Aibu to put my DD in nursery full time?

[Tippee]

I will be going back to work next month for 4 days per week. My dd will be 9 months old and will be going to nursery 4 days per week. I don't have any family around apart from my DH and his mother, father and sister.

I have heard through the grapevine that my mil is annoyed that my Dd is going to nursery. I have heard that she wants to take care of her.

I thought I'd make a post on here so I can get some honest advice.

I will cut to the point and I'm sure I am going to get some harsh get a grip comments but I can take it so please be honest as I need to sort my head out very soon.

Basically me and mil aren't close. She is a bit patronising, and a bit interfering and doesn't listen to what I have to say about DD. She goes on how she thinks she knows my dd more than me, annoying. When DD is hungry she always touches her lips and makes a sound I can read her like a book and mil always says that she's not and won't have it any other way. When I had DD she just interfered, I addressed things in the moment very calmly which I just don't know how I did as I was a hormonal wreck! Mil would get stroppy with me which I thought was very rude. DH cleared things up and now our relationship is a bit strained as she is quite a huffy person.

I always ask mil & fil to stay longer when she visits us so she can spend time with DD (she only lives round the corner) but she doesn't stay more than half an hour which is a shame. I always make an effort and talk to her I just think she doesn't like me as she is the type of person who hates being told what to do and simply doesn't like asking when she wants to do something with DD ie if Dd is asleep I don't want her woken, I would prefer mil to ask. If i have just settled Dd and mil has come round i do ask to please leave her as i have just got DD settled. This is rare but I like to put my foot down as its not fair on DD, sometimes dd just likes to sit in her chair if she doesn't want to play. Mil doesn't like being told to leave her alone and I do explain why. Once dd gets upset it is hard to settle her.

I always encourage mil to spend more time when she is here so I know I'm not making her feel unwelcome she just doesn't like how I have a few rules. And I know I haven't put these rules across rudely.

So it never occurred to me to ask mil if she wanted to provide childcare. To be honest I don't want her to provide childcare - maybe in the future but not at this time. There is also another issue is my sil she has NO boundaries and tries to compete for DD attention with me that I find odd and irritating. Sil has no children (I don't think she can have any which is a shame) so she goes on about doing firsts with my DD and I have also heard that she wants to look after DD one day a week. Without talking to me first.

I just DON'T feel comfortable. Both of them have no boundaries. I'm going to find it hard going back to work and all I will get from sil is 'look what I did with DD' ' I bought her first blah blah' I just feel that she will be playing mummy to my daughter - I have to be honest that I will feel jealous going to work and collecting DD and sil will be rubbing it in my face she is the last person I want looking after my dd. plus she was mean to me when I was pregnant - I think she was jealous, she was calling me fat and was a bit off with me. And when I fell pregnant the first time I miscarried and she said oh well at least you got pregnant - so heartless! I was absolutely devastated and that's all she could say to me? I haven't liked her for the past two years. I just get on to keep the peace.

If I eventually let my mil look after DD then she will pawn my dd off to my sil ewwww! DH said that mil said that if she provides childcare then she will let sil get involved. This just pissed me off. What so she can have a chance to play mummy to my daughter. All these discussions happen when im not there. It just seriously pisses me off and gets my back up.

I don't like mil or sil much they are extremely pushy, want their own way type of people. I can handle them even though I don't like them much I wouldn't limit the amount of time they wish to spend with Dd but I'm not ok with childcare.

I do feel like I am being unreasonable but I can't help feelings that I have.

I just wished mil and sil were a bit different.

Do I just keep DD nursery days as they are? Or do I just let myself go let let mil do childcare and bit the bullet? I need to seriously sort my head out. My friend said that they would get offended, but isn't it my decision?

If I was you, I would put aside my feelings about MIL and SIL and think about what was best for my daughter. Without doubt, that is you being at home with her, but if that is unachievable, then I would have thought her being with a loving, gentle, hands-on relative would be much better FOR HER than being at nursery. The difficulties it brings to you (which I get) really shouldn't be your primary concern, it should be your daughter. Maybe your SIL is a bit inept, but I would think if I couldn't be with my baby full-time I would be delighted if someone else wanted to play mummy with her, shower her with attention and take her to mummy's groups. How lovely for your daughter. Don't deny her that just because you are jealous or you don't like having no control over what they do with her everyday (as long as she is happy). Remember the staff at nursery won't and can't give your daughter the one on one love and attention that your IL's can.

