Can you tell me if we’re being unreasonable or she is? (sorry long)

[Isitmeorher]

I have worked with this lovely bloke for a couple of years. We were both made redundant last year. I got a new job near where I live and was able to put in a good word for him, and he managed to get a job there too. But it was further away from his home so he and his wife agreed it would be better for him to stay local during the week, rather than the exhausting commute. Rather than stay in the City he rents in a village near me.

I?ve always been able to talk to him and him to me. I went through a bad break up and I was able to cry on his shoulder, discuss everything that went wrong. He really helped. He also opened up to me about his marital problems, and I hope I'm helping him.

He is the only one at my new job that knows I have bad OCD. I hate anything to do with touching, and cannot handle stuff if others have. So if someone leaves anything like a jumper on my chair, he has to come up and move it for me. He also comes to help me with my horses occasionally, and we have walks together.

I lent him a couple of self-help books and told him that I thought his wife was unhappy because of the lack of affection. He started sending her texts, and would kiss and cuddle her as soon as he got home etc. Just generally being more touchy feely. Buying her little gifts (flowers, chocolate etc)

Instead of being happier his wife got more upset.

She has now accused us of having an emotional affair. I have issues with intimacy so I don?t want a sexual relationship, but I like having a male friend who treats me now and again, and who I can spend time with just talking. I can and do tell him anything and he?s the same with me. He says he cannot talk to her as it would embarrass him if he came across as weak. He feels he has to protect her. I know he has lied to her about how often he sees me outside of work and he deletes all the texts we send each other, so she doesn't get upset. But she has found out about all this.

She got him to fill out the questionnaire in the Shirley Glass? book NOT Just Friends. He scored 5 out of 8 which is apparently not good. He also answered Yes to the question as to whether he loves me or not ? but only as a friend, as I love him. I would do anything for him and he for me. He also said No to the Touching question as I don?t like being touched so it was irrelevant to our friendship.

She is also upset as she feels that he is only friends with me as I?m the opposite of her in looks. She has low self-esteem issues, she cannot get out of the house as she has to care for their ill child. She has put on weight, can?t get her hair done, go to the gym etc So she also feels she bores him. Apparently she says that if I was old and ugly this friendship wouldn?t have happened.

She is now saying that he has to stop our friendship or leave her.

It?s not my fault she?s insecure so why shouldn?t I keep seeing this lovely man, it's not as if we're having sex.

So is she BU or are we?

BalloonSlayer - Thank you, you get it. In fact I used exactly those words "Knight in Shining Armour" Who does it for her when he's in meetings, days off etc? No-one else knows so how could she possibly ask someone else? I have said that IF he is truly innocent then she is exceptionally manipulative. If she can't touch a jumper, then how on earth does she muck out horses or clean up after her dog? I know the answer to this as I have OCD as well. If she can master these jobs because she wants to do them, then she can master sex.

Svetlana - oh that is VERY helpful When I'm at my lowest I think that too. He may leave me and get a newer model, but even Porshes rust and breakdown eventually

None of the stuff about her really matters. It doesn't matter who she is, what she looks like, what her health issues are. What matters is your H is living apart from you during the week and having a closer emotional relationship with her than he does with you. That he thinks it's ok to discuss your marriage with her, that he says he can talk to her when he can't to you, that he's taking her out to dinner and being the one person she can confide in.

Their boundaries are awful. Are you sure you want to be with him when he has so little respect for your marriage? You can of course ask that he doesn't see her out of work but I am worried that will just fan the flames of this emotional affair.

To the posters asking how she can deal with horses but not being touched. This I do believe. I don't want any OCD sufferers out there to have to put up with more hassle because of this post. OCD is a horrible, mean illness, that can severely affect your life. I do think that she is using her illness though to bring out the "Knight" in DH. He is kind and helpful that way, and can be gullible up to a limit.

I have OCD. I can do anything I like with my dogs (I have to wash my hands several times afterwards though) but I couldn't pick up a tissue - even a clean one, unless it is mine or, weirdly, my sons. I, personally, would have an issue with horse poo.

