To want to give my elderly neighbour "a shake"?

[SgtTJCalhoun]

Neighbour just came out at the same time as I did as I let the dog out. He asked where dc were. I told him still in PJ's. He then informed me:-

EN: that boy of yours should be walking that dog by now.

(ds is 10 and has high functioning autism, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and hypermobility - the neighbour knows this, has been told repeatedly)

Me: well he's not really up to that.

ED: what you need to do is MAKE that boy think for himself, he needs a good shake (along with demonstrating physically with his hands and arms what "a good shake" would look like).

Me: you haven't got a clue I am afraid, have a nice day!

Honestly I feel like banging my head against a brick wall sometimes.

Me: oh he's

Shelly I'm not sure I could have refrained from hitting her!

We were on the phone!

Needless to say i had very little too with her after that.

She confronted me as to why i was being so distant with her a few weeks ago. I told her why. She seemed to think she was totally entitled to voice her opinion as i had spoken to her about how difficult family life has been the last few years.

I agree she has the right to her opinion. As i have the right to tell her i consider her opinion to be load of b####ks!

To be fair, it's not just autism he doesn't know about.

I'd not let any 10 year old take a dog out by themselves.

Lovely story uppost

tbh any child shouldn't be walking a dog - not unless its old and responsible enough to pick up the dogs poo.

'Lovely story uppost'

But it's not just about DS, the neighbour could have been outraged and offended.
He called her old and stupid and said that she might die!
He's huge and gruff with little facial expression, he could have terrified her.
She could have hated him for the rest of his natural life.
But as well as being old and fragile, she was wise and generous of spirit.

Goblingranny, what a lovely young man you have.

OP I think you handled your neighbour well.

Other people [without the first clue] and their infinite wisdom eh!

Ive had the 'but he looks normal' and 'really? he's autistic?' as though their untrained eye knows more than the numerous professionals who diagnosed him!

...and lovely neighbour too.

Oh bloody hell, some people are morons.
I had an examinations officer who fucked up ds2s exams recently tell me he was too old for a tantrum and needed to be taught self discipline and control, whilst he was having a complete meltdown due to said exam officer's enormous cock-up.
He is no longer in post.

(DS2 is eighteen, by the way).

Just don't engage with him.
Deflect any questions or comments with something non-committal.

(Slightly) in his defence, his generation would not have any knowledge of autism, aspergers, adhd or dyspraxia, and those children would just be considered 'naughty'. And as you are neighbours and not family, there is no investment for him to learn any different. It's easier to be judgemental.

So don't engage.

OP, YANBU.

I'd like to think that nearly 14 years of dealing with ADHD and it's various comorbid conditions would give me a tougher skin, but sometimes things just get to you. I think it's the glee and smugness with which some people pontificate at me, as though they're pleased I have this crap to deal with because it shows me up as a parent and they're so much better at parenting than I am.

I have experienced both kindness and acceptance beyond words for my DC and the most shocking opposite from people I had thought were in my corner.
Shelley there are no words.

He asked where dc were.

I think given this neighbors previous behavior I'd have responded with why - as in what is it to do with you asked politely.

This neighbor isn't going to change - so all you can do is engage less and offer less information as ammunition.

Oh, yes people with depression just need to pull themselves together (no one had depression in the olden days y'know!) and my with aspergers should talk about something other than cars otherwise his brain won't develop properly. (This one was actually said to my DS when he was 8 by his grandmother. And grandparents on both sides of the family have told me a good hard smack would sort him out. (You've got to laugh or you'd cry)

And I wouldn't let my 10yo take a dog out for a walk, even if we had one.

I should have Loa, the run ins don't happen very often so I forget I need to be nasty .

We had an OT who wrote a report about ds, stating he was "extremely naughty" and had "absolutely no willingness when told by his mother to adapt his actions, in spite of the risks of injury to himself and others around him".

No fucking shit Sherlock!

Last I heard she did NOT get the job she had applied for at that centre.

FWIW I would stop giving the neighbour quite so much of your son's medical information, he has no need to know.

'FWIW I would stop giving the neighbour quite so much of your son's medical information, he has no need to know.'

It's insidious though, it creeps up on you.
Starts with 'Why is he walking like that?' and your choice of response.
You might think by saying dyspraxia and hypermobility and explaining a bit that you are beginning to create a climate in your street where he can go out and have some understanding, a bit of acceptance rather than gawping.
Sometimes it works.
Often it doesn't.

I've only ever told him he has autism.

Your neighbour is an arse.

I'm shocked at all the people who wouldn't let a NT ten year old walk a dog, though. Really?

Sounds reasonable to me.
Your neighbour isn't worth the bother TBH, really not.
Nip into The Goose and Carrot later and have a brew.
I may bring an omelette, it's getting a bit out of hand now.

Fair enough Sgt, the "the neighbour knows this - he has been told repeatedly" line in your OP had me thinking something else.

Also fair enough Goblin, I can see how releasing more information than intended could creep up on you. I wasn't criticising though, more seeing it from the DS's point of view, because it's something my mum used to do when I was sick as a child.

Here's to the neighbour pissing off and minding his own in future!

Well to be honest I wouldn't either Alma I wouldn't expect a ten year old to know what to do if the dog was attacked or got into a fight etc.

I'll drink to that!!

I would of said, well what you need is a bloody good slap!! (I'm a mother of a severely autistic son.)

My ds was diagnosed very late (autistic spectrum) and we were very selective about whom we told, but still found that some of those we told reacted negatively, basically disagreed with the diagnosis. So as a result I didn't ever choose to tell more people.

I think your neighbour needs a good shake.

One thing is, as well, that in years gone by, people with various problems like HFA, autism and similar wouldn't have lived with their families, they would have been in a children's home (for want of a more depressing description).
Many older people probably think that if someone's at home, they can't be that bad and do should just bloody well buck up, etc etc....