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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this friend toxic or am I being oversensitive?

60 replies

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 12:47

I have a friend, she is the mum of my DD's friend, and we've known each other for about 4 years. In many ways she seems very nice, but then sometimes she will say something or do something and it makes me wonder whether she is my friend or not and whether I should keep a distance. She portrays herself as a very ditzy silly girlie type.

She does things like:

Makes comments with a bit of a sting in the tail, but delivered in a ditzy sing-song way. Things such as liking the jeans I am wearing and wanting some herself but being far thinner than me they wouldn't suit her. She compliments things I have and things I wear but it's done in a "Oooh look what you've got" type of way rather than a genuine way, and she often has a smirk on her face when she says things. I feel like she asks things about my life but not because she is interested, more because she wants to look for fodder to comment on.

I have had problems in the past with a mutual friend, who did some really unkind things to me. I won't go into detail as it'll make it obvious to some RL friends about who I am. My friend always goes on and on about this mutual friend and says how much she likes her, and tells me the ins and outs of this friend's life. She knows that what this other person did was awful and really upset me and that is why she is no longer my friend. But just goes on about her. She also says things like "It is such a shame you and X can't get on". I just feel like she does it excessively to try to make me feel uncomfortable.

Says comments via DD. DD said last time she went round there for tea this woman laughed at the haircut DD had just had. Also she made DD eat every scrap of food on her plate, whilst letting her daughter (who never eats) eat nothing. DD then had a tummy ache when she got home. I didn't tackle the friend as in all honesty I didn't know what to say, and I know she would try to justify it as her being caring.

Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 09/06/2013 12:49

No, not oversensitive at all.

Sounds like she is putting you down to make herself feel good. She sounds sly and nasty OP.

Primrose123 · 09/06/2013 12:51

She sounds horrendous. I would stay away from her.

She made your DD eat everything on her plate, but not her own? That's awful.

mrspaddy · 09/06/2013 12:51

No OP.. I don't think she is a friend. You don't need this in your life. I know someone like this and have distance myself a lot.

OwlinaTree · 09/06/2013 12:52

Just stop being her friend if you don't like her. It doesn't really matter if anyone else thinks it's weird. You are uncomfortable about it, so it's not right. Let it drift.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 12:55

Thank you all for the replies!

I'm going to distance myself. It is getting so that every time I see her or speak to her I come away feeling not so good and a bit uncomfortable.

I forgot to say in my OP (not wanting to drip feed) that another thing she does is if we go out for a meal as a group of friends, she keeps watching what I eat and if I leave anything she starts saying I've got to eat more. I'm starting to dread it when we're out if I can't eat everything on my plate as she goes on at me and makes such a big deal and I feel so silly.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 09/06/2013 12:56

ditto Owlina

Earlybird · 09/06/2013 12:57

How old is your dd? If young, I'd engineer some other friendships for her. This woman doesn't sound nice at all.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 12:58

DD is 7, Earlybird. Luckily she has lots of other friends, and this girl isn't one of her best friends, so it will be easy to turn down playdates and meet ups

OP posts:
KeepYerTitsIn · 09/06/2013 12:59

Stay away from her. This woman isn't your friend, as you have come to realise. She doesn't wish you well.

MamaChubbyLegs · 09/06/2013 12:59

She laughed at a little girl's hair! Shock how mean.
I wouldn't want a friend like that. She sounds nasty.

It's up to you, though. If she makes you uncomfortable, maybe limit your relationship with her. I certainly wouldn't be having casual chats and providing comment fodder.

IvanaCake · 09/06/2013 13:00

I had a "friend" like this. I started distancing myself a couple of months ago. I still see her once a week because our dc have a shared activity, but the playdates/going out for coffee etc have stopped. I've also stopped interacting with her on facebook and blocked her hideous posts from my news feed.

The upshot is that I'm Soooo much happier! Go for it. Friends should make you feel good about yourself.

MarianaTrench · 09/06/2013 13:01

I have an acquaintance exactly like this. She is sly and nasty. I avoid her as much as is possible. Constant barbed comments hidden behind an 'oh I'm so ditsy' front.

MaBumble · 09/06/2013 13:03

She sounds awful. A real frenamy. I think she is jealous or envious, with some deep seated personal issues. Nod & smile & distance yourself.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 13:05

I am so glad I'm not being oversensitive!

I came on here fully prepared to be told that I was unreasonable and oversensitive!

MaBumble, I think it is definitely jealousy related with my friend, too. She seems unable to be happy for me about anything and just seems to pick at things. I always feel apprehensive before a night out with her or before meeting up with her, like I need to scrutinise myself to make sure there is nothing she can take the piss out of

OP posts:
mrspaddy · 09/06/2013 13:08

I would love to know how to be more assertive.. I tend to walk away from these type of people and cry and wish I could have stood up to them a bit more.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 13:10

I don't stand up to her in all honesty, mrspaddy. Her persona is such that if I was to tackle her, she would cry and make out she was only being a concerned friend or being kind or whatever, and I would end up looking like the bad guy.

I tend to just ignore her comments.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 09/06/2013 13:15

She sounds horrendous. Definitely eject her from your life!

She sounds strange tbh: weird issues with food and control which she inflicts on you and your child (complete deal-breaker right there), and blatently malicious re constantly mentioning your ex-friend and snide bullshit about how she's sooooo much thinner than you etc.

Slightly deranged. Get rid!

Chivetalking · 09/06/2013 13:16

She sounds utterly foul.

She'd be ditched soonest here. I don't allow toxic people in my life.

TeapotsInJune · 09/06/2013 13:18

She sounds FOUL; I don't know how you put up with it, you must before patient than me!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2013 13:19

"Her persona is such that if I was to tackle her, she would cry and make out she was only being a concerned friend or being kind or whatever, and I would end up looking like the bad guy."
Could you turn it back on her that way? Just for fun, while you are dumping her Grin?
E.g. in the restaurant scenario you gave, when she says you've got to eat more - look puzzled and ask 'why?', then add 'actually X, you saying that reminds me - you're looking a bit too thin lately - are you OK?' in a concerned tone. Or joshingly respond 'what's up X, worried that you won't always be thinner than me? You really need to put less stock by what you weigh!

claudedebussy · 09/06/2013 13:20

i had a friend that made me feel crap about things. comments always made pleasantly but with a hidden sting. i always came away feeling upset and angry.

i've ditched her.

sounds like you've got one too.

microserf · 09/06/2013 13:20

Definitely avoid this woman. I wouldn't bother confronting her, she'll deny it but she clearly has some kids of problem with you.

CinnamonLatteIsJustForWinter · 09/06/2013 13:20

A friend is someone who you can be around regardless of what you wear, how much you weigh and without fearing nasty comments.

Friends are for having fun, sharing and sometimes for much needed support.

This woman isn't a friend, she sounds vile.

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/06/2013 13:25

Dump the bitch. I had a friend like this. I cannot tell you how much more pleasant my life is now that she's not in it. A mutual friend told me that she was jealous of me, which is why she was so bitchy - apparently there was a long list of reasons for her jealousy, from my children being bright, to my having a "highflying" (ha! Grin) job. She used to take the piss out of my accent when I spoke Dutch and French, but couldn't speak either language herself. I'm sure your friend is jealous of you. My "friend" has now, apparently moved on to someone else now.

Halfling · 09/06/2013 13:25

I had an epiphany about a similar friend yesterday evening. I have decided to chuck her out of my life. Peace.

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