Can you tell me if we’re being unreasonable or she is? (sorry long)

[Isitmeorher]

I have worked with this lovely bloke for a couple of years. We were both made redundant last year. I got a new job near where I live and was able to put in a good word for him, and he managed to get a job there too. But it was further away from his home so he and his wife agreed it would be better for him to stay local during the week, rather than the exhausting commute. Rather than stay in the City he rents in a village near me.

I?ve always been able to talk to him and him to me. I went through a bad break up and I was able to cry on his shoulder, discuss everything that went wrong. He really helped. He also opened up to me about his marital problems, and I hope I'm helping him.

He is the only one at my new job that knows I have bad OCD. I hate anything to do with touching, and cannot handle stuff if others have. So if someone leaves anything like a jumper on my chair, he has to come up and move it for me. He also comes to help me with my horses occasionally, and we have walks together.

I lent him a couple of self-help books and told him that I thought his wife was unhappy because of the lack of affection. He started sending her texts, and would kiss and cuddle her as soon as he got home etc. Just generally being more touchy feely. Buying her little gifts (flowers, chocolate etc)

Instead of being happier his wife got more upset.

She has now accused us of having an emotional affair. I have issues with intimacy so I don?t want a sexual relationship, but I like having a male friend who treats me now and again, and who I can spend time with just talking. I can and do tell him anything and he?s the same with me. He says he cannot talk to her as it would embarrass him if he came across as weak. He feels he has to protect her. I know he has lied to her about how often he sees me outside of work and he deletes all the texts we send each other, so she doesn't get upset. But she has found out about all this.

She got him to fill out the questionnaire in the Shirley Glass? book NOT Just Friends. He scored 5 out of 8 which is apparently not good. He also answered Yes to the question as to whether he loves me or not ? but only as a friend, as I love him. I would do anything for him and he for me. He also said No to the Touching question as I don?t like being touched so it was irrelevant to our friendship.

She is also upset as she feels that he is only friends with me as I?m the opposite of her in looks. She has low self-esteem issues, she cannot get out of the house as she has to care for their ill child. She has put on weight, can?t get her hair done, go to the gym etc So she also feels she bores him. Apparently she says that if I was old and ugly this friendship wouldn?t have happened.

She is now saying that he has to stop our friendship or leave her.

It?s not my fault she?s insecure so why shouldn?t I keep seeing this lovely man, it's not as if we're having sex.

So is she BU or are we?

You know what you have to do now. I feel for you, I have been there. So sorry that I was right about it being a reverse AIBU!!

What - you are the wife? Sorry OP this is wierd.

Oops, sorry, didn't read to the end of the thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1760641-I-dont-know-if-Im-being-unreasonable-so-Im-asking-for-an-MN-perspective

Have never posted a link before, and am rubbish with computers, so I hope this works! Was this the original thread?

He is not even very good at making excuses is he- picking her up at 8pm so she doesn't have to walk home in the dark.....it's not dark until about 10pm at the moment!

There is no point in meeting with or talking to this other woman. You just need to get rid of him. He's a lying cheating gobshite and his lying about the texts pretty much proves he's lying about the 'just friends' element too.

Good luck OP. he doesn't deserve you and you deserve much better.

No, he is definitely crossing the line into affair territory if he is lying this much, sorry. He is trying to make her sound harmless and you the big meany for suggesting she is manipulating him. He isn't really taking responsibility for the fact he is lying to you, encouraging her and has PICTURES OF HER! that he can show you to see what she looks like - Wtf?!

I think he and her both know what is going on here, he is trying to make her slightly loopy so she isn't as threatening to you. He is making you focus on her and not him.

I would love to hear what she thinks is going on!

If there is no trust, there is no point IMO.
I think you need to tell him his lies are worse than whatever emotional affair (if that is all it is) as it means he is choosing to side with her over you. Trust is so so hard to get, and so so much harder to get back.

I can understand the wife's point of view esoecially as the h is away a lot, but it is possible to have a n exceptionally close friendship with the opposite sex without sex coming into the equation. My bestest friend is male, and I could tell him anything. We both consoled each other through nasry breakups (very separate, mine first then his after id settled down with oh). Then his oh pulled the same jealous stunt, which came from nowhere - I'd moved away long before. I know he feels the need to conduct secret chats with me and his other female friends, which I tell him is stupid becuase it looks like he's confirming her suspicions. But he loves her and wants to keep his friends he had from long before she was around and he feels this is the only way he can have both without getting into tons or arguments or losing friends.

