To want to give my elderly neighbour "a shake"?

[SgtTJCalhoun]

Neighbour just came out at the same time as I did as I let the dog out. He asked where dc were. I told him still in PJ's. He then informed me:-

EN: that boy of yours should be walking that dog by now.

(ds is 10 and has high functioning autism, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and hypermobility - the neighbour knows this, has been told repeatedly)

Me: well he's not really up to that.

ED: what you need to do is MAKE that boy think for himself, he needs a good shake (along with demonstrating physically with his hands and arms what "a good shake" would look like).

Me: you haven't got a clue I am afraid, have a nice day!

Honestly I feel like banging my head against a brick wall sometimes.

Me: oh he's

It happens all the time doesn't it?
Especially if your DC don't conform to expected norms.
No he hasn't got a clue, but you gave him more information than he needed, and he used it as ammunition.
'Where's your DC?' does not require an honest answer.
'Designing a poster campaigning for compulsory euthanasia of the over 70s'
'Doing his homework'

Don't let him get to you, honestly.
Very annoying but ultimately what he thinks is irrelevant, what is important is you and your son, not your neighbour.

Hope you are feeling ok

at designing a poster for compulsory euthanasia for the over 70's.

I am fine thanks, it's just so bloody tedious and actually quite depressing. It's just do constant. How can there be so little general understanding for something t affects so many?

My daughter has HFA too. She is only 5 though, so a lot of her 'quirks' are still dismissed by friends and family because of her age.

Many people have a very one dimensional view of autism spectrum disorder. They can't understand just how vast the spectrum is.

People with Asperger's and high functioning autism are often piled with pressure because at times they can appear to be so NT and are accused of 'putting it on', 'playing up', 'acting like a baby'.

If I were you, i'd print off a info sheet from the t'internet about HFA and post it through the neighbour's door.

There just is. Especially if like mine 'But he looks so normal'
A lot of people are unsympathetic to an invisible disability, or are grumpy and worried about 'The Youth of Today' or are opinionated arseholes.
I tend to go off-piste fairly quickly, it disconcerts the hard of thinking quickly and disorientates them.
DS does it naturally, DD is AS but very bright and does love to discombobulate the pompous out of sheer mischief.

My friends and family drive me crazy actually whenever they say things like ' oh, she'll grow out of it.'

Or 'I used to be like that when I was little'.

My dd has a wonderful imagination, is very sociable, very affectionate - so apparently she can't possibly be autistic. If she was truly autistic, she would be screaming every two minutes, hitting people whenever they looked at her, wouldn't be able to talk, wouldn't be able to smile etc etc.

She was diagnosed with HFA at 3yo. I thought that would be the solid proof my family/friends would need, but no. The 18 months of assessments prior to diagnosis, the various reports and observations from specialists were all made up of course.

Maybe he's touched a nerve in some way, hit upon something you are really concious of ?
It's just - going only on what you've written - it sounds like a neighbour just trying to have a friendly chat / pass the time of day rather than particularly commenting on anyone's individual ability. Folks say things all the time that are just meant as 'chat' and can be easily responded to without being rude.

This neighbour genuinely won't understand. My MIL is the same. She thinks that all people with depression just need to pull themselves together because she relly doesn't understand about mental issues at all. In their day these things weren't diagnosed. It is just plain ignorance.

Right. So if you went over to someone in crutches/a wheelchair and said, "It's about time you got up and tried to walk without those things. What you need is a shake," that would be considered 'just having a friendly chat'?

Of course it wouldn't.

But of course, autism is allowed to be dismissed and treated with such little respect because it's invisible.

Really, BackForGood?

'ED: what you need to do is MAKE that boy think for himself, he needs a good shake'

That's not polite chat, that's a criticism of the OP's parenting and a judgement on what would be the most efficient method of changing the DS's attitude.
Polite conversation is 'DS is in his pj's'
'Oh, it's lovely to have the chance to lie around at the weekend, isn't it?'

