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Original poster

Did I handle this situation properly or should I have not said anything?

55 replies

FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 09:45

Involves FB sorry!

I was flicking through and saw that a friends 12/13 year old daughter had commented on a photo of a boy who attends her school calling him a 'retarded spaz'. There were several comments from other pupils calling him names and being horrible.

My first thought was to comment on the photo to ask her why she was using such awful language and telling her she was a bully, but decided that wouldn't help so text her mum (my friend) saying:

Hi, how are you, lovely weather, I think I must be getting old as I just saw xxx commenting on a photo of a kid calling him a rxxxxx sxxx and I nearly commented on it that I didn't think she was a bully and didn't to read that sort of thing from her. Fancy meeting for coffee next week? xx

That was last night, she didn't reply and the comment is still there. I wouldn't be happy if it was one of my dc that had written it and wouldve made them remove it. Should I have ignored it? Worded the text differently?

OP posts:
Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 09:46

Sorry typos - I didn't expect to read that sort of thing from her.

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 09:49

Perhaps it would be better to take a screen shot of the whole post and report it to the school. It's bullying by multiple students and is unacceptable.

HollyBerryBush · 08/06/2013 09:50

Maybe the daughter is at a sleep over and the mother hasn't had an opportunity to speak to her yet?

I have to say, if it is posted from a phone, if anyone can tell me where the delete button is I would be grateful!

lottiegarbanzo · 08/06/2013 09:51

Well I wouldn't have used the word bully. I think you were right to raise it with the mother - though why can't anyone make a simple phone call these days, it saves wondering what the reaction was!

By whatever method, I'd have kept things factual and perhaps mentioned your reaction; surprise, bit upset on boys behalf. Not, moved to insulting the girl back. Focus on the action, not on defining people.

ExitPursuedByABear · 08/06/2013 09:53

Unfortunately Spaz and mong seem to be the casual insults of choice amongst young teens at the moment. I am surprised the words have resurfaced. My brother lives in South Africa and I heard these words out there a couple of years ago. I thought their culture had not yet 'grown up' and moved on, but maybe they were the vanguard. Sad

HollyBerryBush · 08/06/2013 09:53

Again, the way teens pass their phones round, it may not have been her posting.

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/06/2013 09:58

If one of my children had done that they wouldn't be in a position to bully on the Internet again until they could be trusted to not do so.

BackforGood · 08/06/2013 10:00

I agree with lottie - if you were going to raise it with her Mum, then why not phone her and actually speak to her. Texts are a) so open to misinterpretation of tone, and b) you don't know if she's read it and you don't know what the Mum's said / done / going to do / feels about you saying something.
I would challenge her,(the dd) but I would probably do it either face to face - if it's someone I see - or by PM if it's someone that doesn't live close enough to see, not in front of the whole world on FB perhaps.

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 10:02

I think it was a conversation best had face to face, although I see you wanted it removed quickly so did not have the opportunity for that. A phone call would have been better than a text though. You would have got an aimmediate reaction from her and known what the outcome was going to be.

Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 10:06

I felt awkward phoning, I wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say without offending. I know she has had a bit of trouble with her daughter recently, and didn't want to add to it by phoning specifically to say her daughter was acting out on fb.

I have gone back and taken a screen shot, I feel awful for the boy, imagining how my ds would feel if it was him. And oddly I am really disappointed in friends daughter, I have known her since she was born, and just thought she was nicer than this.

OP posts:
CwtchesAndCuddles · 08/06/2013 10:23

I think you were right to act but wrong to do it by text.

I have pulled by niece up for something she posted on fb, turns out her mother wrote it!!! But it was her account and she hadn't deleted it so she deserved to here what I said to her - she then deleted the comments.

2kidsintow · 08/06/2013 10:30

I'd also say report it to the school and provide evidence.
My DD's school had the police in a few weeks ago as there had been some nastiness online similar to what you describe. The school gave the pupil involved the chance to come forward, then got the schools liason service officer in to talk to them. It certainly impressed on my child that it isn't a bit of harmless silliness to do that sort of thing. She was horrified at what had been said about a different pupil.

alpinemeadow · 08/06/2013 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 08/06/2013 10:51

No, you were right to say something.

If the comment is still up, take a screenshot of it and contact your friend again, and say that you are concerned nothing has been done and say you will have to "take it further" (and have a think about what that might involve...report to school...police even?) if the comment is not deleted.

Branleuse · 08/06/2013 11:07

you called her daughter a bully, then acted like youd said nothing. Thats cowardly

I would have said something at the time TO the girl, and then told the mother

CaptainSweatPants · 08/06/2013 11:09

I think you were daft to text her

flippinada · 08/06/2013 11:21

I agree that texting is probably not the best way to go about communicating something like this.

I think, given she's a friend, face to face or over telephone is best because a text is rather blunt and may not come across as intended - plus you don't have the verbal/physical cues that you get from a proper conversation with a text.

aftermay · 08/06/2013 11:23

Texting is fine. She can take her time to compose an answer.

Calling the bullying behaviour by what it is, also fine.

You raised the issue. She can deal with it. Or get angry with you for bringing it up. You'll know soon. YOU did nothing wrong.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/06/2013 11:24

I would have also said something to the girl- kids are far less cocky when an adult is asking them about their despicable nasty behaviour

MrsBertMacklin · 08/06/2013 11:24

Unfortunately I think your point got lost in that text and I'd have read that as a passive aggressive dig as my parenting, rather than concern than the comment had been made.

TSSDNCOP · 08/06/2013 11:26

I'd have been very angry with a DC that had written that on FB, and I bet your friend was too.

But, I'd have been pretty pissed off by your shit sandwich text too TBH.

flippinada · 08/06/2013 11:28

That's true - but texts don't always come across well , look at the misunderstanding that goes on here all the time.

Agree that it's fine to call bullying behaviour what it is.

It may be your friend us ashamed and horrified by her daughter's behaviour (I would be) and doesn't know how to react..but if you don't speak to her she won't know. Maybe give her a ring and say you were worried she didn't respond so you are just following up?

Pagwatch · 08/06/2013 11:30

The wording of your text was terrible but I would have wanted to know.

Posting shit like that is unacceptable and my child would be saying goodbye to use of the computer for a very long time.

I would alert the school that this boy is being bullied

decaffwithcream · 08/06/2013 11:31

The text unfortunately does come across as flippant/passive aggressive which I understand is not what you intended at all. What you had to say was difficult (for you to say and her mum to hear) so dressing it up with small talk and a jokey manner was unlikely to go down well.

flippinada · 08/06/2013 11:38

Sorry..that should say you won't know, not she won't know.