to think that I/we are being pushed out?

[HarrySnotter]

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

A bit late to this but, 'Wendy' targeted you as she sees YOU as Queen Bee, this is because you brought her info the group. Women like this don't seem to understand that friendship groups can expand, they see it as 1 in 1 out.
Therefore the Queen is dead, long live the Queen: there's an usurper on the throne.Doesn't matter whether you think youre Queen Bee or not.

Don't start bidding for your friends time and affection with alternate plans. Bring it all out into the open, they operate most successfully when it's secret and the group are unaware.

So send her a public fb post (only so its evidenced rather than f2f etc) and say something like "Oy you cowbag, did our invite get lost in the post (smiley face), I hope we're not on the B list (sob sob)?"Make it very clearly lighthearted but she 'll have to respond and everyone will see it.
Then show your friend the letter but make no suggestion of who it could be from, just say you hope it's no one you all know as its trying to suggest its from a mutual friend.

I'm coming to this late but from what you've said I think you can outplay Wendy. After all, you have the most stonking advantage that she doesn't. The group knows you. They know you're straightforward, laid back etc and not the type to be bitchy/underhand etc so when you start fighting back little miss Wendy's poisonous nuggets will be greeted with derision and skepticism.
I would suggest firstly, recreate the anonymous note. I'm sure you probably remember it pretty much word for word anyway. Make sure it's on the same type of paper and put it in the envelope. Then organise a coffee with the friend it refers to and show her. Don't say you re-created it, just tell her you received it and were worried about what to do with it but have taken independent advice and want to make her aware.
As other people have suggested up thread, try and get information from Wendy's ex friends, but make sure there's no audit trail.
After you've gathered some intell, or even if you haven't, the next time you're in the group with Wendy say something along the lines of "oh Wendy, you'll never guess who I ran into recently". When she says who, name drop and watch the reaction. She'll either be OTT or try and pretend she doesn't know who you mean. You then say something like "oh, that's interesting. X's impression/memories/opinion of you are rather.......vivid. Said with a big smile and a head tilt.

Harry, it wouldn't surprise me if other members of your friendship group have also received letters or similar.
Next time you are in her company mention a particular phrase from the letter, casually, and see what kind of reaction you get.

Good luck OP - I hope you get it sorted. Let us know how it goes.

Yes, contact her old pals and find out how they exorcised her.

Wendys are so because they need to be popular, Queen Bee and cannot miss out on any occasion. They crave attention.

Solid, reliable and established friendships threaten them. It's a real coup and a comment on how marvellous they are if old friends drop each other for the Wendy.

Wendys are very popular because they are only vile and cunning with the people they hope/need to eliminate.

They have to be utterly charming and ever so helpful and empathetic with everyone else in order to achieve this.

They also manage the double whammy of making their target look crackers because nobody else sees their manipulations.

I've just withdrawn totally now. I hope to find a new circle of friends soon. I'm chipper though. I've just learned a lot from my first (and hopefully only) Wendy and so will be wiser next time around.

Yes do update sometime please.
I like to see these horrible people sent on their way.

I know my Wendy has similarly-ish spread her shit around one or two others since. These were people I went to school with, so I never lost touch entirely...much to her annoyance. People cheer if I very rarely turn up. It absolutely infuriates her.

But for the most part I stay well away. I cannot be around her. She is a nasty piece of work to be sure.

Have just caught up; anonymous letter - wow. It does look to me as if this Wendy is moving too much too fast, and this does give you more opportunity to counter her attack. (Ye gods, I am actually seeing this in military terms .)

What I would do if it were me:

1. Show your friend the letter ASAP. Tell her your first reaction was to not show her it because you didn't want her to be upset by it as it had made you feel contaminated just to see it; but on reflection you realised that she needed to know so that she could be on her guard, because someone willing to write anonymous letters to her friends might be willing to do worse. Wonder out loud why someone would want you to think ill of her; can she think of anyone who would want to isolate her from her friends? Suggest that maybe you should, together, ask other friends if they had received anything similar? (I do think it is possible she may have received a similar letter about you.) Wendy will not expect this.

1. Do ask Wendy in front of your friends (and definitely in front of the subject of the letter) "I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster. Again, Wendy will not expect this. And your friend may put the two incidents together and start to see Wendy for who she is. If you've already asked around about anonymous letters, maybe others will join the dots too.

1. You said that you "see her old group of friends in passing a few times a week but I don't really know them." and that "There is one member of her old group who seems like a really nice down to earth woman". At the first (in passing) opportunity, I would approach her and open a conversation with something along the lines of "This might seem like a strange request, but could I just ask you about something? Wendy. You all used to be friends, weren't you? Did she just drift apart, or was there a falling out?" With a bit of luck she'll know exactly what you are on about and will be annoyed enough that Wendy is up to her old tricks that she'll spill the beans.

It's a rotten situation to be in, OP, but you don't have to feel powerless against this woman. Wendys all seem to operate in the same sociopathic way. IMO they count on their victims being too polite/confused/embarrassed to take any action in the early stages of their campaign. So they struggle to maintain the attack when their victim does just that.

Harry I don't think you are weak just too kind! I don't know why but I am incredibly angry for you. I hate any form of injustice and this is one of them!

Keep your friends. You deserve your friends. Speak to them.

I don't think you are 'laid back', if you were, why would any of this matter? Ignore it all, the letter, comments etc. Who cares, that's what you must surely think. She is not important enough.