If he were having emotional discussions with a male friend, it wouldn't be classed as an emotional affair. This all rests on the assumption that there is a undercurrent of sexual attraction.

Sorry, playing devil's advocate here, as I suspect you'll hear lots about how it's all in your head and it would be different if she were a he. I think that's a red-herring - and I say that as someone who has close male friends.

He's neglecting his relationship with you in favour of tete-a-tetes with her. Anyone who prioritises a friend or hobby over a basic level of respect and consideration for their partner is in the wrong. It is not on that you are stuck in the house while he's off helping her with the horses. Why isn't he caring for your ill child so you can go for a walk/go to the gym, etc. And why isn't he taking you out on lunch dates? Hell, even paying for a babysitter and treating you to chips on a park bench would be something.

Personally I think you are kidding yourself if you think this is only an emotional affair. I just don't believe a person who can deal with horses cannot bear to be touched by a clean person.

I think your husband thinks it is a convenient excuse.

I agree with just, you are wasting too much energy on this woman. People do have affairs with married men but the married man is more at fault than a single woman.

You need some self respect and to either insist he ends this 'friendship' or you should leave. He seems to be keeping you both where he wants you right now. Hating her and blaming her isn't going to achieve anything.

OP, you sound lovely and I would ignore JJS. Maybe JJS is this OW.

I would be calm, factual, unemotional and direct.

• This is happening -
• I am not happy about it.
• I want you to do this -
• If you don't do this, X will happen.
• You have 2 days to make your decision.

MissStrawberry that's what I was thinking!

JJS - are you the other woman??

Ok, Isit, can I ask you a question? Is this woman very young or naive, from what you can gather? Or is your husband very young, and/or does he have developmental problems (Asperger's comes to mind, and yes I do know what I'm talking about, not making sweeping statements)?

It's just that as a very naive 20-yr-old, I had a close and giggly friendship with an older (ooh, probably the grey and ancient age of 28) guy at work that sounds embarrassingly like this, now I look back at it.

I genuinely had no designs on him -- I was at an idealistic age and felt that Men and Women Should Be Able to be Friends. But he joined a club I was at, invited me to lunch to 'discuss work', and snuck into my hotel room late at night on a work trip. I think it's fair to say that his interest wasn't purely friendly, and that his wife was right to be furious...

I don't think JJS is the other woman, but please confess if you are. Let me know why you think I'm over reacting, as this was the whole point of the post, was I overreacting? If you are, at least that's solved one of DH's problems.

Bird: Not young, either of them, in fact they are the same age. Which I won't mention in case JJS thinks I'm outing them. Yes, I am older by 8 years. (I'm 12 years younger than Mil which is probably why we're friends)

I think she has MH issues, and if she is as bad as he makes out, then I think she's been far to enabled by those around her, who pamper to her when ever she crooks her little finger. I am partially sorry for her, although I find it difficult to be the bigger person just right now.

Sorry, got to go for a while. DS needs me.

I would totally not be happy with this. I think you're doing the right thing by having a serious chat this weekend. Shame on the OW, she must know what she is doing.

Isitmeorher wow! ok i also have sick(ish) child that i have to stay home to look after so i often get cranky, esp about not being able to lose weight, exercise, hair looks a state and get a break from my wonderful (but sometimes downright grumpy cos ill) child. This has put a HUGE strain on my relationship with DH. There wasn't another woman or emotional affair, but we were getting too close to breaking point so went to counselling and are MUCH better now. One thing was that I needed more support due to child illness, i need more of a break and i wasn't giving self one. He now goes to pre-school two mornings a week and that has really helped. I can't help you with the emotional affair bit, but i would be annoyed about it if i were in your shoes, but i would see it as a warning sign and see if you can sort things out.

Trackies: I'm sorry to hear your child is ill too. I'm sure I could give myself a break but DS gets anxious if I'm not there. Sounds stupid writing that about a 16 year old, but that's the way it is. I can sometime gets him to go out with the PiLs as I trust MiL explicitly to look after him and I always have. But when I do get a break I prefer to have just peace and quiet, or I race round doing the noisy housework which is difficult when he's there. I think I need to change that in myself.

