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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be saddened by this casual gender stereotyping?

188 replies

SuiGeneris · 09/06/2013 06:42

DS went to a third birthday party recently. Lovely family that we would like to get to know more. As seems common round here there was an entertainer who spun out a story and games on a pirate theme. It started off with there being an island full of monsters that the boys (aka pirates) were asked to scare away "so that it would be safe for the princesses to come onto the island". I was stunned (and, it must be said, sad and irritated) that in this day and age, in London, in an educated environment, this should be acceptable. Of course the hostess probably had not heard the story before and the other parents would not have said anything through politeness but.. Really??

As it happens DS asked to be a princess when it came to the face painting and none of the other children said anything. At just 3 I think they are unaware of stereotypes, so why foist them on them?

OP posts:
AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 09/06/2013 08:07

It takes a very strong child to stand up and say "I don't want to be a princess, I want to be a pirate" when the entertainer - an adult in an authority position - has told them that girls are one and boys the other.

I would be livid. If he wants to use that story, he should think of two groups and divide the children in half down the middle or something.

What saddens me incredibly is the number of times someone posts something like this on here and a mass of posters rush on to say that it's fine and the OP is over-thinking things and the kids had fun. Try counting, for one week, just how many messages like this children receive. Messages about what a boy 'should be' and what a girl 'should be' and messages about what matters for either gender (one feminist friend was shocked when she counted how many comments based on appearance her daughter received in a period of a couple of days compared to her son when she tried counting, including comments she made herself). Sending children these messages so many times, day in and day out, does have an effect. If we lived in an otherwise gender neutral world, I wouldn't care about the party. Because we don't, I would.

VerityClinch · 09/06/2013 08:13

My 3yo DD and 2yo DS just went to a "knights and princesses" party. At DD's insistence, they both went as knights (DS will go along with whatever DD tells him atm).

DD was the only girl knight there; by the end of the party DS had ditched his helmet and was wearing a sparkly tiara and had acquired a magic wand.

None of the children - or parents, come to that - batted an eyelid.

MadeOfStarDust · 09/06/2013 08:15

I'm a qualified engineer with a First in Maths- but I would still dress up as a princess - just because I was subjected to and followed stiff stereotyping as a girl does not mean a thing. I had parents who told me "girls do not wear trousers" and only bought me skirts - but also told me to embrace the world and do what I want to do, be what I want to be.

Stereotyping and female ambition can co-exist you know

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/06/2013 08:18

I think yabu. Tbh I think there are more important things to worry about.

feelathome · 09/06/2013 08:24

nettlefairy, take a look at this group
www.lettoysbetoys.org.uk/

YouCantTeuchThis · 09/06/2013 08:30

Prettykitty, of course there are many, more serious things to worry about but -thankfully-some of us are capable of holding more than one thought in our heads Smile

EATmum · 09/06/2013 08:34

YANBU
But I do find all the comments that you might be rather surprising. It is as if you caring about gender stereotyping is offensive in some way. Which baffles me, I must say.
With three DD I spend a lot of time unhappy at the messages our young people receive. Sure they can rebel against those messages and succeed anyway, but it seems like better parenting to try to make sure they hear positive things in the first place.

Cloverer · 09/06/2013 08:38

YANBU

It doesn't really matter if the kids had fun at the time - it's the stereotyping that is insidious.

How about if the theme of the party was "Cops and Robbers" and the entertainer said "right, all the black children have to be robbers and run away and hide, and all the white children are cops and need to go and find them".

Now, the children might have all had fun playing hide and seek, but is the stereotyping acceptable?

PetWoman · 09/06/2013 08:41

YANBU.

He should have chosen non gender-specific roles like pirates and pets. Then the kids who wanted to run around blasting monsters could have chosen to be pirates, and those who didn't could have pretended to be pussy-cats or dogs or whatever once the island was safe for them. It's not hard to do, and takes out the element of pigeonholing girls into 'princess' roles.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 08:45

You're new to the kids party scene, I take it? Pirates and Princesses is a fairly ubiquitous theme, which generally goes down a storm.
Most girls actively choose to be princesses, but those that want to be pirates, can. It's a little more unusual, but still perfectly fine for boys to go the princess route.
They're little kids, they don't take either pirates or princesses as their role models any more than the girls will take life lessons from Barbie when she raises her pretty ugly head.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 08:46

Oh FFS! Pirates and pets! Hmm

minouminou · 09/06/2013 08:47

YouSaid.... Surely you meant "...hold more than one thought in our pretty little heads..."?