Our elderly neighbour thanked us for our DS during the really bad snow.
She didn't know anything about AS, but she does now.
He'd just come back from doing the shopping with a sled and was 2" deep in frost, but he yelled 'I'm off out again' so I unpacked and thought nothing of it.
He'd apparently stopped her from falling over on her way out and said 'That's just stupid, you are too old to go shopping and walking on the ice. Give me your list and the money'
She protested a bit and he pointed out that he could do it and she was being stupid and that three miles in the snow would probably kill her.. So she overlooked the rudeness, he dropped off our shopping and then went back up to town with her list.
Stomp, stomp, stomp. 6 miles in a blizzard. No social skills.

Ignore, ignore ignore& ignore!!

My Ds has ASD & ADHD. Massive sensory issues etc etc. Ds is in a special school. My dad asks me nearly everytime i speak to him if ds is 'better' now...

Unless you are the parents/sibling or live with a person with ASD you can not understand the complexity of the individual. I know alot about ASD & ADHD. I know alot about my Ds but it dosnt mean i understand your Ds.

Your neighbour might have just been passing the time of day but it sounded judgmental & critical to me. You know what your dc is capable of. Take no notice & carry on as you are.

Take care of yourself.

This

He sounds so lovely goblingranny

What nerve might he have touched backforgood?

So with you Five - DS2 is only 4 and HFA. A lot if his behaviour is cute/acceptable now but will not be in a couple of years.

It's gobsmacking what people think it's acceptable to say.

DD's friend's mum: "I don't see why autism should make going to church difficult" (Catholic school, she's meant to be going every Sunday at the moment as she's about to do her first holy communion).

I do go, but not always and hasn't been that day as my DH was away and straight after church is the communion class, which meant for him sitting still for a further hour after being stressed out at crush of people, echoey noise levels etc and also we hadn't had time to go to the park that morning and he really needs regular physical activity because he also has sensory processing disorder.

I couldn't be bothered to explain to her though; she was obviously one

It's always so good to hear about others going through the same.

Honestly I am not just being touchy. I posted a few months ago about a "discussion" I had with the same neighbour when he told me ds should be in school and he was going to report me to the authorities because he isn't - ds is home educated because if his issues.

Accidentally pressed post!

She was obviously one of those people who think autism is just made up.

Love that story GoblinGranny!

Lovely story Goblin - you must be very proud of your Ds.

Social skills?! meh. I reckon he has as good, just slightly different way of showing his social skills. Not many 'typical ' teenagers would be so generous to their neighbour. Hes sounds lovely!

My Dd has no such difficulties and she is certainly not up early walking the dog! No yanbu, that is bloody annoying and must be extremely wearing.

Forgot to say Sgt doesn't sound like you're just being touchy to me. "He needs a shake" is definitely not on.

One needs to have such a thick skin

He's 18, and we've encountered a lot of lovely people on the way, many of whom hadn't got a clue about the spectrum but who were just decent human beings.
We've met judgemental and nasty and mocking as well, opinionated and ignorant and cruel, but we've always tried to hold onto the good stuff and laugh rather than cry when things go very wrong.
Don't always manage, there are many arses that need a metaphorical boot up them, but it will damage your karma to dwell on them.

Yes because saying a child needs a good shake is a really friendly thing to say backforgood
My dd is nearly 3 and we are currently going through the process of having her assessed for autism. I know people don't really understand unless they are going through it themselves but I don't find the "she'll grow out of it" comments particularly helpful.

Your neighbour needs to get a life.

My skin is as thick....well its bloody thick.
But sometimes i can't ignore the utter crap that falls out of peoples mouths.

I had a mmc 3 months ago. I told my sister i needed to go into hospital for an op. Her reply? ' Omg Im gonna be sick' . i asked her if it was because of the mmc. She replied, 'No it was the thought of you being pregnant again, i mean what if it turned out like your ds'.

I couldn't reply!

Unfortunately its par for the course, I wouldn't shake the neighbour but I would amuse myself by thinking up creative comments.