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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday with friend, seeking MN advice on whom pays what.

77 replies

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 11:40

I'm a regular here but have NC because this outs me.....

I am going on a 12 night camping holiday to France with a dear friend and my 6yo DS this summer.

Its booked and I've just paid the final balance which covers ferry and accommodation. The agreement is for my friend to pay their share in 2 weeks. Its through a camping holiday operator, it looks amazing but isn't as cheap as one might expect for camping (well I was surprised anyway ).

When we booked the holiday I said that I would insist on on paying for my and DS' costs in their entirety. I assumed that this would probably amount to a bit less than 2/3 of the overall holiday cost (assuming that DS would cost less than us adults). I think my friend probably assumed this too, but we didn't actually agree on who was paying what.

Having looked at the invoice, and checked with the holiday company DS is actually completely free! We would be paying exactly the same amount whether he came or not (in fact we could take up to 4 DC and pay no extra).

So in a way, it could be fair to split the costs 50/50. This feels wrong to me though. Money is tight for both me and my friend, I don't want to pay more than I should, but neither should they. I want to be completely fair.

This friend has been my absolute rock, I owe a serious gratitude for helping me through tough times over the years. They seem as excited about this trip as I am but I can't help feeling extra grateful that a childless person would want to come away with DS and I, and I am conscious that holidaying with someone else's DC, when you are childfree yourself can be trying at times (I intend to minimise this as much as I can).

My friend is so lovely that I'm concerned that if I ask what they think they will agree to split costs 50:50, just to be nice while actually feeling that is a bit unfair.....

What would you do?

OP posts:

badtime · 10/06/2013 11:48

You should pay what you are being charged. 50/50 is actually the fair option. Why would you see that as your friend doing something 'just to be nice'?

Bear in mind you will be paying more for food etc. - if you feel uncomfortable, you can throw in a bit extra there. Or maybe take her out when you are back home?

KellyElly · 10/06/2013 11:48

I would split 50/50 but I'm absolutely skint and just couldn't justify doing anything else.

badtime · 10/06/2013 11:49

Also, it is 'who pays what', not 'whom'.

TigOldBitties · 10/06/2013 11:51

If I had made the comment previously that I would pay for 2/3 then I would probably tell my friend about DS being free but say I'm still ok to pay the 2/3. I'm assuming you've already budgeted for this whereas she may only have enough for the 1/3 not the half.

If she was insistent on paying her half, which I doubt someone who couldn't afford it would do then I would let her. But if she just does that "oh are you sure" type thing, then I would say something along the lines of "course, you can just buy us a dinner/ice cream/whatever" so suggest something affordable but that will save you a bit of money too.

Double check before mentioning it through that there aren't other extra costs for her, such as petrol or equipment she's providing.

Dannilion · 10/06/2013 11:51

I would split it 50/50 and just pay a bit more for the food etc as obviously your DS will be eating. Your friend is coming on holiday with you because she wants to.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 11:58

I agree with Dannilion, go 50/50 and put more in to the food fund. You may end up feeling resentful if you pay more, just show her the invoice.

Tallulahmae · 10/06/2013 12:04

If I were in the position of your friend I would expect to be splitting it 50/50 if that is how the costing of the holiday worked out. I would though expect you to pay for extra petrol/food etc. as you obviously would be using more as there will be two of you (although if food/travel is included in the original cost that doesn't mean I would expect you to pay more than 50% as that is how the costing works out).

That was the worst written paragraph I have ever produced so apologies, but in short if you don't have to pay extra for booking the holiday you should split 50/50 but for activities/food/travel you should pay for both you and your child, and your friend just pay for herself.

So don't feel bad about splitting 50/50, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me!

jacks365 · 10/06/2013 12:10

Even though you don't pay for children I would still iffer 2/3. My reason is because the holiday has been chosen because of the child ie ask yourself if the two of you would choose to do this if it wasn't for your ds.

Original poster

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 12:11

Thanks for the opinions so far. I'm glad to hear that splitting it 50:50 sounds fair to most people, but I am worried about upsetting friend.....

This probably says more about the current state of my self esteem than anything- I'm so very grateful that she wants to join us......

OP posts:

Original poster

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 12:14

Good point Jack's! Its hard to say whether we would have chosen this holiday if it wasn't for DS. I do enjoy camping, and my friend has fond memories of very similar holidays with her parents as a child- but maybe we would have avoided the 'family friendly' type of campsites....

