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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on controlled crying after just one night

117 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 15:20

My six month old has reverted to waking between 3 and 5 times a night and I am like the walking dead and need energy as he is one of three DCs. Last night my DH said that I had to try leaving him to cry it out which I couldn't bear but compromised on controlled crying instead. It was horrendous and I hated every minute of it but should I persevere, does it work? Or should I just put him in bed with me to get some sleep? Ididn't have a problem with the other two hence me being clueless Help!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/06/2013 16:39

Agree with Suzie - I did CC at a very much younger age, only took a couple of nights.

You only have to look at some of the other threads on here at the moment, with children of a much older age who still can't sleep through.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 10/06/2013 16:41

Well, putting aside the argument of whether CC is a good thing or not, your DH cannot tell you that you have to do CC OR CIO.

especially if he is not actually doing any of it. But rather sleeping through the whole thing.

ToysRLuv · 10/06/2013 16:45

DS only slept through the night reliably at 3 years old. I could never have done CC (too distressing to everyone involved and didn't feel at all like the right thing to do to a baby/very small child). Neither did we co-sleep. One of us would go into DS's room in the night when he called and fall asleep on a mattress on the mattress next to his cot for the rest of the night. DS just wanted us, which is very understandable. When DS was nearly 3 we did gradual withdrawal and it worked like a charm. Would not have worked much earlier, though.

The years of sleep-deprivation is one of the many reasons we have now pretty much decided DS will be an only. But of course, OP, you have been lucky with your first two.. I'm actually curious: Did you think that babies waking up during the night was some kind of myth, and that it actually didn't happen, when you decided to try for a 3rd? Children are inconvenient and tiring, as well as many good things - that's what you sign up for IMO.

Thurlow · 10/06/2013 16:52

Yes, if you are the one doing it, then you decide what needs to be done. If your DH is so keen on CC then he can wake up at do it.

I've done a version of CC with my then 8mo for a 4am wake, but after a week or two or going through all the possibilities. She wasn't hungry, she wasn't thirsty, she wasn't teething, she wasn't gassy, she had just got in to the habit of being cuddled and resettled by me at 4am when she used to have a feed. It worked within 3 days for us and fortunately wasn't too bad.

You have to do what feels right for you. Unfortunately there are no magic cures for night wakings, it is either because your baby needs something or because it's a habit that you decide you'd like the change, in which case that takes some work. Sorry you are so tired though and your DH isn't helping, hope it gets better soon.

On a side note, I'm always entertained by the idea that suddenly co-sleeping with a 6 or 8mo will make everything better. That's nothing against co-sleeping in general - if it works for a family than that's fab. But if you've not co-slept before, getting a wriggly 6mo who isn't used to sleeping in a bed with their parents to sleep with parents who aren't used to having a wriggly 6mo in their bed just sounds like a recipe for disaster! The odd nights I have had DD in with us I have had the worst sleep of my life. I get the impression it's something you generally have to do from the start in order for everyone to feel comfortable with it and for people to sleep well.

bumbleymummy · 10/06/2013 16:55

Ragwort - you know that it's not recommended for young babies don't you?

No, I don't think that CC/CIO is less cruel than sleep deprivation. In any case it's not a case of one or the other. There are other options eg co-sleeping that can ensure a good night of sleep for ecery

bumbleymummy · 10/06/2013 16:57

Ragwort - you know that it's not recommended for young babies don't you?

No, I don't think that CC/CIO is less cruel than sleep deprivation. In any case it's not a case of one or the other. There are other options eg co-sleeping that can ensure a good night of sleep for everyone.

I also don't think you can say that not using CC results in children who d

bumbleymummy · 10/06/2013 17:00

Stupid phone!

I also don't think you can say that not using CC results in children who don't sleep through. Children are all different and go through various stages that may involve some sleep regression at some point.

Sunnymeg · 10/06/2013 17:01

YANBU a friend did cc with DS about the same age. He developed a hernia as a result of all the crying. The doctor was very unimpressed when he found out what had caused it

FobblyWoof · 10/06/2013 17:05

It's not reccomended for babies under six months but I've found better results when they're a year plus. So no, I don't think YABU for wanting to give up. If it's not something you're comfortable with then don't do.

That being said, if there is nothing else going with baby (teething, growth spurt etc) then it can work quite well. The only problem with babies that young is there is little way of knowing what's wrong (hence why I find after a year easier)

invicta · 10/06/2013 17:07

I did with my eldest son at that age, and it saved my sanity. I literally hadn't had a decent night 's sleep for 6 months.

