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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that I/we are being pushed out?

382 replies

HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 17:35

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

OP posts:
GenuineBrunetteRoots · 11/06/2013 09:36

I agree with 2Rebecca; showing your friends the letter may not be the best idea. Also if your Wendy is as she seems, she may well try to plant the idea into your friends' heads that you wrote the letter yourself!

minouminou · 11/06/2013 10:03

OP still has the envelope. If she can find out roughly what time it was sent and from where, she could prove that it couldn't have been her.

pictish · 11/06/2013 10:09

I think you should show your friend the letter, but bear in mind that Wendy will use anything to her advantage that may discredit you.
Whoever said that she may try to plant the idea that you wrote it yourself, to make trouble, is right. She might well.
It seems extreme, but these women are driven. If she's gone to the actual bother of penning poison already, she will do whatever it takes to make that work for her benefit.
Be careful how you do this. I think you're dealing with a real snake.

pictish · 11/06/2013 10:15

She will also go to great pains to conceal her guilt. She will absolutely deny and refute being the sender of that letter.
In fact, she will have it that you've got it in for her - so tread carefully.
Do not implicate her when showing your friend the letter.
Keep the lack of invite and the letter seperate. Let people make their own connection.
You must behave impeccably here.

That's the mistake I made, as was I young, empassioned and hot headed.

Softly softly catchy monkey....

WinkyWinkola · 11/06/2013 10:28

Pictish is right. You can alert people without having to say anything bad about anyone. Keep the moral high ground.

Meanwhile, let her machinations go over your head. Keep strong connections with your friends without involving this Wendy.

It's turning into a chapter from St. Clare's!

minouminou · 11/06/2013 10:30

Yep! Don't even mention the invite.
Give this bloody cow a vacuum- no communication, no airtime....see what she fills it with.
This is another way I dealt with my Wendon!

Gunznroses · 11/06/2013 10:44

What do you do if "Wendy" is your sister or mother ?

WinkyWinkola · 11/06/2013 10:47

You tell your sister or your mother nothing about your life. Keep them as separate as possible from your friends.

sleeton · 11/06/2013 11:15

It was only when I read this thread that I realised that I am not the steadily disappearing woman, whose friends can no longer see her ... in fact, I too have a Wendy in my life!

So obvious now that this thread has pointed it out to me! I feel much better now!! Smile

GenuineBrunetteRoots · 11/06/2013 11:16

Sorry to hear you are being wendied, Sleeton.

It's a horrible feeling to be pushed out but it's always a bit of a revelation when you realise it's not you and that you have a Wendy!

bunnybing · 11/06/2013 11:28

Reading this is rather sinister!

Am now thinking how the OP could fingerprint the anonymous note and get fingerprints from the Wendy...

Biscuitsareme · 11/06/2013 11:54

I had a Wendy years ago at work. She's left now. She posed as my friend and managed to make me paranoid and doubting my professional abilities because -I found out later- she had been undermining me to my colleagues. I understand why she did it though: professional jealousy in a male dominated environment in which we two were the only young-ish women.

As for the situation OP and others describe: I'm Shock. Didn't know this existed outside family [but that's another thread] and among grown up women when there is nothing like work-related pay off involved. Sounds like immature and bitchy playground tactics to me... Sad Life's too short.

Seriously though, that anonymous letter smacks of deranged rather than just malicious.

2rebecca · 11/06/2013 13:11

Feeling sorry for people called Wendy! Who decided Wendy was a name for a manipulative woman? The only Wendy I know is lovely.
The only advantage of discussing the letter would be in case other friends have got one and are keeping quiet about them.
I'd tell the good friend you are upset about being excluded though, that's the sort of thing you discuss with friends, not to do so would be odd.

2rebecca · 11/06/2013 13:13

I wouldn't blame the incomer for the letter though, that starts to look paranoid

Mmmnotsure · 11/06/2013 13:31

This is a horrible situation for you, OP.