ALannister: That is why I wrote this post this way. I say she must know she is doing wrong, but DH says she doesn't think like that. To her it's just a friendship.

She has admitted to him that she tends to enjoy the first part of a relationship but as soon as it starts getting serious (by which I assume she means men start wanting something physical) she ends it. So she is using my DH to get all the emotional, companionship, flirty, fun stuff you are meant to get from a committed relationship.

He, on the other hand, is flattered that a pretty woman wants to spend lots of time with him.

Which might have been fine if he hadn't been so secretive and dishonest. Whether she knows what she is doing is wrong or not, it is clear he knows it's wrong otherwise he wouldn't hide it from me.

No im not the other woman but i think youre behaving horrendously in posting identifiable details about another woman online because shes friends with your husband , it seems because youre jealous of the way she looks. its bordering on harassment in my opinion, what if she finds it or a friend of hers finds it? Maybe you should stop blaming her for whatever problems are in your marriage and talk to your husband. you have no evidence that shes done anything inappropriate and i reapeat she owes you nothing. all most people will say on here is what you want to hear but to me youre coming across pretty badly. By the way you did post on aibu so not sure why you expected a wave of hand holding. with the way youve gone about this. Id just like to point out theres nothing to say that if i dont agree with you that i must be the villain of your post.

JJS, some AIBU threads are actually calls for help and support. Can you really not see the difference?

JumpingJackSprat what ARE you on about? People post these sorts of concerns all the time, sadly. Have you seen the Relationships board?
Harassment? Dramatic much??

I disagree with the majority here. He's confiding in a friend and taking her advice, which results in him giving you more of what you need, i.e. affection. She's on your side. They're not having an affair, they're friends.

JJS - read the top. Posting in AIBU doesn't mean people can be unkind.

The OP is clearly wanting some support. I am sure this woman is not the only woman in the world who is taking a husband away from his wife for her own needs and tbh even if she does identify herself so what?

There's always a danger if men or women in a committed relationship have friends (one to one) of the opposite sex. Why tempt fate?

I've read a good chunk of this thread, so I know you are the wife. All I would say is that perhaps you need to be a little selfish, concentrate a bit on yourself, which I know is hard as you have to look after DC. Get DH to watch DC so you can buy some new clothes, get that haircut. Do it for yourself if not for him. Looking amazing, I find is the best way to bring back that self confidence you need to stick two fingers to this woman.

I don't see it as tempting fate if there's no sex on the agenda. One of my especially close friends, who I could talk to about anything, is someone I lived with for several years in our mid-twenties. We've been good friends since the age of 11, and apart from a snog aged 15 there's been no sexual contact at all. If we were going to shag we could have done it in our own home, when we were both single and often drunk. We didn't. Now we're both married it's absurd to think we ever would. I'm no more likely to have sex with him than I am with a female friend.

I'm sorry but it's obvious that he is lying, they're having an affair - he has lied about deleting texts and being with her but t say they're "only friends" is the classic trick.
I'm sorry you're going through this, look after yourself and treat him and the situation as if its an affair. OCD seems like an elaborate story!

We agreed we would talk tonight. I told him that the one thing he had to be was honest. He agreed he would never lie to me again.

I asked him 1 question. I asked to see his phone. There was one message sent on Monday. None from her. I asked him just 1 question - have you deleted any texts. He said NO.

I then asked him how many he had sent. Just the one he said.

I then pointed out that I knew exactly when he had sent every text this week. He then started making excuses. He texted her as he was apprently picking her up at 8pm everynight as he didn't want her walking home/catching train in the dark etc. He texted her for work reasons. Every text I said he'd sent her a text he had an answer. He's a fucking liar as I was making up the times.

JJS - still innocent?

Oh, I forgot to say. We had several full and frank conversations each of the nights he was allegedly giving her a lift. And he forgot to mention each time that he was seeing her that NIGHT.