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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I handle this situation properly or should I have not said anything?

55 replies

FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 09:45

Involves FB sorry!

I was flicking through and saw that a friends 12/13 year old daughter had commented on a photo of a boy who attends her school calling him a 'retarded spaz'. There were several comments from other pupils calling him names and being horrible.

My first thought was to comment on the photo to ask her why she was using such awful language and telling her she was a bully, but decided that wouldn't help so text her mum (my friend) saying:

Hi, how are you, lovely weather, I think I must be getting old as I just saw xxx commenting on a photo of a kid calling him a rxxxxx sxxx and I nearly commented on it that I didn't think she was a bully and didn't to read that sort of thing from her. Fancy meeting for coffee next week? xx

That was last night, she didn't reply and the comment is still there. I wouldn't be happy if it was one of my dc that had written it and wouldve made them remove it. Should I have ignored it? Worded the text differently?

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GoblinGranny · 08/06/2013 11:43

Screenshot and school, make a note of the names as well.
Thank you for not ignoring it.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/06/2013 11:51

I think, if you are going to use text, you have to use suitably simple phrase structure and address the recipient directly. Your phrasing was far too complex for the medium.

Also avoid using a strongly emotive word like bully, when understanding its context relies on taking in the rest of a complex message, calmly. The risk is that mother reads 'blah, blah, daughter bully, coffee?'

If you can't help 'writing as you talk'; resorting to reported speech or thoughts, conditional phrases and changing the subject (person) every sentence (you, daughter, mother), you need to use a medium that allows that style of communication to be understood, like conversation.

Still, good that you raised it with the mother. Maybe give her a chance to respond, then call to clarify and offer to email the screen shot.

aftermay · 08/06/2013 11:56

It's not about dressing it up. It's about allowing the other person to 'save face'. Isn't that the bases of social interaction? Outside of MN, where bluntness is (over)valued.

Cerisier · 08/06/2013 11:57

I would have raised it by ringing the mum and asking her to take a look at what was on her daughter's FB page. I would just say there was some not nice stuff and she should see it.

I wouldn't judge or accuse, teens are unthinkingly horrible at times and they need pulling up on it, but in a way whereby they can move on and face everyone afterwards when it is friends and family. Obviously schools act in a more formal way.

I would screen shot and then wait and see what happened.

Coconutty · 08/06/2013 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoblinGranny · 08/06/2013 12:00

'I would screen shot and then wait and see what happened.;

Why? there is more than one individual involved, including the victim.
Why wait?

Iamsparklyknickers · 08/06/2013 13:08

Tbf if the mother looks at fb, it's pretty clear that her daughter is bullying.

I think I would take that text as someone feeling really awkward about having to draw my attention to it. I might be outraged at first, but would calm down soon enough and gain some perspective - probably after ripping the DD a new one....

Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 13:16

Seems I ballsed the text up then, I was aiming for 'mentioning it in passing but not making and issue of it' but ended up with a passive aggressive shit sandwich.

I tried calling this morning but got no answer, I don't think she will be offended with me, I've known her since I was 5 years old so think hope she won't hold it against me. She hasn't been herself lately though, she has been pretty stressed. I was hoping that the comment would've been removed after I text, but I'm not entirely sure she will see it as a problem to be honest. She will just think its not very nice whereas I think its a pretty discusting thing to write.

I've taken a screen shot and will take it up to the school on Monday, I feel slightly crap about getting a friends daughter into trouble but I bet that's nothing compared to how the boy will feel when he sees the comments that have been written about him.

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Floggingmolly · 08/06/2013 16:38

Yes, think about how the boy will feel; then whether your friend will "see it as a problem" or not (Hmm) won't matter.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/06/2013 17:38

Good, yes the boy's feelings do matter more and this girl wasn't the only one involved. I hope the school deal with it well.

pigletmania · 08/06/2013 17:42

I would ave said the bully word but tat you have seen a photo in Facebook of. Boy at school, and your dd has used some inappropriate comments about him, take a screen shot and text it to her

pigletmania · 08/06/2013 17:42

I would not have said te bully word sorry

BriansBrain · 08/06/2013 17:53

I'm glad you have decided to inform the school, the boy must be feeling awful Sad

A phone call probably would have been better and if it was my DD the comment would be removed (I would have to figure out how to do it first)Blush and her privilege removed before I could trust her again.

SarahAndFuck · 08/06/2013 17:55

I think you have done the right thing in contacting your friend and I hope she takes your text the way you intended it. As you have known each other for so long she probably knows your 'text style' and will understand.

However if she has been a bit stressed lately she might not have tackled the issue yet and that might be why the comments are still there.

My niece was bullied on Facebook with name calling and insults and it culminated in her being beaten black and blue one day and having to change schools. My brother and SIL didn't know about the Facebook issue until after she had been attacked and they would have appreciated someone speaking up for her in the way you have for this boy.