Auntie intell

I like both yours and Where's suggestions. Be proactive OP! You can see what's happening, so start cutting it off at the knees before rumours and bitching rip you all apart. Definitely tell your friend about the letter - wouldn't you want to know? - and I especially like the passive aggressive "have we offended you?" head titly smiley question in front of everyone. I'd like to see how she maneuvers herself out of that without showing her true colours!

WhoDat, I know.

Oh god, I had a situation like this. A compulsive excluder - not only would you not be invited to stuff, you would always find out you hadn't been invited because it would be mentioned in front of you, and you'd never be told why you weren't invited, just left to wonder what you'd done...

I moved away so there was never any showdown, but I remember how it felt, very crappy.

Wrt the drinks part I would say nothing, don't give it any of oxygen. Just plan something nice that night and enjoy waking up without a hangover.

If she's doing things like posting on fb about texts she's sent then she's being childish, you've worked out what's going on - and chances are she's jealous - just ignore, ignore, ignore, don't invite her to things in future and keep up with your mates. She'll move on, I'm sure. She's only been around a short while and really isn't that powerful if you refuse to play the game.

Oh hang on, scrolling back and read that there's been a letter. I may need to rethink my advice....

I'm not an experienced Wendy-wrangler, but I think the letter could be your lever here. I would send a group text / email round to the friendship group, including Wendy, saying that you are sorry if it worries anybody but you've received a really unpleasant anonymous letter, you're considering whether to go to the police with it, but first you wanted to check whether anyone else had had similar or whether it's someone targeting you specifically.

It could be that they've all had a letter but nobody wants to rock the boat by saying anything.

I'd leave off mentioning the party for a few days and see whether anyone else had a letter ( you'd need to be prepared for all the others to be about you).

Inertia that's a great idea.

When I confessed to my friends that I felt slightly bullied lately, and pushed out by the new woman I had brought to the group, suddenly my Wendy had a big problem that she didn't feel quite comfortable talking to me about. She cried a lot to my best friend who couldn't tell me what it was about of course, not that I would ask, it was just that Wendy really needed everyone (except me) right now. You can't argue with that! I suspected it was all lies but I couldn't say so. And I felt guilty for thinking she was making it up, was I being a bitch?
I gave up and let her have them.
The thing is I know her attention is really flattering. She is so delightful! But she is a competitive manipulator, and with strange ideas about relationships between friends. I was in a battle and I didn't have a clue.

The thing is I know her attention is really flattering. She is so delightful! But she is a competitive manipulator, and with strange ideas about relationships between friends. I was in a battle and I didn't have a clue.

Yeah same here.

Been reading this with interest. I went through something similar at school (a l-o-n-g time ago) and it affected me profoundly. My friends eventually saw the light, I was reintegrated into the group and the Wendy went elsewhere to spread her poison but it was never the same. Life is hard enough at times without women like this.

I really hope you manage to spoil her plans. Will watch with interest and cheer you on. Good luck!

I've read this thread with my jaw on the ground as it is exactly the problem I'm having, and it's horrible.

My DC is 11 months old and I am quite a shy person who finds it hard to make friends. I met one woman on my antenatal course who seemed very nice and our DC were born within days of each other.

I made a real effort to go to lots of groups in the first few months of having my DC and met quite a nice group of Mums. This other woman never went to anything.

I started to arrange a weekly get together for all the Mums I had met in a local cafe, where we would have coffee, cake and a walk. Before long we were seeing each other a couple of times a week. Then I made the mistake of introducing my antenatal friend to the group. She is a Wendy.

She has done things like set up a "Mummy Friends" group on Facebook but forgot to invite me (somebody else did), texted to rearrange a meeting place but forgot to tell me so I was sat by myself, purposely tries to engineer activities when I'm not available and has become real Queen Bee.

I feel going to all those baby groups was a waste of time, I've not got really any Mummy friends who aren't under her spell and I'm too shy to confront her.

I feel lonely and miserable, don't let your Wendy push you out.

Oscalito is right; not only do Wendys not invite you to things, they also make damn sure you find out that they have all met up without you!

I think Wendys must have very warped minds! I cannot imagine having the inclination or time to decide to ostracise someone, engineer meet ups without them, make up lies to get the attention of the group, flatter the members of the group I want to get 'on side' etc.

Seems that there are plenty of Wendys around though!

There are Wendys in many groups to varying degrees from the slightly manipulative to the venomous types. Life would be so much more enjoyable without the latter. And thank goodness they are in the minority as can be soul destroying for their victims. It is a form of bullying and is the most insidious type.

She didn't succeed with her former group of friends so there is hope she will not with yours. < wondering how she she failed with the ex group>

Well i hope to God OP has actually done something before she posts back. This is beginning to sound like one of those threads where the poster has been given loads of good advice but the OP keeps saying "But...But..But!

The letter is bonkers. Definitely share it with your friend. Secret keeping will drive a wedge between you.

I'm not sure I'd share it with the friend as it will only upset her that someone has written an anonymous letter about her. I would however discuss with your close friend the fact that you feel the new woman is trying to exclude you and use the not getting a party invite as an example.
I'd try and arrange to meet up with your close friend plus maybe one or two of your other friends and not invite the other woman.
I would ask her next time you are all together why she didn't invite you.
If she can get your friends to exclude you from stuff then they weren't really friends anyway. I'd keep chatting to them and arranging things with them and omit this woman. They can invite her if they wish.

FlibberFlobber, go back to the groups or new groups and make new friends.

Also keep up with your friends that you worked so hard to make. Do not say a bad word about your Wendy - you may find your friends have made up their own mind in a similar way to you.

She doesn't host or arrange every event, does she?

Sympathies. I've lost friends too because of this competitive Queen Bee bullshit.