, I would get legal advice. You need to protect yourself.

Just to be clear- what I mean is that it sounds like you are both high earners, or both have the capacity to be, so him being skint and spending on credit cards is more concerning than it would be if you had jobs paying average wage. It also means that him planning to spend a month's income is a large amount of money, 10-20k?

Are they African, by any chance?