TheRealFellatio · 08/06/2013 18:00

I think you would have been better to just post 'Oh dear - that's not a very kind thing to say. I thought you were better than that' on her wall, as her mother would not have been able to argue with that, nor feel a bit slighted that you were telling tales or attacking her daughter by telling tales.

I also think you could/should have reported it to the school.

However, given that you chose to text her and tackle her about it, it is entirely possible that she hasn't even seen the text yet, hence no response. I don't look at my phone from morning until last thing at night sometimes.

Either that or she is smarting a bit and doesn't know what to say to you, so is choosing to ignore it.

Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 19:00

She text me up say she could've answer the phone around lunch time as the dc were playing up, so I left it a few hours and called back. She sounds quite worn down to be honest, I think her daughters behaviour is playing a big part in that. She didn't mention the text, I did. I asked if she had a chance to look at the Facebook comments (she is on her dds Facebook so wouldve seen exactly the same as I would) and she said she had and had told her dd that it wasn't very nice.... But the comment is still there. She hasn't made her remove it. I did say that I was going to take it to the school and suggested that she told her dd to delete the comment as it would look better on her. But she hasn't.

She wasn't offended with me, but didn't seem to think it was very important. She is one of the nicest women I have ever known, she really is, and she would normally have cared but I think its low down on a list of her troubles at the moment. Her DD has been running away among other things. So I won't push the issue with her but will definitely go to the school because I can't watch bullying and do nothing.

I'm going to my friends for a cuppa next week, think she could do with a friend at the moment.

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flippinada · 08/06/2013 19:05

Given that you've approached her about it and I think passing this on to the school, as you are planning to do, is a good idea.

Hopefully it will mean the bullying is dealt with and your friend and her daughter will get some support, if it's needed - and it sounds like it might be.

Floggingmolly · 08/06/2013 19:18

She didn't seem to think it was very important.
She is one of the nicest women I've ever known
Two very conflicting statements there; unless you've genuinely known some real low life's. How could your child behaving like this be of no importance?

Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 19:20

She did say that the school has arranged counselling, and that the police had been involved over the last couple of months. I haven't really kept up with her the last few weeks as I had a baby and have been in a sleep deprived haze. I did notice she had been a bit quiet but it just went straight out of my head again.

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flippinada · 08/06/2013 19:36

That sounds very worrying.

FloggingMolly my interpretation would be - just going on what Four has said - that the mother is stressed up to her eyeballs and now she's been presented with yet another awful thing her daughter has done that she has to deal with.

I'd bet the daughter's done a lot worse than making some nasty comments on FB if the police have been involved.

CabbageLooking · 08/06/2013 19:43

FWIW I think you did the right thing to mention it and the right thing to pass it on to the school and you're being a really lovely and supportive friend. Bullying, while it has horrible consequences, often is a by-product of other issues and this girl clearly has many. You have taken a thoughtful, considerate and kind approach to the issue and I fail to see what else you could do.

helenthemadex · 08/06/2013 20:18

sounds to me like your friend is at her wits end and just doesn't know what to do, maybe she is worried if she makes a huge fuss with her daughter she will run away again it could possibly be the tip of the iceberg

I think you are doing the right thing in bringing it to the attention of the school, the poor boy

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 21:02

You sound like such a lovely person!! You are trying so hard to deal with a difficult situation, and are doing it right IMO!!

Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard · 08/06/2013 21:25

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think you are being a busybody.

First, you're snooping on people on Facebook who are nothing to do with you. Then you see the comment, which yes, is disgusting, but it's one of those awful phrases that kids use lightly and don't understand why it is so despicable. They need educating not damning.

Then you send a frankly very weird message to your friend, 'Hi, nice weather, your daughter is a bully, let's have a coffee'.

Then you phone your friend, and find out she's having a really hard time, but you still plan to go to the school with the 'evidence' which is absolutely sweet F.A. to do with you and cause more trouble in her life.

Chances are, the boy doesn't read much into the normal teen language (and no, I'm not excusing it, just saying it won't feel the same to him as it would to one of us oldies) and would say the same back, given half a chance.

What are you hoping to achieve here? Your friend has spoken to her daughter. You can't MAKE her parent the way you think she should.

Original poster
FourLittleDudes · 08/06/2013 21:37

If being a busybody helps stop some poor lad from being bullied then I'm happy to be one. I wasn't snooping btw, it came up on my news feed. It was bullying and it was cruel, I can tell the difference between teasing and bullying. I'm sorry my friends daughter is having a hard time but its not this lads problem, as adults and as parents we have a responsibility to step in dont we? I would want some one to bring it up with me if it was me ds writing things like that on fb and I would also want someone to report it to the school if things were being written about my ds.

Text message was a bit odd, I was trying not to make a big deal out of it, but l

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