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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is pathetic and to be losing my patience? (re: seating at wedding)

86 replies

CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 17:56

My partner has two brothers and both will be ushers (getting married late July)

Both brothers/ushers will be sat on the front row at the church on the grooms side along with other close members of the family. Both brothers have partners, both are invited but neither are going to be sat on the front row - as there just really isn't enough room.

Both girlfriends get on really well and will be sat together in the church. BIL is complaining that he wants to sit next to his girlfriend and how unfair it is.

They will be sat together during the meal and can be together for the whole day, the girlfriend will be sat with other girlfriend at the church so not alone at all and yet he is still complaining.

Starting to lose my temper. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 20:27

I do also think a table plan is bridezilla

I think the vast majority of people do a table plan at a wedding, as there needs to be some organisation surely. A couple would want to sit together, but there might not be room left, you'd rather have the best man on the top table than an old uni friend etc.

To label people who do table plans a bridezilla makes that term redundant and meaningless - as the majority of people would make a seating plan.

A bridezilla is someone who for example would dictate what guests could wear, that a bridesmaid could not get pregnant or cut her hair.

OP posts:
Patchouli · 08/06/2013 20:29

a couple would want to sit together...."

M10s · 08/06/2013 20:38

As a few people have already mentioned CartwrightMiss, the Ushers would more traditionally be at the back.
In my experience, where a wedding layout is particularly traditional this does seem to take precedence over them being in the 'family pew' (i.e. if a family member, who would traditionally be at the front, also happens to be an Usher then they would be seated at or towards the back, as an Usher).

The reasoning behind this is practical. As the Ushers carry out their role, they are generally filling the church/space from the front (after the family pew), working their way back. They are also often giving out hymnbooks, helping elderly relatives, positioning pushchairs, etc etc. It is easier for them to fulfill their duties (without then getting in the way) if they are seated at the back or near the back.

Given this, wouldn't it take a lot of stress off the whole situation (not to mention off you) if you simply let them choose.

flowery · 08/06/2013 20:45

CartwrightMiss

Several people have suggested a number of times that you just let him sit with his partner. Is there any reason not to do that?

EuroShaggleton · 08/06/2013 20:46

Have you pointed out that if the girlfriends don't sit together, each one will be left on their lonesome while their OH is ushering and he will only be there for the ceremony itself, when you can't talk to one another anyway! Surely it's much better for them to sit together while the ushers are bobbing about ushering?

amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 20:50

patchouli do tell me how to organize a wedding meal without a seating plan.Shock

unless it is held in a McDonald's

nooka · 08/06/2013 21:04

We didn't have a seating plan, and neither did either of my sisters at their weddings. Everyone sat where they wanted to and it was not a problem in any way. I don't see why it is a necessary part of holding a wedding. Seems like a lot of work and worry/stress too trying to make sure that you have mixed everyone up in a particular way.

MrsWembley · 08/06/2013 21:08

I'm doing a seating plan, as a lot of my friends don't know each other very well, if at all, and it will be nice to mix them up so that they can bitch about me and get to know each other properly.Wink

Seriously not Bridezilla-ish at all. And, as amazing has already said, the table plans are given to the caterers so that everyone gets the meal they want and not someone else's/cold because the waiter/ess has been searching all over for them.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/06/2013 21:12

We are having a seating plan. For church and reception.

I am a bridezilla then. Ha. Who knew.

cees · 08/06/2013 21:18

Yanbu

Like someone said up thread tell him to sit with her but not in the wedding party pews at the front as obviously that's for bridesmaids, groomsmen.

Original poster
CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 21:29

a couple would want to sit together

Yes during a meal, which is social and you would talk and it would last longer than half an hour. Not during a short service where you wouldn't even hold a conversation.

The girlfriend has no problem with it, she will not be sat alone. I've only just heard about the brothers moaning - it is my partner that has told him to suck it up.

I agree, he should just suck it up - I'd rather not give into childish demands, because really where does it end?

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 21:31

wannabe and Mrswembley

we had 2 wedding days (3 days apart from each other) 1st day ended with a restaurant meal - top table for us and best man and bridesmaids, but rest of them sat where they wanted.

2nd day included massive reception for over 200 people - no seating plan
the evening meal and party was on a boat for 120 people, for people arriving from 8 different countries and therefore speaking a variety of languages.

shock - horror we had a seating plan! Shock
so weird of us to think that of our guest would prefer enjoying a conversation while having dinner instead of sitting in silence....how bossy is that?!

