Can you tell me if we’re being unreasonable or she is? (sorry long)

[Isitmeorher]

I have worked with this lovely bloke for a couple of years. We were both made redundant last year. I got a new job near where I live and was able to put in a good word for him, and he managed to get a job there too. But it was further away from his home so he and his wife agreed it would be better for him to stay local during the week, rather than the exhausting commute. Rather than stay in the City he rents in a village near me.

I?ve always been able to talk to him and him to me. I went through a bad break up and I was able to cry on his shoulder, discuss everything that went wrong. He really helped. He also opened up to me about his marital problems, and I hope I'm helping him.

He is the only one at my new job that knows I have bad OCD. I hate anything to do with touching, and cannot handle stuff if others have. So if someone leaves anything like a jumper on my chair, he has to come up and move it for me. He also comes to help me with my horses occasionally, and we have walks together.

I lent him a couple of self-help books and told him that I thought his wife was unhappy because of the lack of affection. He started sending her texts, and would kiss and cuddle her as soon as he got home etc. Just generally being more touchy feely. Buying her little gifts (flowers, chocolate etc)

Instead of being happier his wife got more upset.

She has now accused us of having an emotional affair. I have issues with intimacy so I don?t want a sexual relationship, but I like having a male friend who treats me now and again, and who I can spend time with just talking. I can and do tell him anything and he?s the same with me. He says he cannot talk to her as it would embarrass him if he came across as weak. He feels he has to protect her. I know he has lied to her about how often he sees me outside of work and he deletes all the texts we send each other, so she doesn't get upset. But she has found out about all this.

She got him to fill out the questionnaire in the Shirley Glass? book NOT Just Friends. He scored 5 out of 8 which is apparently not good. He also answered Yes to the question as to whether he loves me or not ? but only as a friend, as I love him. I would do anything for him and he for me. He also said No to the Touching question as I don?t like being touched so it was irrelevant to our friendship.

She is also upset as she feels that he is only friends with me as I?m the opposite of her in looks. She has low self-esteem issues, she cannot get out of the house as she has to care for their ill child. She has put on weight, can?t get her hair done, go to the gym etc So she also feels she bores him. Apparently she says that if I was old and ugly this friendship wouldn?t have happened.

She is now saying that he has to stop our friendship or leave her.

It?s not my fault she?s insecure so why shouldn?t I keep seeing this lovely man, it's not as if we're having sex.

So is she BU or are we?

Ok so if you're the wife then get on the phone to this woman and tell her to back off. Now. Also give your husband the kick up the ass he needs. This is horrid.

Thank Christ for that, I almost put "and you sound like a bitch" on the bottom of my post...

I wrote the post because I keep having doubts. Am I being jealous? Why can't he have a female friend? etc.

You lovely ladies (and gents?? if there are any, please fess up as I would like to know which posts were by men) have taken the last few doubts away.

This weekend we are going to start having long discussions and he knows that there is no guarantee that I will forgive him.

He says he loves me and only wants me, and if I make him choose then it's obviously me. But then he said, what is he going to tell her? I offered to help with that

I think I'd be making him commute to work from home and start looking for another job just as a starting point .

Tbh if dh was going inti that much detail and seemed thatinvolved with a male friend id be annoyex

Tell him you will tell her. She sounds like a bloody fruit loop. She really does. As I said this makes my skin crawl its almost worse than them sleeping together. He should not be discussing your life or you with another woman. Not in this sense anyway.

Does he help you out at all? Are you saying you're insecure or is that what he has told this OW?
I would be very tempted to be there when he tells her btw, otherwise he may go down the "she's just being jealous of our friendship" route..

You are kidding yourself if you think this is a harmless friendship.

You are very close emotionally and although you don't touch (OCD issues or not) this, to all intents and purposes, is an affair.

Flobbadobs - I've called her worse

He is kinda naive about stuff, but I don't think he's that naive. If he knew it was innocent, he wouldn't have deleted the texts etc.

He says she probably doesn't feel the same way, and telling her would be embarrassing (not my problem - I've learnt to use this phrase a lot just recently).

I say she is very manipulative. He described her last relationship, which I've tried to cover in my post a bit, and I started laughing - he was offended and asked why I thought it was amusing. I said that if I could replay what he had just said to me about the relationship but with his name substituted in then he would also see the funny side (not!)

He seems to be accepting that he is in the wrong. I shocked him rigid when I told him our 16 year old DS had asked me if Dad was having an affair. As I hadn't said any such thing to him, then DH must talk just a wee bit too much about her.

He wants to work on our relationship, and at the moment, so do I. He doesn't know just how much I know, so I've warned him that he has to tell me absolutely everything. Sunday lunch with the inlaws will be interesting

You know this is already an affair. Just no sex ( or so he says ). You need to kick him up the ass and tell him to stop NOW? I would also be calling the other woman and telling her to back off. They are betraying you. It's as simple as that really.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

He's telling you he doesn't know what to say to her??? He has the gall to say that to you?!

