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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to put my DD in nursery full time?

59 replies

Tippee · 10/06/2013 13:33

I will be going back to work next month for 4 days per week. My dd will be 9 months old and will be going to nursery 4 days per week. I don't have any family around apart from my DH and his mother, father and sister.

I have heard through the grapevine that my mil is annoyed that my Dd is going to nursery. I have heard that she wants to take care of her.

I thought I'd make a post on here so I can get some honest advice.

I will cut to the point and I'm sure I am going to get some harsh get a grip comments but I can take it so please be honest as I need to sort my head out very soon.

Basically me and mil aren't close. She is a bit patronising, and a bit interfering and doesn't listen to what I have to say about DD. She goes on how she thinks she knows my dd more than me, annoying. When DD is hungry she always touches her lips and makes a sound I can read her like a book and mil always says that she's not and won't have it any other way. When I had DD she just interfered, I addressed things in the moment very calmly which I just don't know how I did as I was a hormonal wreck! Mil would get stroppy with me which I thought was very rude. DH cleared things up and now our relationship is a bit strained as she is quite a huffy person.

I always ask mil & fil to stay longer when she visits us so she can spend time with DD (she only lives round the corner) but she doesn't stay more than half an hour which is a shame. I always make an effort and talk to her I just think she doesn't like me as she is the type of person who hates being told what to do and simply doesn't like asking when she wants to do something with DD ie if Dd is asleep I don't want her woken, I would prefer mil to ask. If i have just settled Dd and mil has come round i do ask to please leave her as i have just got DD settled. This is rare but I like to put my foot down as its not fair on DD, sometimes dd just likes to sit in her chair if she doesn't want to play. Mil doesn't like being told to leave her alone and I do explain why. Once dd gets upset it is hard to settle her.

I always encourage mil to spend more time when she is here so I know I'm not making her feel unwelcome she just doesn't like how I have a few rules. And I know I haven't put these rules across rudely.

So it never occurred to me to ask mil if she wanted to provide childcare. To be honest I don't want her to provide childcare - maybe in the future but not at this time. There is also another issue is my sil she has NO boundaries and tries to compete for DD attention with me that I find odd and irritating. Sil has no children (I don't think she can have any which is a shame) so she goes on about doing firsts with my DD and I have also heard that she wants to look after DD one day a week. Without talking to me first.

I just DON'T feel comfortable. Both of them have no boundaries. I'm going to find it hard going back to work and all I will get from sil is 'look what I did with DD' ' I bought her first blah blah' I just feel that she will be playing mummy to my daughter - I have to be honest that I will feel jealous going to work and collecting DD and sil will be rubbing it in my face she is the last person I want looking after my dd. plus she was mean to me when I was pregnant - I think she was jealous, she was calling me fat and was a bit off with me. And when I fell pregnant the first time I miscarried and she said oh well at least you got pregnant - so heartless! I was absolutely devastated and that's all she could say to me? I haven't liked her for the past two years. I just get on to keep the peace.

If I eventually let my mil look after DD then she will pawn my dd off to my sil ewwww! DH said that mil said that if she provides childcare then she will let sil get involved. This just pissed me off. What so she can have a chance to play mummy to my daughter. All these discussions happen when im not there. It just seriously pisses me off and gets my back up.

I don't like mil or sil much they are extremely pushy, want their own way type of people. I can handle them even though I don't like them much I wouldn't limit the amount of time they wish to spend with Dd but I'm not ok with childcare.

I do feel like I am being unreasonable but I can't help feelings that I have.

I just wished mil and sil were a bit different.

Do I just keep DD nursery days as they are? Or do I just let myself go let let mil do childcare and bit the bullet? I need to seriously sort my head out. My friend said that they would get offended, but isn't it my decision?

OP posts:
Rowanred · 10/06/2013 13:37

Woah. I wouldn't let them look after her either, sounds like trouble waiting to happen!

She will love nursery and at least you can be sure the nursery staff will follow your wishes!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/06/2013 13:39

I would def put her in the nurseryand not with MIL - that would be asking for trouble!!

Glittertwins · 10/06/2013 13:45

Definitely use a professional setting. You could always use the excuse of all year round care with no problems around illness/holidays.

DeepPurple · 10/06/2013 13:47

What Glitter said. If she really wants to look after her then maybe let her take her for a few hours on your day off so you can do your shopping and housework?

justalilmummy · 10/06/2013 13:48

E Shes ur daughter let her go to nursery if thats what u want u dont need to make excuses for anybody

TimothyClaypoleLover · 10/06/2013 13:50

Tippee, your situation sounds similar to mine. I put DD in full time nursery when I went back to work as didn't want PIL providing childcare. They see her all the time anyway as they live near to us. I was criticized on MN for putting her in nursery full time when loving grandparents want to help.

So, I compromised - or rather was forced into it by inlaws - and DD went to inlaws for 1 day a week. 1 day a week doesn't sound like a lot to worry about but the whole thing turned into a bit of a mess. They never did anything fun with her, she was bored, her nappies were not changed, their house was dangerous etc etc. I then went on ML with second child and when I tried to put a stop to the 8am-6pm childcare it caused a huge argument as PIL argued they were entitled to their day with DD and I was being cruel denying them access. I actually said they could have her whenever they wanted, just not from 8am-6pm as there was no need.

