Aibu to put my DD in nursery full time?

[Tippee]

I will be going back to work next month for 4 days per week. My dd will be 9 months old and will be going to nursery 4 days per week. I don't have any family around apart from my DH and his mother, father and sister.

I have heard through the grapevine that my mil is annoyed that my Dd is going to nursery. I have heard that she wants to take care of her.

I thought I'd make a post on here so I can get some honest advice.

I will cut to the point and I'm sure I am going to get some harsh get a grip comments but I can take it so please be honest as I need to sort my head out very soon.

Basically me and mil aren't close. She is a bit patronising, and a bit interfering and doesn't listen to what I have to say about DD. She goes on how she thinks she knows my dd more than me, annoying. When DD is hungry she always touches her lips and makes a sound I can read her like a book and mil always says that she's not and won't have it any other way. When I had DD she just interfered, I addressed things in the moment very calmly which I just don't know how I did as I was a hormonal wreck! Mil would get stroppy with me which I thought was very rude. DH cleared things up and now our relationship is a bit strained as she is quite a huffy person.

I always ask mil & fil to stay longer when she visits us so she can spend time with DD (she only lives round the corner) but she doesn't stay more than half an hour which is a shame. I always make an effort and talk to her I just think she doesn't like me as she is the type of person who hates being told what to do and simply doesn't like asking when she wants to do something with DD ie if Dd is asleep I don't want her woken, I would prefer mil to ask. If i have just settled Dd and mil has come round i do ask to please leave her as i have just got DD settled. This is rare but I like to put my foot down as its not fair on DD, sometimes dd just likes to sit in her chair if she doesn't want to play. Mil doesn't like being told to leave her alone and I do explain why. Once dd gets upset it is hard to settle her.

I always encourage mil to spend more time when she is here so I know I'm not making her feel unwelcome she just doesn't like how I have a few rules. And I know I haven't put these rules across rudely.

So it never occurred to me to ask mil if she wanted to provide childcare. To be honest I don't want her to provide childcare - maybe in the future but not at this time. There is also another issue is my sil she has NO boundaries and tries to compete for DD attention with me that I find odd and irritating. Sil has no children (I don't think she can have any which is a shame) so she goes on about doing firsts with my DD and I have also heard that she wants to look after DD one day a week. Without talking to me first.

I just DON'T feel comfortable. Both of them have no boundaries. I'm going to find it hard going back to work and all I will get from sil is 'look what I did with DD' ' I bought her first blah blah' I just feel that she will be playing mummy to my daughter - I have to be honest that I will feel jealous going to work and collecting DD and sil will be rubbing it in my face she is the last person I want looking after my dd. plus she was mean to me when I was pregnant - I think she was jealous, she was calling me fat and was a bit off with me. And when I fell pregnant the first time I miscarried and she said oh well at least you got pregnant - so heartless! I was absolutely devastated and that's all she could say to me? I haven't liked her for the past two years. I just get on to keep the peace.

If I eventually let my mil look after DD then she will pawn my dd off to my sil ewwww! DH said that mil said that if she provides childcare then she will let sil get involved. This just pissed me off. What so she can have a chance to play mummy to my daughter. All these discussions happen when im not there. It just seriously pisses me off and gets my back up.

I don't like mil or sil much they are extremely pushy, want their own way type of people. I can handle them even though I don't like them much I wouldn't limit the amount of time they wish to spend with Dd but I'm not ok with childcare.

I do feel like I am being unreasonable but I can't help feelings that I have.

I just wished mil and sil were a bit different.

Do I just keep DD nursery days as they are? Or do I just let myself go let let mil do childcare and bit the bullet? I need to seriously sort my head out. My friend said that they would get offended, but isn't it my decision?

I wouldn't leave your dd with MiL based on what you have written.

It is very strange that they haven't asked you directly. Definitely, don't do it. At least you can change a nursery relatively easily. You don't want to have to 'sack' your MIL! Maybe point out to DH that nursery staff are trained in first aid etc and your DD will benefit from being around other children. There will also be a range of activities for her to do each day. I would just take the line with MIL 'oh I want you to enjoy being a GP, not feel you have to do whole days and nappy changing etc'.

Tippee, your DH sounds the same as mine in wanting to save the cost of nursery fees. DO NOT use that as an excuse to have MIL and SIL looking after your DD. My DH has spent years being treated badly and ordered about by is parents because he doesn't know any better. He now does but it has been a bloody hard struggle. Is your DH being pressured to side with what his mother and sister want to do?