BTW, oh doesn't give a stuff if I chat to him all day long (not that I do). He knows he's an old and dear friend and as far as he's concerned he has no rights to tell me who I can and can't be friends with.

Could you not let it drop that your dh leaves skiddies in his pants and doesn't wash his hands after the loo? Not to mention the nose and feet picking...
seriously, your dh isn't taking your feelings seriously, you have a hard life and deserve more consideration.
I wouldn't believe him about not touching, its amazing but even people with ocd want sex.
couldn't cope with the animals though brrr!

I seem to remember the cottage he rents is next to her stables? She conveniently had it going spare?

This is definitely an emotional affair (at least) and the dh lying about seeing the 'friend' is the main indicator that he knows he is overstepping the line.

EagleRiderDirk - perhaps his wife "pulled the same jealous stunt" because he was lying to her? If he didn't have anything to hide, why hide it? Lying to your partner shows a complete and total lack of respect. So no respect + no trust = no marriage.

BuzzardBird apparently this is no longer going to happen. I have told him that if it does then he shouldn't bother coming home at all.

Yes he is home. We talked into the early hours, until I was just so hurt that I could talk no more. No talk today as DS and PiLS around.

How do you keep going without those around you realising you are in so much pain and despair? DS cannot find out - assuming we stay together - as the anxiety will make him worse. I've had to smile, chat, act normal. Talk to DH as if nothing was wrong. I feel soooo tired, and I have major nausea. Its only sheer strength that has stopped me vomiting, that and not eating. I knew I was going to feel upset and furious, but I hadn't realised I would feel physically ill.

Actually my friend wasn't lying to her, not all men are liars. There were no secret meetings or talks as there was nothing to hide. I don't agree with him hiding stuff now but then I wouldn't have taken the complete lack of trust and respect she showed him by instructing him who he was and wasn't allowed to associate with. I know him well enough to know all he is doing is maintaining friendships. I'm sorry yours appears to be shafting you, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a friends only relationship, and also sometimes there's a non black and white reason for hiding things.

EagleRiderDirk" - Sorry I didn't mean to offend. You wrote: I know he feels the need to conduct secret chats with me and his other female friends, which I tell him is stupid becuase it looks like he's confirming her suspicions.* This is the bit I was referring to.

I've known they were friends for a while, it was only when I found out that he was lying about the friendship that I became suspicious. I was then given some information, and then found out about the texts. I didn't set out to "catch him", it was all given to me. My first post (linked above) was asking if I was being unreasonable in being upset that he had discussed our private life with another woman. I also asked on that thread, if it was a male friend, would that be different.

I have no issue with him having friends. I don't see why gender has to come into this. I had an issue with our private life being discussed. Especially as I was unaware that he felt this way.

I have had male friends, I have also had severe temptation put in my way. But at no point did I allow anything to progress. I always asked myself, if DH could see this, would he be upset? If I thought the answer was Yes, then I didn't do it. Is that so hard?

Sorry bolding all wrong there, I meant to bold the quote.

I think sometimes males and females will have a need to discuss private relationships with a member of the opposite sex to gain a different perspective. However, it changes if the partner continues to share with the other person more than his/her spouse/partner, then it becomes different.

In this situation, he has gone beyond asking for advice to almost lover-like instead of friends. He knows it because he's been lying and hiding things from you and dismissing your views, which is not outside the realm of reasonableness.

I got the bit you were referring to but that's only come about because of her attempts to ban his friendsips. I've seen too many people reaping what they sow and then wondering why (not that that's going to happen with me and him).

If you've asked him not to talk about you he should not have. Beyond a yes, she's OK. I get the other perspective thing, but there is a level of decency. With my mate I know she doesn't like us being friends so I don't court information about her, and he doesn't give it. If something happened and he wanted to talk I would, but I think that situation would only occur should anything bad happen and possibly never at all.

Im sorry your h is being shifty as hell.

Isitmeorher - I know this is an old post, but I wonder how u r getting on as this is happening to me right now😭 I have just found out DH has been offering ow, an old friend, support for her trouble marriage, through secret meetings and phone calls; meet at my house when I was away etc, for at least 5 years. He insists there was no sex & he has no feelings for her, he was just helping her...He has now promised to stop all contact with her, reluctantly though as I had to push him into it. And he is drip feeding me with the truth. I am not sure DH will keep to his promises. The trust and respect have been destroyed by all the lies. I don't know whether we can get through this...I feel such a fool for trusting him all those years