'He says he cannot talk to her as it would embarrass him if he came across as weak... he has lied to her about how often he sees me outside of work and he deletes all the texts we send each other, so she doesn't get upset.'

If he really thinks he's doing that to protect you he's deluded. The alternative is that it's gone a lot further than he's admitting. Either way, if you stay with him then Relate sounds like a good idea.

Sorry, didn't see the 'I'm the wife bit'.

I'm not sure what will happen. At the moment, he needs this job. The alternative is much further away, so he is going to have to convince me that I can trust him. All of us moving isn't an option for lots of reasons.

I have low self-esteem. I'm menopausal, fat, frumpy etc.

She is blond, pretty, 8 years younger, and very fit and athletic. At the weekend I said to DH that I imagined her as similar to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He showed me a photo and I was bloody close! I still maintain that if she was fat, frumpy and 50 he wouldn't be having the same relationship.

I think youre spending too much time focusing on her. they havent actually done anything other than have a closer friendship than youre comfortable with you know. Its your husband you should be looking at and putting this effort into your marriage and not wasting it by posting about some woman, who may or may not have done anything wrong, with extremely idetifiable info for her character to be torn apart on the internet. you seem pretty pleased with yourself for doing so. She doesnt owe you anything.

Ouch

Unfortunately, from reading the Relationships board, it seems that a lot of men will start down the relationship counselling route when they've no intention of actually committing to the relationship. Be prepared for he worst . Whatever happens, I'm glad you've gotten the 'not my problem' attitude.

I think you need to accept that you telling her to feck off is a) not going to be effective and b) is pretty pointless. If your H really wants to work things out with you he needs to start acting like it, cut contact and get a new job close to home.

As someone with OCD I can tell you that it is very bad for sufferers to have someone do things like remove a jumper off her chair because she can't do it herself. You need to face your anxieties, not get someone else to take them away for you.

It sounds like he thinks he is her knight in shining armour, and very little effort does he have to put in - remove one jumper and he's her hero!

Also I would be about the "OCD so can't bear to be touched" thing. I know from experience that OCD has a habit of coming and going, and I would not be at all surprised if all of a sudden she feels he can touch her after all because he's special. (I am not doubting that she has OCD here - I mean that before I had my first DC I was terribly anxious about cleanliness. I realised when I had a small baby that soon he would be eating dirt and if I bowed to my OCD it would ruin his life. The dirt/germs obsession just went and I suddenly became completely calm and rational about it - now I live in a shitpit. The OCD just moved to other areas of my life.)

It doesn't matter what she looks like. He is betraying you by discussing you with her. I would say the same if he was talking to another man. Also I don't buy the whole oh she doesn't do touching thing. It sounds to me like he is covering his back. This is an affair just no sex so he says.

I am sorry to hear this OP. I'm sorry but similar happened to me (a long time ago now) - I found out after we split that of course they were having sex and felt like an idiot I had believed him when he said they weren't. I will bet you anything they are having a full on affair, sorry.

I doubt you are really as "fat and frumpy" as you think, but remember that although she is younger she will also be menopausal/get middle aged spread in due course. Sorry I know that's not helpful!

What I mean to say is - the problem is not you, it is him

JJS - what is identifiable about her? She is not the only person on this earth who is taking another woman's husband for emotional reasons. She isn't the only one who rides horses either. I can really out her if you want and print her name, phone numbers, email address, her other hobbies (it's not the horseriding that makes her fit!). There are many petite, fit, blond women out there.

Yes I am spending too much time focussing on her. I wake up and being cheated on is my first thought. That is if I've slept at all. I think about it all day - is he lunching with her, taking her out for a meal (he hasn't taken me out for 5 years). Are they laughing at poor wifey at home? Is he telling her what we do in bed? How often?

Try being cheated on before you comment on emotional threads.

See, you know there is more to this. Sit him down and tell him it's done or you walk. Then call her and tell her to back off.

Isitmeorher
What does he have to say about this? Does he realise what a ball bag he is??? You should show him this thread and is email it to the doll as well!!! You need to fight for this! Do not allow this to happen anymore!!! Please for ur own self respect.

I don't know much about OCD but it seems to me that if someone can't even remove a jumper placed on a chair themselves, they couldn't possibly look after horses.......

How much truth is there in the OCD story?

Sorry you are going through this

The "friendship" has to end to give your marriage a chance to heal.

I would want total disclosure, so all passwords, new phone number, new job, commuting home in the mean time and to be in the room when he called her to say they would not be in contact again.

Meanwhile, work on your self esteem this other woman is not better than you, and you shouldnt feel as though she is.

Good luck

Odd that she can't touch a jumper but can muck out smelly stables!