OP posts:

LastTangoInDevonshire · 10/06/2013 12:15

If she was expecting to pay just over 1/3, it is hardly fair to turn round and make her pay 1/2 is it? Are you saying that you've booked this holiday but not even discussed how much it is going to cost?

VivaLeBeaver · 10/06/2013 12:19

50/50 does sound fair but if you told her that the holiday was X and she'd need to pay slightly more than 1/3 I don't think you can really tell her after booking that she now needs to pay 1/2.

She may well only have been able to afford it by thinking it cost a certain amount. Talk to her.

Original poster

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 12:20

Lasttango we did know the overall cost, but not the breakdown per person. When we discussed cost I said I wanted to make sure I covered all DS costs, and so yes I think that I did imply I would pay more, but not necessarily 2/3.

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 10/06/2013 12:21

I don't think you need to pay extra when you are not being charged.

Yes, you need to pay for his share of food but not accomodation.

I go camping. I generally am the one who pays and gets the money back later. I have no kids. The others do. For the actual camping itself I ask for what it costs. So some kids are half price some are free.

Food for the campsite comes out of a 'kitty' adults put in for example £20 and those with kids put in £10 per child. Any alcohol is bring your own as not everyone drinks.

Trills · 10/06/2013 12:21

It really depends on how much you've involved her in the booking process and how much she thought she would be paying when she agreed to come on the holiday with you.

If she knew it would cost £X per adult, and you said you would pay for you and DS, then you should pay for you and she should pay for her, and nobody should pay for DS because he doesn't cost anything. She'll be paying what she agreed to pay.

If she knew it would cost about £Y in total, and you described it as if she would be paying 1/3 of that, then the fact that £Y is broken down as 2 adults + 1 free child instead of 3 people doesn't really matter to her, if you ask her to pay half you'll be asking her for money money than you previously agreed.

Hullygully · 10/06/2013 12:23

You have to hope she spots this and offers to split it 50/50 herself, or you will look begrudging and it will cast a mean spirit over the holiday

Original poster

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 12:27

Hmm, the view is looking more mixed now! I really don't want her to begrudge anything.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 10/06/2013 12:31

In all honesty, a breakdown of costs should've been looked at before booking.

It is also worth considering that free child often means you have paid more per adult or per accomodation.

Original poster

whopayswhat · 10/06/2013 12:32

Enorma you are right, and I won't make this mistake again.

OP posts:

DeWe · 10/06/2013 12:33

I would go and discuss it with her, ask what she thinks is fair. If she says you pay 50/50 then I'd insist on paying 2/3rds of the food share. If she looks horrified and obviously will struggle for 50/50 I'd probably try and reach an agreement that you pay more, but not necessarily as much as 2/3rds.

If you give her a ring and say, could we meet up and have a chat about the holiday, and you can discuss money splitting/job splitting etc as well.

If I was her I'd feel guilty if you expected to pay more than 50% of the holiday cost in that situation.

ENormaSnob · 10/06/2013 12:35

Re the ferry cost, is that usually per car rather than per person? How are you splitting that cost plus the cost of fuel, tolls etc?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/06/2013 12:38

Have a chat with your friend and see what she thinks. Maybe you could pay 3/5 and she could pay 2/5 so you'd effectively be treating DS as half the adult price.

I think paying 50 / 50 and offering more for food etc would probably be OK and is probably what I'd want to do in your friends shoes.

YourHandInMyHand · 10/06/2013 12:38

Did you both know the total price before you found out DS was free? If you did you should pay 2/3 of the expected total but if the total amount hadn't been discussed then just pay 50/50.

If I was your friend and thought (as an example) holiday was going to cost 600, and friend was paying 2/3, I would not then be happy to be told I was expected to pay more than I'd budgeted for. However if actual total amounts hadn't been discussed then fair enough.

whois · 10/06/2013 12:40

I think I would explain the situation and say total cost Y and the child place is free, obviously as we discussed this before we thought the split would include child costs so suggest I pay 60:40. Then you're paying a bit more but she understands the situation.

HormonalHousewife · 10/06/2013 12:42

Half ? a third ? we are not talking much of a difference are we really?

I would just split it 50:50. But be generous with your food budget instead.

Remember your friend actually wants to go away with you and your DS and is probably looking forward to it as much as you. This holiday is something different for her that she might not be able to experience with her other friends. I bet she wont mind or begrudge anything.

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