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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this friend toxic or am I being oversensitive?

60 replies

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 12:47

I have a friend, she is the mum of my DD's friend, and we've known each other for about 4 years. In many ways she seems very nice, but then sometimes she will say something or do something and it makes me wonder whether she is my friend or not and whether I should keep a distance. She portrays herself as a very ditzy silly girlie type.

She does things like:

Makes comments with a bit of a sting in the tail, but delivered in a ditzy sing-song way. Things such as liking the jeans I am wearing and wanting some herself but being far thinner than me they wouldn't suit her. She compliments things I have and things I wear but it's done in a "Oooh look what you've got" type of way rather than a genuine way, and she often has a smirk on her face when she says things. I feel like she asks things about my life but not because she is interested, more because she wants to look for fodder to comment on.

I have had problems in the past with a mutual friend, who did some really unkind things to me. I won't go into detail as it'll make it obvious to some RL friends about who I am. My friend always goes on and on about this mutual friend and says how much she likes her, and tells me the ins and outs of this friend's life. She knows that what this other person did was awful and really upset me and that is why she is no longer my friend. But just goes on about her. She also says things like "It is such a shame you and X can't get on". I just feel like she does it excessively to try to make me feel uncomfortable.

Says comments via DD. DD said last time she went round there for tea this woman laughed at the haircut DD had just had. Also she made DD eat every scrap of food on her plate, whilst letting her daughter (who never eats) eat nothing. DD then had a tummy ache when she got home. I didn't tackle the friend as in all honesty I didn't know what to say, and I know she would try to justify it as her being caring.

Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 09/06/2013 13:27

Oh yes, the comments that are superficially "pleasant" with a hidden sting.

"Those jeans really suit you!"

"Oh thanks, yes, they're new."

"I thought I hadn't seen them before - do they have one of those control panels that suck your gut in? Did you get them in Evans?"

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 13:30

Hahaha MrsSchadenfreude, that is just the sort of thing she would say!

Well, as of this point she can officially consider herself dumped as a friend. Only thing is I may have to see her on nights out with a group of mutual friends. Am I just best off sitting as far away from her as possible and being vague?

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 09/06/2013 13:32

Agree with everyone else.

Ditch her.

Friends are meant to enhance your life. She just sounds awful.

overmydeadbody · 09/06/2013 13:33

Yes Filthy, on nights out in groups just stick to toehr people and keep yourself busily engaged in conversations with them.

mrspaddy · 09/06/2013 13:34

My SIL often takes my coat but I know it is to check where it is from. So I leave it in the car.
Her child said to me 'mummy said you are like a gypsy with your earrings'. At the same time as this, she asked my DH where I got my bridal bag and went out and bought it.
Don't bother much with her. She buys her children's clothes in Tesco a year older so people don't realise where she got them.

MammaTJ · 09/06/2013 13:46

Assertive or not, the making my child eat everything on their plate while doing the opposite to their own child would have brought out the tiger in me!!

Do sit as far away as possible. If she says anything about your eatiung habits, call her on it in front of everyone. Say 'You comment on it every time we go out, are you obsessed?'

trackies · 09/06/2013 14:14

i agree, not your friend. I've had so called 'friends' like this. If you can't trust them and they belittle you or leave you feeling bothered alot fo the time, then they are not your friends.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 14:37

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now I've made the decision to dump her! I'm going to turn down playdate invitations in future for DD at her house too.

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/06/2013 14:43

sounds like my SIL. who counts absolutley on my good manners

  • after a family argument with me at the centre ( becuase they were utterly bile one xmas and i'd had enough and pulled them on it) which left DH and BIL not speaking for over a year, they recently texted 'come round for a coffee' so bury the hatchett and all that we went round

my SIL - is huge ( this is important) the very first words she said to me " you've put on weight, it suits you"

and i thought 'and it begins'

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 14:45

I think people like that do solely rely on others' good manners to enable them to behave in the way in which they do. If anyone answers them back or pulls them up on their behaviour then they act very hurt and upset, and try to make out that the other person is the unreasonable one.

