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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I/we are being pushed out?

382 replies

HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 17:35

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 22:01

I introduced her to the group Celtic.

There is one member of her old group who seems like a really nice down to earth woman, would it be too weird to message her?

OP posts:
KatyTheCleaningLady · 10/06/2013 22:01

I think talking to your closest friend is the way to go. Don't go posting drama on FB, and don't mention the party to Wendy.... the fact is, etiquette demands that you not try to invite yourself. You're going to have to let that go.

The way to deal with this is to talk to your friend in a direct way. Tell her exactly what you told us: that you worried you were being paranoid, that you feel a bit silly about it, but that there are some things going on that are making you go Hmm.

I do think you should probably show her the letter. Now, you don't know that "Wendy" wrote it, so don't push the idea that she did. Just say that you feel suspicious that she did, in light of other things going on. I think you want to avoid any appearance of being a drama-queen manipulator, yourself.

There is a chance that she did NOT write the letter. There could be yet another bitch out there making trouble. But, I think the odds are good that she did.

Play this one close to the vest. Talk to your friends quietly, and avoid drama. Because this bunny boiler sounds like drama is her specialty.

CelticPixie · 10/06/2013 22:03

Definitely not. I'd message her and ask her what happened between their group and "Wendy"?

What a fucking cow though! You kindly introduce her to your group of friends and she treats you like this. I can't believe that grown adults can be so pathetically childish.

minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:03

They're just deeply unhappy and feel powerless, as if they don't really exist.
My male Wendy used to steal things from friends' houses. Tiny, valueless, ostensibly pointless objects....unused notebooks, shampoo samples and things like that.
I said to someone about this behaviour, that he was trying to take souvenirs or trophies of other people's happy homes and lives.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 10/06/2013 22:03

Don't message the woman from the old group. TALK to her. Texting is not the medium for such sensitive issues.

If you talk to her, you can sort of gingerly ask her what went wrong with Wendy. Let there be a hint of the fact that you've got reasons for asking... and then this woman can decide if she wants to talk about it or not.

But, I think a phone conversation is the way to go so that you can gauge the tone of voice to know how she's perceiving your inquiry.

pictish · 10/06/2013 22:03

I can't understand what these Wendies (Wendys??) get out of this!! What is their pay-off?? Wouldn't life be easier for them just to be nice and kind to EVERYONE?? They would still be part of the friendship group without the effort of ousting someone.

I have a theory, but it's only that...a theory. I think they are so deeply insecure within themselves, that they can only draw worth from something if they triumph over someone else to get it. Then they are 'better'. They have 'won'.

I think mine initially saw me as being interesting and popular with fun, cool friends. I liked her too, and willingly brought her in, thinking she would be a great addition to our group. She was at a loose end at that point in her life. I thought I was doing a Good Thing.

I wasn't prepared for all the hassle at all, much less looking for it, so by the time she became blatant, everyone was singing from her hymn sheet. I did look paranoid and jealous and petty and there's no question at all that it affected my mental health badly - I felt so utterly powerless to stop her. I hated myself...but I hated her more. I played right into her hands. Naive and immature as I was.

Aint got no time for none of that shit now though!
Get her to fuck.

minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:06

Yep. Tell her, from all of us too, to shit right off.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 22:07

The think is though Pictish she appears to have everything. Nice cars, fabulous house, seemingly happy marriage to a really nice man, lovely kids, she's really attractive too. I don't get it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 22:08

Tell her, from all of us too, to shit right off ha ha ha that sounds like a plan.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 10/06/2013 22:09

Despite the surface appearance, there's some insecurity there.

timidviper · 10/06/2013 22:09

I had a similar problem with someone doing just this but was very open to my close friends as to how upset I felt at being excluded. Rather than back down she overplayed her hand and ended up looking manipulative and vindictive. I am still friends with those friends some years on and she is not. I think being honest with your friends may be the best policy.

The ripples of our incident also meant that other friendship groups were more wary of her following it too and we did find that she had tried to muscle in on another group prior to us.

minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:10

My Wendy (or should this be Wendon?) was a very handsome gay guy. Rich family, great job, well travelled and efucated, own flat at the age of 25, etc etc. great cook, very charismatic.
But if you don't have that internal locus of control, that internal knowledge that you're ok.....well....you gotta get validation somehow.
A bit of charity work would have been more constructive, but go figure.

pictish · 10/06/2013 22:13

Mine was certainly more attractive than me. She had a career where I didn't, was a bit older and more experienced than me...
I had the mates though. The social life. She had spent her youth so far engaged to this awful, dreary, emotional fuckwit of a boy, and when she turned him loose...I gave her a ready made set up.
I did not know that she would mow me down in her haste to grab it.

Facepalmninja · 10/06/2013 22:14

You may find some ways of dealing with this Wendy by reading this book Thomas Sheridan: puzzling people the labyrinth of the psychopath
Orlistening to this inerview (will come up in google search with the book title) vimeo.com/m/63602137

I'm not saying this Wendy is a psychopath but ideas on how to deal with this woman you may find helpful.

I would speak with my partner, let him know how you feel, maybe he could sound out the other male partners within this group.

Mean time agree show your friend the letter (after speaking with dh/dp).
Publicly out her, but gently and calmly, once you have backing behind you (your dp and old friend).

Good luck op, gain rl support ((hugs))

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 22:14

I'm going to sign off now but once again, thanks for the advice. I promise I will update you on what's going on.

OP posts:
minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:15

I think you should track her down, Pictish. Find out how she's doing. I bet you'll find she's not all that happy, and maybe you can move on.

Facepalmninja · 10/06/2013 22:15

Ps agree also have a short chat with one of her old crowd too

minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:16

No worries, Harry. I shall be waiting to find out what happens.

RaspberrySchnapps · 10/06/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 10/06/2013 22:21

Aww the Wendy I know s absolutely lovely and would never do such a thing. Opi would rig anise something and not invite this person she sounds vile. Inviting who you want goes for you too, not only her

pigletmania · 10/06/2013 22:22

Organise doh

pictish · 10/06/2013 22:22

min - sadly not. I have itermittent contact with one or two from that old group, the ones who never really did anything wrong, and she is still very much a part of their lives. All jolly good chums.

I have of course moved on and moved away, and being an outgoing sort, have since made plenty of friends and had kids and got married and all that jazz...my life is good. I don't toil for social things at all...loads of pals, I have a handful of really good friends...it's all fine.

But it still sticks in my fucking craw, and I think it always will, because she got away with it.

SplitHeadGirl · 10/06/2013 22:23

Appearances can be deceiving, though, Harry. My Wendy was supersmart, top of the class (we were in uni at the time). She had Professors talking to her like she was staff, and she drove an Audi - a gift from her rich parents that impressed people! Everyone thought a lot of her. I have to say as well....she was also with a disability (she had only one arm) and I think people were reluctant to think badly of her because of this (apologies if that sounds stupid or condescending. I don't mean it to be).

I think Pictish is right in what she says...she wanted to WIN and get the better of me, and even though I looked at HER with envy (her brains), and envisioned her golden future, she might well not have seen herself that way.

minouminou · 10/06/2013 22:25

Ah, cock!
Still, you learned a massive lesson and are now helping someone else out.

(......maybe she has horrendous piles......)

pigletmania · 10/06/2013 22:25

My friend is only Wendy by name in real life she is salt of the earth, these other Wendy's are imposters

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