It can take a few days, so I think it is worth preserver ing.

mummymeister · 10/06/2013 17:14

how can so many mums write on here that controlled crying is cruel yet co-sleeping is OK? really? doesn't it say in all the advice don't do co sleep if you are absolutely exhausted as the OP is or am I missing something here.

curryeater · 10/06/2013 17:26

I don't think you should have started it if not able to commit, but it's too late for that now.
the reason why I say that is that CC is unpleasant in the short term and although I do not think it is wrong, I think it is not a good idea to put you or the baby through that unless you are leading somewhere with it - ie the unpleasantness is taking your baby towards the gift of confident self-settling and lovely nights' sleep. Otherwise, it was just a random horrible night when the baby cried and no one picked him up.

I didn't attempt it at 6 mo but yes, I was the walking dead in those days - worst possible age for exhaustion imo, they feed in the night but are alert and demanding in the day - and heavy - and it feels as if it has been going on for Ages and will for ever. Don't blame you for trying.

IF dh is so confident, make him do it.

If he won't, or if you both decide to drop it, do NOT attempt it again until you are prepared to have the grit to see it through (at least 2 or 3 nights; I wouldn't think you could say it is not working before then, I have never had to do it longer than that, some people say give it a week)

If you do decide to try again, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it, if you are doing it properly and going in and out at timed intervals etc (not CIO)

thebody · 10/06/2013 17:37

Controlled crying literally saved my sanity.

Did it with ds 1 and dd 4 and it took around 3 days.

Result was a happy rested mummy and a happy rested child.

Fantastic.

If you give up you arnt at the end of your tether. You need to be resolute and consistent.

On and for all the doom mungers out there dd1 is a healthy 23 and dd4 a happy 12 year old. Not psychologically damaged at all.

Melpomene · 10/06/2013 17:38

YANBU. One of my biggest parenting regrets is doing controlled crying with dd1 when she was about that age. (She's now ten years old and I still regret it.) We foolishly believed the health visitor who promised us that controlled crying 'always works'. We persisted for about two weeks of misery, and it didn't work at all.

Co sleeping let us all have a much better night's sleep once we realised the controlled crying was going nowhere.

thebody · 10/06/2013 17:52

Sunnymeg, controlled crying would not cause a hernia!

That's uncontrolled crying which is cruel.

Two totally different things.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 18:02

Oh really Toys, I didn't realise there would be work involved! How patronising are you?? I'm not talking about regular night wakings, obvs to be expected I'm talking about a baby that wakes up more than a newborn, max 7 times in one night

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 10/06/2013 18:16

'One of my biggest parenting regrets is doing controlled crying with dd1 when she was about that age' me too Melpomene .

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2013 18:17

We did controlled crying when ds1 was 10 months old. In retrospect, I wish I'd done it at 6 months.

But you don't have to - there comes a point at which you are ready. When I found myself weeping and ranting and broken as I fed ds1 one 3am I realised I'd reached that point.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 10/06/2013 18:22

OP, it is really horrible when you have only had a few hours sleep a night for six months straight, especially when you are demanded of so much during the day. I also tried staying just within sight, or lifting but not feeding. I had many a night sleeping on the floor too. If you can manage any of those, I think they can be much easier on the parents and child. I hated CC and so did they - like I say above, I very much regret doing it.

However, if you have to for your sanity and you think you will be a better parent for it - then go for it.

ToysRLuv · 10/06/2013 18:24

OP, I had that too (waking every hour etc.). However, the difference is that I didn't have a child just to ignore his biological and psychological needs. But I'm sure your 6 month old is that "manipulating sort" Hmm who is just doing it to break you, not because he/she needs something.

ToysRLuv · 10/06/2013 18:26

In the end everyone does whatever they like and whatever they think is right and fair for them. Doesn't mean it's right on a general level.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 18:26

Don't twist my words Toys, I refuse to engage you.

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 10/06/2013 18:27

Oh goodness I have a 5 1/2 month old and the only reason he wakes or cries in the night is because he is hungry, or thirsty, or too warm or too cold or he is scared or uncomfortable or has tummy ache.

The idea of leaving him to deal with this stuff ALONE makes me want to cry.

So please ignore your H and don't do it. The baby doesn't understand, he just gives up.

Btw I am single and mine is also one of three. No matter. Babies do this - they grow out of it anyway, honestly it isn't for long.

Tailtwister · 10/06/2013 18:28

It's hard to give a constructive answer about something so emotive. Many people are completely against cc, especially at such a young age and I'm afraid I'm one of those people. However, I'm not living your life, or suffering your sleep deprivation.

Personally, I think YABU to do cc with such a young baby or even at all if I'm honest.

RoooneyMara · 10/06/2013 18:29

It must be hard being under pressure from DH though. I am lucky in that it's just me here - no one to tell me what is best for my babies.

I would feel awful if my other half was sick of the crying etc

but really the baby is more important.

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