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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I/we are being pushed out?

382 replies

HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 17:35

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

OP posts:
Oscalito · 12/06/2013 01:30

Think it's a good point that if you don't mention the letter she may do worse, or send one about you - the letter could almost be a 'test' to see how open you are with your friends. The letter writer is introducing doubt and secrets into the friendship group, in much the same ways as the 'exclusive' texts and party invites.

Effing infantile though! Why doesn't she just take up a night class or something?

I think you do need to talk to your friend. You can say you delayed because you didn't know how to handle it, which shows consideration anyway, but you've realised you just need to talk to her face to face. Agree with others that I wouldn't say who you think its from, just that it's appeared, you know it's not true and you wanted her to know.

Good luck. She's definitely overdoing it though, and in danger of making a complete twit of herself, so I think you can see her off just by acting like a normal, sane adult.

AlfalfaMum · 12/06/2013 01:46

Agree you need to tell about the letter, tell your closest friend if not your whole group of friends.

A jealous 'friend' attempted to Wendy me in the past, it felt horrid. I've since stopped all contact (she was a crappy friend in other ways too although it took me years to wake up to it) , but she's still in touch with all my family on Facebook which makes me uncomfortable.

garlicgrump · 12/06/2013 02:39

I'm dying to hear how this plays out. Yes, I'm another Wendy survivor and permanently lost the long-term friends I introduced to her. Your Wendy, Harry, has massively overplayed her hand with the poison letter. Of course, you mustn't imply that you know who wrote it. But if you take all of Where's steps (20:13 post) close together, you're giving your pal a good chance to figure it out.

Don't be overly surprised if someone gets a letter about Wendy. These people really are insane enough to send poison letters about themselves, if it's meant to strengthen the bond between them and their new best friend target.

garlicgrump · 12/06/2013 02:43

Oh, and I would just bloody go to her barbecue. Not only that, but blank her as far as possible while you're there!

CouthyMow · 12/06/2013 03:11

I have a Wendy. She has succeeded in removing me from my entire social circle.

These were people I had known and been friends with for 12+ years, in some cases, and a minimum of 9 years.

Only thing is - I CAN'T call 'my' Wendy on it - because 'my' Wendy is my DS1's SM.

She has LITERALLY stolen my life!

First she had an affair with DS1's dad, and then she slowly but surely has ousted me from not just ONE of my circles of friends, but FOUR different circles I moved in.

Every time she realises I have moved on and made a new group of friends, she moves in. First I see her talking to them, then they start to spend less time with me and more time with her, and then they just drop me like a stone.

It's getting beyond a joke, this is even happening with friends I made long after I split with DS1's dad.

If I could move area, I would. However, I can't, because DS1's dad refuses to relax the PSO that keeps me on this estate. So I will have another seven years of this shit.

It's impossible to call a Wendy on their behaviour when 'your' Wendy is your DS's SM, because your own child will be badly affected by it.

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

CouthyMow · 12/06/2013 03:17

I'm slowly trying to build new friendships, but without her seeing - which is very difficult as despite meeting my (very) new friends at a Primary school with 420+ pupils, it is a very close-knit school, everyone knows everyone, and it's hard for me to make friends without being seen.

It's set to get worse again soon, as DS1 will be restarting contact with her when he starts going to his dad's house again after a year of just seeing him on his own for a couple of hours here and there.

So I fully expect it up kick up a notch very soon...

garlicgrump · 12/06/2013 03:29

Couthy, what a nightmare!

Is there any chance you could re-start with the first group she pinched? Has she more or less neglected them now?

kickassangel · 12/06/2013 04:38

Ok,so.
If you call her out, do it between the 2 of you, then she can't twist it in front of others. If you can, just privately say, stop being a bitch and trying to cut me out. Try telling my friends I said this and they'll think you're psycho. Move on, bitch, you lost.

Call her publicly but nicely on the times she leaves you out, e.g. Send a message to her wall asking what drinks to bring as everyone is invited. Then she either publicly has to uninvite you, or let you go.

Tell your friend,very quietly and sympathetically, about the letter and. Be the person to listen to her as she will be worried about it, and tell her that you are worried in case any other letters have been sent to split up the group.

Def have a word with her previous group. If they ousted her, then they are strong enough to back you up and may even help you out.

Why you? Prob as you introduced her. You saw her alone & vulnerable, therefore you have to go.

BellaVita · 12/06/2013 06:41

Thanks for you Harry.

I really feel for you Sad.

aladdinsane · 12/06/2013 06:54

what a horrible situation OP
I didnt realise how many horrible,manipulative people were about
Hope you get rid of her

ratbagcatbag · 12/06/2013 07:32

That's awful couthy. :( I'm a step mum but my best friend is my DSS mum, However I suppose in the early days I could have been termed living her life, with her ex, and their group of joint friends. I didn't say anything negative about her though,I'm just loud and chatty, whereas she's more quiet.

We do laugh now though that an issues we ring each other first.

