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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this friend toxic or am I being oversensitive?

60 replies

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 12:47

I have a friend, she is the mum of my DD's friend, and we've known each other for about 4 years. In many ways she seems very nice, but then sometimes she will say something or do something and it makes me wonder whether she is my friend or not and whether I should keep a distance. She portrays herself as a very ditzy silly girlie type.

She does things like:

Makes comments with a bit of a sting in the tail, but delivered in a ditzy sing-song way. Things such as liking the jeans I am wearing and wanting some herself but being far thinner than me they wouldn't suit her. She compliments things I have and things I wear but it's done in a "Oooh look what you've got" type of way rather than a genuine way, and she often has a smirk on her face when she says things. I feel like she asks things about my life but not because she is interested, more because she wants to look for fodder to comment on.

I have had problems in the past with a mutual friend, who did some really unkind things to me. I won't go into detail as it'll make it obvious to some RL friends about who I am. My friend always goes on and on about this mutual friend and says how much she likes her, and tells me the ins and outs of this friend's life. She knows that what this other person did was awful and really upset me and that is why she is no longer my friend. But just goes on about her. She also says things like "It is such a shame you and X can't get on". I just feel like she does it excessively to try to make me feel uncomfortable.

Says comments via DD. DD said last time she went round there for tea this woman laughed at the haircut DD had just had. Also she made DD eat every scrap of food on her plate, whilst letting her daughter (who never eats) eat nothing. DD then had a tummy ache when she got home. I didn't tackle the friend as in all honesty I didn't know what to say, and I know she would try to justify it as her being caring.

Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/06/2013 20:59
Smile
BriansBrain · 09/06/2013 21:27

Good on you!

SarahAndFuck · 09/06/2013 21:38

OP she is not your friend and she is cruel to your child.

Ditch her.

lisbethsopposite · 09/06/2013 21:51

YANBU Trust your instinct

Nobodydidthat · 09/06/2013 22:42

Great to hear you're dumping her.

I have known a couple of people like her, a friend from school (who fortunately moved schools!) and a couple of aquaintences who reminded me of this school friend so much I avoided them as much as possible.

Very manipulative behaviour designed to make them feel better about themselves! Keep your dd away from her dd as much as possible as her dd might be developing similar nasty behaviours.

toffeelolly · 09/06/2013 23:24

She will soon get the messageWink

Rootvegetables · 10/06/2013 09:15

I had this with a friend who was actually meant to be my best friend, things changed somehow. We had been friends for 19 years then one day she tried her horrid undermining tactics on my dh, l watched him stand up to her in such a composed and sensible way and tell her how wonderful I am. It was such a moment if clarity, later that evening when she came over to explain and giggle how he got it all wrong. I gave her a sweet smile said goodbye and never spoke to her again. The relief was immense, people like this can be horridly draining and niggle away at your self worth. Say good bye and enjoy your freedom!

MulberryJane · 10/06/2013 09:35

The fact that she keeps bringing up how wonderful the other friend who hurt you is, smacks of jealousy to me. It's like she's found one thing she can use over you that you can't change and is using it to make you feel bad. Once jealousy is a prominent feature in a friendship, it's the beginning of the end. She'll realise how much of a good friend she's lost once she's lost you, but that's her problem not yours. You mentioned that you'll probably have to see her on nights out and through mutual friends, so just keep making the excuses that you are busy etc and eventually she'll get the message without having the "she said...." situation. She might try it anyway if she likes to be the victim but stay strong. Good on you OP, you don't need this person in your life.

Mintyy · 10/06/2013 09:49

Its simple really. Friends are meant to add something to your life. If you get no pleasure in a person's company then they are not a friend.

FilthyCar · 10/06/2013 10:45

I think there are definitely some jealousy issues there; I can think of a couple of things that she may be jealous of. It's almost as if she is eaten up with jealousy and is just looking for anything she can find to bring me down and make me feel rubbish.

I am quite a confident person, but if I'm honest I'm starting to get nervous if I'm meeting her for a night out, as she looks me up and down and goes "ooooo-oooooh" like you would do to a child that had new clothes or shoes or something, and she's not doing it in a "you look nice" way but more of a patronising way to make me feel self conscious. Once we went out and I had a pair of boots on that I got for £5 in the Primark sale and she just went on and on about these boots all night. "Check you out in your £5 boots". She had seen them in the sale!

She also is always telling other people how gorgeous, pretty, attractive they are, but seems a bit smirky with me about it all. Like there are undertones there that she thinks I am ugly.

OP posts:
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