We just make sure we counteract it at home, and give very dull, prosaic explanations. Like, if DS had asked why the entertainer had played the game in the OP's party, I'd have said something like: "Oh, he just made it up on the spur of the moment....no big deal..."

rainbowfeet · 09/06/2013 08:47

Jeez, I've always wondered why anyone would want to be a children's entertainer (too noisy & risk of looking a fool too high)!! But faced with you PC lot makes the job a nightmare!!.. I'm sure no kids were mentally scarred by being stereotyped for one bloody party game!! Get over yourselves!!!! Shock

Cloverer · 09/06/2013 08:51

It's not stereotyping for just one party though is it? It's constant stereotyping all through children's lives.

Why is it so terrible to object to gender stereotyping, when presumably everyone would object to racial stereotyping at a birthday party?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 09/06/2013 08:52

Pretty much every child's program has girls with strong roles, fire fighter, dr, bus/train driver, police officer, etc. it's not like everything they are exposed to has then as pretty and helpless little princesses. I very much doubt that one themed game will undo all that. It's not as if he said "all the girls have to be princesses no boys allowed"

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/06/2013 08:52

YANBU. I bought this book as one of many which I use to help my own DDS avoid being brainwashed.

The Night Pirates

It's about some rough, bad girl pirates who come to a boys room in the middle of the night and take him away on a flying galleon for an adventure.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/06/2013 08:54

YCTT- unnecessarily passive aggressive post there. But well done for your attempt at wit.

I just see it as a non-issue. It wouldn't have even entered my head. This world never has been and never will be completely gender neutral. It would be impossible for it to be so. It's an issue that as far as I see, cannot be 'fixed'.

As far as I see it, it's getting your knickers in a twist for a pretty pointless reason. Pirates and Princesses...not marketed to preschool children as completely gender-neutral, with a disclaimer that neither is better or more worthy than the other. Maybe as some have suggested with a history lesson to go with it. So what?

pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 08:54

Fgs it was just a party game, i do get all this stereotypes thing, but since when did boy & girl party games bring with it such outcry, only on mn.
In realife my friends would see this as a non-issue and simply an excuse to moan about the world.

minouminou · 09/06/2013 08:55

DD has a historical book on pirates.....what does feature a real life girl pirate!!!! Can't remember her name off-hand. Will have a shuftie later and come back.

MoleyMick · 09/06/2013 08:57

These threads are interesting. I would have been a bitHmm if the entertainer demanded that boys were pirates and girls were princesses but as long as my kids were getting a clear message from me that in real life they could be whatever they want then I wouldn't have really given it much thought.. And I realise that the issue is some children are not receiving that you-can-be-anything message at home but if that's the case then surely even the most non-gender-specific "pirates and royals" party won't make a huge amount of difference?
At my kids kindy they let boys roam around in tutus carrying dolls and girls attack the toolkits/cars though and nobody cares so I guess I don't come across this stereotyping as much as some.

bigkidsdidit · 09/06/2013 08:57

YANBU

TiggyD · 09/06/2013 08:58

Did the children with red hair have to be the monsters?

Because that would have been wrong too.

pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 08:59

And like moley said aslong as the boys and girls know they can be who they want, there isn't a problem.

Crowler · 09/06/2013 09:04

I don't have a daughter. If I did, I would resist the princess crap so mightily that I would hope to avoid such a party.

Once the party has actually arrived, all you can do is encourage your child to not limit herself/himself according to what's expected.

Cloverer · 09/06/2013 09:04

How about a cops and robbers party with white children as cops and black children as robbers?

Would anyone object to that? I mean, there are loads of positive black characters on pre-school TV too.

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