As for your MIL's neighbour telling you what MIL said, sounds as though she has been bad mouthing you to people - just what mine does! And it is really out of order.

Can you not suggest 1 or 2 days if they really push the issue. I definitely would not but you could perhaps use that as bargaining if your DH really won't accept his mum not providing childcare. I would not be happy with my inlaws providing childcare all week. Please don't get pushed into anything Tippee as your MIL sounds just like mine and I know what will be ahead of you.

Diddl - I think it's be because mil doesn't listen. I don't feel comfortable with leaving dd with someone who doesn't listen.

Yes I think mil would look after her but its her snotty attitude and telling me that I am wrong. I can see us falling out as I am already trying to restrain myself. I just don't think she makes the effort with me. Mil doesn't contact me when she wants to come round she just contacts DH all the time. I have hardly any contact wi her unless she comes round.

If you think that your child wouldbe well looked after there is still the problem of illness/holidays on their part.

I don't think that saving money is a good enough reason-it should be what's best for the child.

When I went into hospital to have my second, ILs came over as my mum was ill & dad didn't want to leave her.

When I phoned MIL said-oh, I've put a casserole in the oven-what should I do with it?

She put FIL on who said-well, what time will we need to stay till?-doesn't inspire confidence, does it?

My husband was so worried that he left me at the hospital to check on PFB!

YANBU. At all.

TBH I didn't even read most of your OP - if you don't want to, then don't. She's YOUR chilld and you don't need to justify your decisions about her to your MIL.

I do sometimes think though that ILs are sometimes discounted purely for being ILs.

And sometimes there is a compromise-that the child could go round for tea/an hr after nursery.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

But the thing with SIL is odd.

Why does she need to be involved-other than visiting to see her niece on occasion iyswim?

YANBU-personally I don't agree with fulltime nursery for babies under 1 but that's completely your choice. I think giving in to your mil demands would just strain your relationship further tbh. You should politely stick to your guns.

You can't be certain who she will be with during the day
You feel your wishes are likely to be ignored
You have a strained relationship already with little communication
They don't spend long periods of time with your daughter and don't seem keen to

Yes, there will be offence taken but bearing the history in mind, I would be afraid of a far bigger fall-out in the future if your ILs did take her. Perhaps one day a week with them if you feel your daughter would benefit from that?

i think it would be better for your dd to be looked after by your out laws but i think it would do your head in

In these circumstances I would stick with your Nursery arrangements.

Having family look after children can be a nightmare. My MIL and my Mum both looked after DS on the days I worked. It was OK until MIL kept booking holidays which lasted 4-6 weeks at a time, (after she had already agreed to provide childcare). My Mum also became ill, needing surgery etc. DH then had to keep taking time of work (which he wasn't very pleased about). The well meaning was there and idea was lovely, but the reality was very different. I ended up putting DS into nursery and he loved it.

If your MIL/SIL do the childcare you will worry and it will make going back to work even harder.

Yanbu don't do it if you don't feel happy.

I wouldn't be that surprised if she doesn't really want to do it but days these sort of things to her neighbour to make her look good and nice and you a bit mean/stupid.

I have some family help and tbh its loads of aggro (to me, the kids love it). Also there is a world of difference between looking after a baby who rides in the buggy and sleeps lots and a 2.5 yr old who never sleeps, is into everything and tantrums long and loud.
Trust your instincts, don't do it.

What pretty much everyone else said. I'm (luckily - or not!) in the position where I don't have relatives available for childcare. I've only ever left DS1 with MIL once when he was a year old. Came back with DH to find DS1 screaming his head off in distress - strapped into a buggy left outside the house. Because thats what MIL did with DH when he was a baby. Never again.
Yes its expensive, but from what you've said you need to book your nursery now, and not consider your In-Laws. If this is how you feel at this point, imagine what its like when you're going to work all day. Its unlikely - given what you've said - that your wishes for her care will be taken into consideration, even if she is loved. Do you really want your/her early years overshadowed by this? Noop. Don't do it.

also agree that while your MIL hasn't directly offered to have your DD, just mouthed off to a neighbour, you could point out to your DH that you can't assume she does actually want to do full time childcare, point out that it could have been a conversation along the lines of the nieghbour asking if you were returning to work and assuming MIL would be doing childcare, and rather than say "oh we don't have that sort of relationship", MIL said that you wanted to use nursery and shes sad about it.

as she hasn't actually offered, just go ahead with nursery plan with saying nothing to her about it to her.