2 years on I have finally got my way (with DH's support) and kids see inlaws at weekends and half days in the week but it has been a big struggle and my relationship with inlaws is at an all time low.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to stand up to MIL from the outset if she is interfering and will take over. You will get criticized for putting your DD in full time nursery as I did but at the end of the day your kids your rules and those who have a great relationship with their inlaws don't appreciate what a nightmare some people have with theirs.

Your DD will thrive being at nursery. I never worried about her being at nursery but I was always worried about her being with inlaws.

Good luck!

Northernlurker · 10/06/2013 13:50

I think family childcare is the work of the devil. Great for emergencies and one off/short term incidents of course but hopeless for long term. Somebody always ends up feeling downtrodden.
I would ignore this unless mil/sil asks directly and if they do then say that you've made arrangements for nursery, paid deposit etc and you think that as this is a long term commitment you should be paying for it not trespassing on them. However you would be delighted if they are happy to do evenings and emergencies - at mutual convenience obviously. Then you need to work on getting over your feelings about them a bit because they are her close family and it won't hurt dd to have different 'rules' with them for occasional visits. On a weekly basis though is another matter altogether.

ChessieFL · 10/06/2013 13:51

YANBU. Letting family look after your children when they have completely different views to you on how to deal with them is a disaster waiting to happen IMO.

Send her to nursery. You have to feel comfortable with whoever/wherever you're leaving your child and you have already said you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her with MIL/SIL.

Just say that you didn't know they would be interested in looking after her and the first couple of months nursery fees are already paid and can't be refunded.

Original poster
Tippee · 10/06/2013 13:51

Thanks for your comments.

Glitter twins that's a good comeback comment will remember that.

I just wished I didn't feel this way as my friends inlaws are helping them with their childcare I wished I had a good feeling about mine. At the moment I would rather pay a fortune than have them do it.

OP posts:
FirstStopCafe · 10/06/2013 13:53

If you want your daughter in nursery, put her in nursery. I think I would in your situation. I'm concerned that I am going to have a similar dilemma when I return to work

Original poster
Tippee · 10/06/2013 14:27

If only nursery wasn't so expensive :(

I just feel like I would be totally ignored. If I needed to address something I can imagine mil saying 'well you have no choice' blah blah

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop · 10/06/2013 14:32

Nursery is expensive but you are in the same boat as many other people who have to pay for childcare.

Just think of how well off you will feel in a few years when dd starts school!

I wouldn't let your MIL and twatty SIL look after your dd if I were you.

Pinkflipflop · 10/06/2013 14:34

Oh and you say you have heard through the grapevine that MiL is annoyed, who told you this?

Snog · 10/06/2013 14:37

Definitely don't let your rellys provide childcare if you feel like this about them!
Your dc, your choice.
However, even a nursery won't do things exactly as you would and you won't be able to insist things are done your way with them either - but hopefully you can choose a nursery that is in line with your parenting approach.
Ditch the guilt about what the in laws say/think about your decision.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/06/2013 14:38

Can't you get a good child minder?

I wouldn't give her to the inlaws either.

Original poster
Tippee · 10/06/2013 14:41

Pink flipflop - Mil neighbour told me. I don't know her neighbour but went along to thank her for an item she passed down to me from her grand kids.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/06/2013 14:44

Don't let ILs do childcare if you don't feel comfortable.

flowery · 10/06/2013 14:44

Firstly I personally think it's a bit presumptious to ask relatives to provide childcare anyway. I think it's one of those things you wait to be offered, so if they were so keen to look after DD they should have offered.

That aside, I don't think YABU to avoid them providing childcare like the plague, and definitely go for nursery, or a childminder.

But where is your DH in all this?

Original poster
Tippee · 10/06/2013 14:51

DH and I had a chat and he would like his mother and sil to provide childcare I told him that I wasn't comfortable. He knows that I'm not that close to sil he was there when she called me fat. And he was also there when his mother was taking huffs with me. He knows I'm not keen.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/06/2013 14:53

Why does he want them to do it?

To save money?

Because they want to?

It's the best option for your child?

Original poster
Tippee · 10/06/2013 14:57

Diddl - because he can't believe the price of nursery care. And he wants to save money, and they want to.

I'm sure she will be well looked after but I would be the one hurting.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 10/06/2013 15:04

I think if you aren't happy with childcare then you'll hate returning to work. Plus, point out to your DH if you do go along with this and have MIL and SIL doing childcare, as soon as they do anything you aren't happy with, you'll stop it and put your DD back in formal childcare, and you know there'll be fall out with the family, so it might be best long term if he's not 100% certain that his mother and sister won't do anything to upset you that you don't go down a route that you are certain will end up with a huge upset in the family.

Best to manage a little upset now (particularly if they haven't asked you directly) than manage the fall out from you removing your DD from SIL & MIL's care.

diddl · 10/06/2013 15:04

If she will be well looked after though-what's the problem?

Pinkflipflop · 10/06/2013 15:04

If your in laws provide free childcare you have to accept it warts and all! If you don't like x,y,z then it's too bad really.

Could you go to work 3 days and let them look after dd? Being in mind the money you would save?

I will say again, everyone (well most) who have children have to pay to have them looked after. Based on what you have said, I would not leave my dd with your MIL.

Nagoo · 10/06/2013 15:08

YANBU.

Nursery. nursery nursery. Relatives looking after the DC has so much potential to go hideously wrong, especially when you start on such shaky ground.

Sell it to DH and MIL that you'd rather she has a 'fun' relationship with MIL rather than the responsibility of caring for her all the time.