OP posts:
ToysRLuv · 09/06/2013 14:51

I liked my toxic ex-friend's excuse "I'm just being honest and open, because that's what really good friends are like". More like inconsiderate and impolite. Everything is so negative/competitive around her. I'm feeling much more positive about myself and DC after letting the friendship go. I've also hidden her rants on FB, but am too chicken to defriend..

ToysRLuv · 09/06/2013 14:56

BTW, does anyone think that wishing to "debate" pester and argue until the other person admits lack of knowledge/defeat (ex-friend would probably see it as "educating") any issues where there are differences in opinion/approach, against the other person's will (who just wants to "live and let live" and have a cup of tea talking about jollier things) is a nice way for a friend to behave? Confused

FetaCheeny · 09/06/2013 15:05

Friends shouldn't make you feel like that. It's very hard to judge having not met the woman, but I've got a friend that sounds very similar but it's someone I work with so I HAVE to see her. If I had the choice, I would definitely distance myself. YANBU.

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 15:09

ToysRLuv, that kind of behaviour irritates me too. Some people are like a dog with a bone about their opinions, particularly ones that are political or about parenting.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/06/2013 15:15

Good plan to dump her!

In group situations that you cannot avoid, you could always go with the MN classic 'gosh! Did you mean that to sound so rude! Ha! Ha! Ha!' (Add the laughter in to show you can do light hearted bitchery too)

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 15:35

LOL Shipwrecked, I would love to use the MN Classic but I think she would probably start crying or something like that. She is quite good at being a victim, and is a very needy person. She creates drama and everyone is always saying 'Poor X' about her.

OP posts:
waddlecakes · 09/06/2013 15:55

Just to give you a different perspective:

  1. ''Things such as liking the jeans I am wearing and wanting some herself but being far thinner than me they wouldn't suit her.'' As someone who is very skinny and self-conscious about it, this is the sort of thing I would genuinely say, and I'd be hurt to think someone thought I was being fake.

  2. ''I have had problems in the past with a mutual friend, who did some really unkind things to me.'' What problems exactly? Is it possible you were a bit unreasonable re this other friend, and so your friend here is just trying to get you to relax a bit about it?

  3. ''she made DD eat every scrap of food on her plate, whilst letting her daughter (who never eats) eat nothing.'' Is it possible she knows her daughter is picky and didnt want your daughter to feel too embarrassed to eat up just because the other wasn't, so was trying to over-compensate by ''forcing'' it down her? Also re the making fun of the haircut - I'd be wary to trust a kid recounting something like that to be honest with you.

pigletmania · 09/06/2013 15:57

Yes te go of her op she is no friend

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/06/2013 16:02

Hmm, wadlecakes, I see what you are saying. Perspective is everything.

However, I do believe in listening to what your gut is telling you and op here, is definitely getting bad vibes from the friend's behaviour. In my experience, it's better to cut and run than try to muddle along.

pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 16:02

Let it fizzle it's way out, sometimes people we thought were our friends were never that to begin with & after a while you will realise you are better of without her negativity.

toffeelolly · 09/06/2013 16:07

She is not a friend filtycar, cut her off as a friend, to treat you and your dd like that, real friends do not treat their friend's like this. Maybe she is jealous of you in some way!

BriansBrain · 09/06/2013 16:12

She sounds vile!

Best to distance yourself, she isn't making you feel very good about yourself

FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 16:16

Waddlecakes:

I realise that some comments can be made innocently and I'm sure we are all guilty of it but this friend makes a big habit of saying the wrong thing, and she frequently says a put down disguised as a compliment. It happens every time I see her.

I wasn't unreasonable about this other friend. As I said, I don't really wish to go into details as it will make me identifiable.

I know what you mean about the meal, but given her obsession with making me eat everything on my plate... Also re the haircut, as an isolated incident I'd have taken little notice but put together with everything else she says....

OP posts:
FilthyCar · 09/06/2013 19:14

She has sent me a text this evening asking if I want to meet up in the morning once we've dropped the kids at school. I've replied saying that I can't as I've got a busy morning...

OP posts:
ToysRLuv · 09/06/2013 19:39

Well done!

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