With your DH, I'd focus on that you won't be happy to work if it's MIL and SIL doing the caring regardless of how much money you'll save. If he pushes, I'd say you're really considering not going back at all if that's the choice.

Thanks for all your comments. I think when I go back to work I would just be soo unhappy if my inlaws provided the care. I think I would resent them as I know my wishes wouldn't be followed.

I know for a fact sil would go to mummy's groups etc and it would upset me.

I'm going to stick to my guns.

When I went back to work DS1 went to PIL for one afternoon per week & it caused no end of problems. Am just about to go back to work after ML with DS2 & they're both going to nursery for the 3 days I'm working.

YANBU. my MOTHER looked after DD1 when I went back to work when she was 12 month old. My mother is just about the most adoring mother and grandmother, we (her daughters and granddaughters) are her whole world...and it was still an utter bl**dy nightmare. In every way that the others have mentioned here.

She still expected me to be grateful, always thought she knew best, took it incredibly personally when my views on childcare differed from hers in any way at all (from feeding to socializing to routine to everything else) and the worst thing was when I went on ML2 - she was gutted when I "wanted my DD back" and wanted to spend some precious time looking after her full time before DD2 was born.

I would not do it with PIL or any family on a full time basis, ever again. it is just too hard, too emotional, too messy.

As someone else pointed out here, there are compromises. Let DD spend time with MIL and SIL may be one afternoon after nursery for a couple of hours (I expect most weekends you will want to spend with her yourself....). It IS great for children to be close to extended family so if you can make it work for you in small doses, your DD can both be very happy and settled at nursery and have an enriching closeness with your DH's family, while you retain control over your daughter's care - and your sanity!!!

sounds like you are pretty much decided though. Good luck xxx

Thanks everyone for your comments it has helped me a great deal.

X

There is no such thing as "free" childcare imo.
It always comes at a price,even if provided by family and no money changes hands.

The beauty of paying for childcare is it makes it all so simple. You pay, you call the shots. Nursery consult me on nap times/places, food served, whether to use a cup or a beaker...it's all up to me and if I say I don't want ds to do something (within reason) that's what happens.

For example, he won't eat anything green - yes, this is something to work on in the future but right now it's not a battle we want to fight. They changed their lunch menu and the first time he had shepherd's pie with peas he refused then whole thing, which never happens. I told them seeing the peas had made him refuse it and they said "no problem, we'll make a note in the kitchen that he doesn't get peas". No lecture, no catsbum mouth, no trying to get him to eat pleas behind my back...it's a small thing but can you see what I'm getting at? It leaves me confident that I am the mummy and I make the decisions.

Don't do it, family providing childcare is nothing but trouble even if you have a good relationship.
My Mum had already taken it upon herself to organise my childcare whilst I was pregnant. She assumed she would have DS full-time as she didn't "agree" with nursery or childminders. She was mortified when I informed her that he would be going to nursery so I compromised. Looking back now I wish I hadn't, she was doing us a favour and saving us money but it came with tension. My Mum looked after DS when I went back to work 1 day a week and he went to nursery for 3 days. I never worried once when he was at nursery but really worried when my Mum looked after him. She is very loving and caring but wouldn't discipline him when he was misbehaving and generally has a very different approach to me.
Everytime I speak to friends who have GP's providing childcare there are always problems one way or another. Stand your ground....sure she'll be pissed off but think of your sanity!

Thanks for your comments. My instincts are raising a red flag, I'd rather have no holidays etc and pay all my money on childcare than my mil bringing up my girl. I just want mil to be a grandma that treats my DD and bakes cookies etc - no childcare

I'm going to feel awful towards my DH as I'm seriously going to have to put my foot down. I didn't bring my DD into the world for my mil & sil to bring up when I go back to work. I'm going to find a new job with more money, shame as I really like the job that I have - oh well have to make sacrifices somewhere... :(

It sounds like your husbands feelings are completely irrelevant to you.

No, no, no! Don't do it!

I would compromise on 1 day a week for mil/sil to look after baby as u can easily increase her nursery if it doesnt work out esp of yoir dh is keen. Your sil was a bit mean but sounds like she would be amazing with your dd wanting to go to toddler groups ect.

My own grandmother was a complete b*h to my mum (didnt realise until I was in my late teens) but was was the most amazing, caring granny to me. Mum recognised this so let me stay with her every weekend even though mum hated her guts at times but they both made sure I was never aware.

With my first I was very over protective as was dp but now we have a tribe we are more than happy for inlaws to take them even if they do feed them crap and scrimp on the.naps