Please update op.

captainBeaky · 12/06/2013 07:48

I really feel for you op. I'm going through a very similar thing and it hurts like hell. Bastards!

primallass · 12/06/2013 08:11

The original Wendy thread seems to have disappeared. I would have liked to read it.

Hullygully · 12/06/2013 08:20

Couthy!

Bastard.

beachyhead · 12/06/2013 08:36

That's horrendous Couthy...having to have secret friends so Wendy doesn't steal them...

auntmargaret · 12/06/2013 10:28

Hi OP, have just read whole thread and these are my thoughts.
Re the letter, show your friend. I cannot imagine getting a letter like that about one of my friends and not showing them. Knowledge is power. If someone out in the world had such ill will to me,I'd want to know. It might have been Wendy, it might not. If it was her, I'd fully expect her to come forward with her own letter about someone, claiming she got one too. But then she will know that the smoke and mirrors won't work, that you will bring things out into the open. Result- she loses power.

I also agree with calling her on the drinks party, in a very tongue in cheek way. There is no way she could then exclude you without looking like the bad guy, and we know that's not how she works.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I may know a Wendy myself. She is someone I work with, though not in same office. We were at a works thing, and she went on at length about how she had no social life. I told her I'd invite her out with my friends next time we were going. When I thought back about our conversation the next day, some of what she said grated on me. She kept saying how lucky I was to have met DP (like about 20 times) Each time I laughed and said I thought he was the lucky one, only for her to say it again. Next time I was arranging a night out, I had a really strong feeling that I shouldn't ask her, don't know why, but based on other things she said since, I think I dodged a bullet.

Good luck, OP, hope it goes well with your friend today.

KittensoftPuppydog · 12/06/2013 10:55

The thing about these women is that they seem to target people who are more straightforward than themselves and can't act in a duplicitous way, and that's what you need to do to counter them. It's very difficult to win because they are so good about what they do.
Watching with interest.

freddiefrog · 12/06/2013 12:01

I wouldn't be sure that some of your friends haven't clocked it, especially the ones who know you haven't been invited to her party

We have a Wendy, one of my other friends introduced her and she's worked pretty hard to exclude our friend, but we can see it and she's not getting very far.

She was very lovely to start with, then the excluding and back stabbing started.

She's proving quite hard to get rid of. She's got far more front than any of the rest of us put together If she's not invited to something she rocks up anyway, several times she's invited all of us, except friend, to various parties, pub trips, etc and although, usually we all decline, we all make sure the excluded friend knows about it/is bought along with one of us - Wendy has front, but would never make what she's up to obvious by calling us out for inviting/bringing friend

We all know what she's up to, she just hasn't realised that yet

ViviPru · 12/06/2013 12:06

I love that the term "Wendy" has been resurrected (although not in happy circumstances - crummy for you OP :( )

CelticPixie · 12/06/2013 13:06

I'm dying to know what's happened too OP

I wonder if I've just been very lucky in not meeting one of these women? I prefer to a wide circle of friends rather than just one close knot group, maybe that's the reason?

Petal02 · 12/06/2013 14:08

Harry please come back and update us?

nauticant · 12/06/2013 14:14

There's a fair bit of advice on here about how the OP can cleverly do this that or the other to outmanoeuver the Wendy.

In my view, this is a bad idea because in situations like this it can often be very difficult to predict how things will play. In adddition, as KittensoftPuppydog wrote:

It's very difficult to win because they are so good about what they do.

I think the OP should play to her strengths by being straightforward, keep the issues of being Wendied and the anonymous letter completely and absolutely separate, and go ahead on one of them. My preference would be the letter.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 12/06/2013 16:12

Thought I would update on this sorry saga. Saw my friend at lunchtime and showed her the letter. I told her that I knew it was a load of crap and that the purpose of me showing it to her was not to upset her but to give her a heads up. She was stotally horrified but believed that I was showing her for the right reasons. I didn't mention the party on Friday at all, she brought it up herself and said that they had decided not to go as she felt it was unfair that we hadn't been invited so I feel a small victory there.

I also 'accidentally' ran into one of Wendy's ex friends and casually asked if they still saw each other. Her reply was that Wendy is 'a poisonous bitch' and hell would freeze over before she would have anything to do with her. She didn't want to elaborate and had to run bit now i want t know more so may have to track her down again.

I've also arranged a meal out next week and haven't invited Wendy. None of the other women have asked me why not. So what now?

OP posts:
garlicgrump · 12/06/2013 16:17

I'd say carry on the way you are :) Well done!

minouminou · 12/06/2013 16:19

High-fives Harry!!!!
Realises hand is now covered in mucous!

Great guns, there, HS!!!

OK - for now, do nothing. It looks like your chums are behind you, especially if your close friend brought up the party herself, rather than you.

The ex-friend of Wendy's response was no surprise. What you need to do there is to start bringing one or two of this gang into your milieu, without making a song and dance about it.