in thinking this is taking things too far?

[Imsoworriedandupset]

There was a row at work today and before I start I am going to say I recognise I was out of order, so my question is, should my boss have accepted my apology?

I'm a teacher, and went into it as a mature entrant. I know I can be blunt. My head of department was also new, and she seemed to dislike me from the start, for example she would ignore any advice or suggestions I gave her but be really pleased if anyone else did. I do think she struggles with her work but she cosies up to the head and his deputy so gets away with it.

Anyway she said today she needed to have a "difficult conversation" with me so I was OK with this, I can take constructive criticism, but I wasn't prepared for the character assassination that followed! Apparently I "make working life in the department difficult." I am "belligerent" and "aggressive" to children and upset them needlessly - she said she has had parental complaints. I asked why she hadn't told me and she agreed she should have but said she didn't want to upset me! Also refused to tell me who the parents were, which makes me think it was a lie. So I was reeling from that when she said that she is "concerned" about my teaching, that my planning "really is not adequate." I was upset and angry and I asked for examples. She said a recent book scrutiny showed lack of challenge - "you are giving them work they are more than capable of doing so no learning is taking place." I said surely if they are doing the work it shows they are learning. She said I was relying on printed sheets/textbooks too much and she said "personally I can't really teach anything I haven't made myself" and then I said I had a home and family to go to and if she had kids she'd understand.

She went very quiet then and said clearly the conversation needed to be referred on to senior managers because she was not prepared to be "ridiculed". I did try to apologise and sent an email saying sorry. I do know I can lose my temper but I just felt so defensive, I know I was bu but is there any chance of sorting this out and I do still feel angry over some stuff! But now I'll have to meet with the head about my "conduct".

I can't see how the HOD was being unprofessional. Do you expect her to not mention the problems that the OP is causing?

She was called 'beligerent', 'aggressive', there was implied issues with other members of staff, students and parents as well as concerns over quality of teaching. These are not the issues for an informal chat with someone. Work places have procedures for dealing with allegations as serious as these and yes the HOD was unprofessional for not following them.

Not 'light at the end of the tunnel' if Op was hoping for a permanent appointment. She'll be out of a job with a poor reference when the maternity leave comes to an end.

And re 'easy target', the chances are OP has less experience, not having completed even 2 yrs, than most of the department, so probably in greater need of supervision. Whose judgement are SM going to trust? Unless there are other cases where it seems she has targeted people unfairly.

I know it seems as if we are taking the HoD's side, but I think many of us can probably remember a colleague who would have aroused similar concerns.

I'd go with Imperial Blether's summing up rather than Newbie's.

To be honest I can't really say if the approach was good or bad because the hod have good points. Maybe she was being blunt too as the op is herself.

The HoD was unprofessional because this is not a useful way of giving constructive feedback. You raise one issue at a time, thoroughly explain it with evidence and your own observations. You don't make vague 'some other people say' allegations. Even if you are screaming inside 'you are a terrible person, everyone hates you and you are underperforming in every way', as a manager your job is to give feedback which the em

ployee can act on in a focused way. TBH it sounds like someone out of her depth who doesn't like the OP. Unfortunately the OP's response is also less than professional.

(oops on posting too soon there)

Saloman - that may have been what the HoD intended to do. Unfortunately, it also sounds as if the OP derailed the meeting by not being willing to listen to criticism.

And it would have been even more 'out of the blue', if she hadn't tried to have this conversation before invoking disciplinary procedures.

I'm sorry, OP, but I'm leaning towards your HoD's side here.

It sounds as if she is trying to help you by raising these concerns in an informal way to try and get them sorted before it gets to a formal cause for concern. To me, it sounds as if the head has told her to have this conversation with you - possibly if parents have complained directly to the head.

Your comment to her about not having kids is, as you know, wrong on both a professional and personal level. It was hurtful and I don't blame her for not accepting your apology straightaway.

If I were you, I'd make an unreserved, whole-hearted apology and ask for help with planning and delivery. Do your colleagues share resources? Downloaded sheets and text books in my subject are only used as cover work. In my school we are also not allowed to use downloaded sheets which look obviously downloaded (ie say Teachit at the bottom) as that always results in parental complaints. We normally have to talk to new staff about this each year.

Have a look at Bloom's Taxonomy. Are you ensuring that your most able students are stretched?

I know it is horrible to hear the comments she made, but try to remove emotion and use the situation to develop your teaching skills.

I agree that it sounds as though this was an attempt to address the issues before having to go down a formal route. Of course there will always be a point where something like this appears to come out of the blue - if you were aware that these problems existed you would have already addressed them. You say in your OP that you can take constructive criticism, but it doesn't seem as though you actually can, and the fact that you refuted everything she said and apparently took nothing on board suggests that you were never going to accept any negative feedback. It may have been a bad idea to bring everything up at once, but perhaps this chat had been brewing for a while and there was more to say than she had planned when it appeared that you were demonstrating exactly the kind of behaviour that she was trying to address.
I appreciate that teaching has its own disciplinary process, but it doesn't sound as though it would have got that far if you had been able to discuss it before going 'official'. You may rather that it was dealt with through the more formal channels, in which case you should be pleased, but perhaps if you had given yourself time to reflect and mull over what she was saying before flying off the handle, you might have handled it better yourself.

I think the fact you made the 'if you had kids' comment shows just how blunt you are and how actually you aren't able to take constructive criticism tbh.