MulberryJane · 08/06/2013 21:34

YANBU but consider how he feels, he could be taking it as you don't think his girlfriend is part of the family. I know I felt like that at my now SIL's wedding - thousands of photos (family/friend/colleague mixes) that went on until the end of the night do and I was on only 1 (of all guests) because she didn't want her wedding pictures ruining if her brother and I broke up. It's ridiculous, but it might be that he feels a bit insecure, weddings do funny things to people! Don't give it too much thought, you should be enjoying the run up.

flowery · 08/06/2013 21:34

OP why can't he sit with her, in another row?

amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 21:43

oh my goodness, can people just read the OP's posts please, she is saying over and over again, that the girlfriends of both ushers are lovely and helpful and will be happy to sit wherever and they are good friends etc.

it's the BIL that has a problem, not the girlfriend.

Op, I suggest you just concentrate on what you want, it's your and your fiance's day.
I personally wouldn't give in to his tantrum, but if there's a happy compromise maybe you should try and find it, for YOUR and your fiance's sake.

if no compromise can be achieved and BIL is being a baby about it, maybe you could let your future husband deal with him.

job done.

I hope you have a lovely day and this is going to be your biggest problem on the day!Grin

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 08/06/2013 21:44

Much ado bout nuffink!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/06/2013 21:46

DPs best man wanted his partner, who, he had been with for two months at the time, was rude to DP and who I had met once, to sit at the top table.

Hmm

I should really get over myself. Imagine not wanting a stranger at my wedding top table.

nooka · 08/06/2013 21:48

I don't think that seating plans are bridezillla particularly, I just don't think that they are a requirement. I've only once been to a wedding that had a formal sit down bring your meal to you type set up, and it did have a seating plan. dh and I didn't know anyone and it was a very uncomfortable affair, it felt really odd to be forced to sit and talk with people we didn't know, and it turned out didn't really like. (plus there was a really really long wait for the food and ds got quite antsy). The other weddings I've been to all had buffets, so there was lots of chatting in the line and less formality, which was much less socially awkward.

flowery · 08/06/2013 21:52

"it's the BIL that has a problem, not the girlfriend."

Can't see what difference it makes. Confused Whoever it is that has the problem, the OP won't say why it's so important the BIL can't sit with his partner. Why not just let him sit where he likes? Surely it's not worth all the for the sake of a principle of not giving in to a request from someone?!

amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 21:54

that is correct nooka it is not a requirement, nor it is a bridezilla thing.
it is a very helpful tool. in some cases absolutely necessary.

and I've been to only one wedding so far where there wasn't one - it was the theme that made it unnecessary.

so why would patchouli think it is a bridezilla thing is beyond me...

Original poster
CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 21:54

I hope you have a lovely day and this is going to be your biggest problem on the day!

Thank you Smile x

OP posts:
Original poster
CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 21:56

YANBU but consider how he feels, he could be taking it as you don't think his girlfriend is part of the family

I'm not sure as the other girlfriend (who the other brother has dated for much longer) isn't a bridesmaid or sat on the front row and all three of us get on really well.

But do see what you're saying.

OP posts:
Concreteblonde · 08/06/2013 22:00

YABU and Bridezilla.

Seating plans in church are ridiculous. Take a seat, not a side Wink

(And using the fact that some random cousin might sit in the front room and bump your parents to the back is a tad ridiculous)

amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 22:00

flowery

the clue is literally in the title- well in the original post.

1.they can't sit in the front row together - not enough room

2.he is expected to sit in front row as are other close family members.

how is that difficult to understand? sorry, I'm getting rude now, but this could not be simpler.

Original poster
CartwrightMiss · 08/06/2013 22:03

Whoever it is that has the problem, the OP won't say why it's so important the BIL can't sit with his partner. Why not just let him sit where he likes?

Well the way the ceremony will run is there are 3 ushers/groomsmen (1 best man) who will stand in a line at the front of the church and then the 3 bridesmaids will stand on the other side.

Then be seated during the actual ceremony and then walk out with the bridesmaids.

I just think it will look odd that once I've reached the front of the aisle and the vicar says "please be seated" that BIL won't take a seat with his brothers at the front and would rather walk to which ever row his girlfriend is sat on and then walk back to the front for him to walk down the aisle again.

I'd have wanted her on the front row if it was possible, but with 3 ushers/groomsmen, one set of parents and grand parents there just isn't room. Especially not for both girlfriends and I wouldn't want to pick one over the other as it's like saying I like this one better or see her as more important - which is not the case.

OP posts:
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