I would send her to the nursery otherwise your child will grow up to be a carbon copy of your SIL & MIL. She will grow up without any boundaries or respect for anyone else apart from herself, just like your in laws as she will be spending most of her week with them.

Grandparents day care is brilliant, IF you have a good relationship with the grandparents, can discuss things with them frankly without huffiness, can respect boundaries and have trust in them as carers.

You sound like a long way from this with your in laws.

Bumpadaisie - I would love to have at sort of relationship with mil. And I wish sil was a bit more sensitive.

There has been one thing bugging me about mil is when my dd was 6 weeks old I was breast feeding at the time and mil was holding DD, I noticed DD was hungry and mil has huge breasts and she was pretending to breast feed her whilst teasing her DD was screaming, and I told her off in the moment - not one apology from her I thought it was totally inappropriate. She also laughs when DD cries I haven't approach this yet as I don't get it - but the next time she does this I'm going to ask her why she finds it funny. These are little examples of why I feel uneasy.

My friends boy was poorly so she was late attending a party and my mil said to her 'oh dear (name) your boy is playing you and doesn't want you to go out blah blah. I thought that was really insensitive thing to say, she doesn't know how her boy was.

I have a feeling that one day me and mil are going to have a chat about our relationship, if I see improvements and feel that mil isn't going to keep DD in a travelcot all day I would be willing to let her do childcare. She even said this when I was pregnant that you just put Dd in travel cot and leave them. Which is fine but I really think she will leave her all day. She finds DD to heavy to move.

I think she has this 'it doesn't matter type attitude. Ie. oh it doesn't matter just leave dd in the travelcot. Oh it doesn't matter let her cry. Even though these aren't major - I need to feel comfortable with her looking after Dd - I think I would only like her to babysit when needed.

I think I'm going to get slated, in fact I agree with a few posters on here who disagree with me and should let mil and sil do childcare, after really thinking about it I just couldn't possibly leave her with them. I was thinking about it all night in fact I didn't sleep! And I still would feel sick to my stomach if they did childcare. I hardly saw these people when I was pregnant because sil found it too difficult to see me which I totally understand. Sil was a bitch to me and I kept my distance from her so why would I leave my Dd with her. DH has just said last night that sil will rearrange her days at work to provide childcare - isn't that kind of desperate? Gah!

I think after reading all your comments I'm going to try and aim for mil to help with childcare later not sil.

DH said to me last night that he is happy for full time nursery and discuss family childcare later

YANBU your baby your decision. Your mil and sil sound like total loons who'd use your dd as a pawn in their weird displays of power. The mil breast feeding story sets alarm bells for me, if she'd do that for a laugh when your there how far would she go when your not?. I'd only use your mil and Sil as a childcare option in an emergency, they're not to be trusted.

The thing I just can't get my head round is this, wtaf would a doting, loving grandmother override a mothers wishes?. If your trusted enough to care for somebody else's child then you follow instructions to the tee, it's a privilege to be chosen and demonstrates how much trust the parent has in you. I've watched my mil override my sils wishes, with her it's a very sly and sneaky manipulation technique, makes my blood boil.

Well I'm really confused.

I'm sure that you said your baby would be well looked after.

Now you say that she would beleft in a travel cot & that MIL isn't capable of moving (lifting?) her??

If that's the case-how in the name of all that's holy is she going to look after her without SIL?

Oh & MIL teases her & laughs at her-that's enough for me right there to say no!

I didn't make myself clear I should have mentioned this earlier. I feel part of me thinks mil would look after DD well for 50% of the time but the other 50% I would feel uneasy ie keeping dd in travel cot, not being able to pick her up I'm sure she will start complaining of a sore back then she will pass her to sil - sil just creeps me out. Plus dealing with my dd when she is upset, I strongly feel like she would leave her to cry it out.

Yeah the whole laughing when she is crying just seriously pisses me off.

I have spoken to DH and he feels the same but has not approached mil about it. I will certainly do so.