The longer you leave it, the more you lose influence and Wendy gains power. (And I have no problem calling her Wendy, btw, given what a woman who is actually called Wendy has done to our family in rl!)

At the moment the group know you better than they do her. But people are fickle, and busy, and don't always see beyond their immediate concerns. So if you allow yourself to be sidelined, and not get involved with the others so much, they may assume that that is what you prefer/just how things go/etc.

Re the letter. You will need to play it very carefully if you show your friend. I know you haven't shown her yet, so as not to upset her, but if you showed her and emphasised how there is not truth in it, how much you like her, etc, and don't try to infer who you think sent it, you should be safe. Be open, honest and kind, and leave it to the others to start to make connections.

The problem if you don't show the letter is that, especially as it's printed, it would be so easy for Wendy (if she is the sender) to send herself one, just like yours, talking about anyone in your friendship group. She could do just what people on here are suggesting - mention it to other friends, and 'wonder' who sent it. Then it's too late. If you come out with your own letter after that, you can easily be made to look like the suspicious one.

I would show it to your friend and emphasise how much you care about her and value her friendship, and perhaps together you can decide to do what Inertia suggested and then contact the others to see if there are any other letters out there. That way you make contact with your own friend, and have her as part of your team (which I suspect would be how Wendy would see it - what is wrong with these people?) before widening it out to the group.

Sorry for long post. Good luck.

YourHandInMyHand · 11/06/2013 13:34

Wow I have never heard of these Wendy people before. Shock

OP I would meet up with your close friend, and talk to her honestly.
However I wouldn't suggest the letter is from Wendy, I would simply present them factually as two separate issues.

I agree ask Wendy in front of others if you have offended her, and that someone mentioned event and was surprised and embarrassed you knew nothing about it.

Oh and I would definitely approach her old crowd and see what they say.

YourHandInMyHand · 11/06/2013 13:36

I wonder if your close friend has had a similar letter about you and also not told you in case it upset you......

captainBeaky · 11/06/2013 17:18

This could be me :(

primallass · 11/06/2013 17:21

I am being a bit Wendied too at the mo. It is happening to my child too Sad I even called her a cunt to my OH last night Blush have been reading too much Mumsnet

Loads of luck OP, we are rooting for you. Kick that Wendy to the kerb.

maddening · 11/06/2013 21:06

Ooo I like inertia's plan!

nowwearefour · 11/06/2013 22:07

I was in a meeting with someone called Wendy today. I needed to suppress a smile and to fight against an instinct to instantly dislike her!

MimiSunshine · 11/06/2013 22:13

Flibber I felt really sad after reading your post. Don't let her do that to you.
You may be too shy to confront her, and after all what can you say? But you aren't so shy that you're reclusive otherwise you'd never have gone to the baby groups in the first place.

So... Deep breath, pick up the phone and call 2 of the other mums (not the whole lot just 2) and arrange to meet up, tell them you feel like you haven't see them in ages and do they fancy a catch up. Build it up from there.

Just take back control, think to yourself, "so what there is now a fb group I don't have to use it to organise my social life"
I don't anyone will ask, but if they do just be honest and say you don't always feel included so thought you'd go back to good old fashioned phone calls

pictish · 11/06/2013 22:14

Aw it's a shame for all those lovely Wendys out there.

It was simply down to the fact that there was a big thread aboout this once, and it started "So...I have this 'friend' - I'll call her Wendy, and...."

And it stuck. We started talking about being 'Wendied' and so on. It became a bit of an MN meme.

Fairydogmother · 11/06/2013 22:20

Wow I've read this thread with an open mouth.

Mainly because I've just twigged of 2 Wendy's in my life! Well one has gone now as I booted her to the kerb but the other is def my mom!

OP I've nothing to add by way of advice other than to heed the comments already made and nail this sucker! Can't wait to hear Grin

ProphetOfDoom · 11/06/2013 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.