Thymeout, you may be right that that is what the HoD intended to do. If it's the first time she's had to have a difficult conversation like this it is very easy to get it wrong, especially if she's had no training in performance management. I also agree that 'out of the blue' isn't a valid criticism of how she handled it, as things need to be raised at some point. I think the HoD probably waited too long, until too many issues had built up. I am guessing she was trying not to have to raise the issues about personal style and telling herself it was ok as long as the teaching was good. Then she realised it might not be and felt she had to tackle everything. Difficult job for a relatively new manager.

OP, this hasn't been handled in the best way, but unfortunately that doesn't mean she isn't raising some valid issues. You're still new in the job, so if you are able to take this as an opportunity to learn and handle things differently from now on it may help you in your next role.

Ok I think you need to take the criticisms on board and address them one by one. You are considered to be a good teacher in an outstanding school so by their standards you are a weaker staff member and they may be looking to support you in raising your game. If you are finding relationships with your HoD difficult then this meeting with the head may let you clear the air and give you both a chance to regroup.

• Start the meeting with an apology, explain you felt a bit stressed with these criticisms coming out of the blue but that you realise your response was inappropriate

• Bring examples of your planning and ask for advice about how it can be improved. Act on the advice and invite HoD to observe you to check you have gone down the right track

• Do the same with worksheets, bring a sample and ask how HoD would suggest it can be improved (You shouldn't have to start from scratch each time but there will be things you need to do to ensure it fits your class). I assume these worksheets are only very occasionally used un class and are mainly for homework as I would not want to see them used regularly, they don't generally encourage active learning.

• Explain you were unaware of the parental comments and that you feel this has been handled badly. Ask what specific complaints were made and for advice on how you should address them.

If you approach it like this you are putting yourself firmly in the right and will give yourself a chance to really develop whilst gaining respect from your line managers for your positive and proactive attitude. There is no point in making enemies, your life will be easier and your job more rewarding if you work with people.

If you continue to have problems with your HoD speakers to her again, if you are communicating with her things should be solved before they come to a bead again and if you make no progress you can take it further with clear evidence you have attempted to deal with the problem yourself.

"you are giving them work they are more than capable of doing so no learning is taking place." I said surely if they are doing the work it shows they are learning

I don't understand your reasoning here.
By your reasoning, if you gave my 12yo daughter 50 questions to do adding number bonds to 10 and she did them, then she'd be learning. She wouldn't be learning anything, she could do that at 4yo.
I would be very unimpressed by any of my dc's teachers saying that.

I agree with the others that she was probably giving you an attempt to address the issues before it went further. Unfortunately because of your reaction, it sounds like she feels she has to now take it further.

"you are giving them work they are more than capable of doing so no learning is taking place." I said surely if they are doing the work it shows they are learning.

Being able to complete a downloaded worksheet is not learning. Learning is challenging your students and encouraging them to develop their knowledge and problem solving abilities. Handing out premade worksheets which they are already capable of doing is lazy and provides no opportunities for authentic assessment. Downloaded worksheets do have their place, and there are hundreds of websites which have some fantastic lesson plans and learning experiences available, so you don't need to completely start from scratch, but you take what information you can find, you adapt it to suit your students, and you use it as a starting point for your lesson planning.

I think you need a lot of support. The first three years of teaching I found the hardest. Now I have the same year level each year, and I can recycle a lot of my materials, although I still constantly tweek, improve and develop them, as well as adjust them to suit the level of the students I am teaching that year (not to mention the fact that they keep changing the curriculum on me!). But as a beginning teacher, you need to seek out someone that you can go to for support and to ask questions of. Ask around at your school for teachers that would be willing to provide you with that support. I came from another career also, and it's a big shift in mentality, especially going in as a mature worker, because you really are back to feeling like a student yourself again, but that's ok. Stop being "blunt" and start acting like the beginning teacher that you really are. It's ok to ask for advice, it shows strength of character, not of weakness.

To go back to your original question:

There was a row at work today and before I start I am going to say I recognise I was out of order, so my question is, should my boss have accepted my apology?

As someone who went through seven years of IVF, had someone made a comment like that to me, I would never be able to forgive you. It was the cheapest possible shot, and one that would be like driving a knife through the heart of a woman struggling with infertility. I would move past it, but I would never forget that you said it and it would tar my opinion of your professionally. You took a professional discussion and turned it personal. There is no career in the world in which this would be acceptable.

Sadly, I do think you need to question your career at this point. There are a lot of mature aged teachers entering the profession now as they've had their families and think that teaching automatically means leaving at 3 and getting long holidays, when that bears little resemblance to what the job really is. If you aren't prepared to put in the work that your colleagues are, then you shouldn't be surprised when you are overlooked for permanent positions and leadership roles.

MidniteScribbler, you've summed it up beautiful and you sound like an amazing teacher

beautifully

I think that when a person is emotional and on the defensive then it's quite easy to say things in the moment that you may regret later.

But at work (hospital) i've had too many women saying my life is 'easy' because i don't have children.
I desperately want to have children before i'm too old and it's actually a wounding thing to say.
I've forgiven the women who said it but i definitely haven't forgotten.

I think that in any job that meeting was unprofessional though and i'd be contacting a union rep.

well it looks like I'm not going to be finishing the year so those of you who say teaching isn't right for me are right. I am devastated.

Really? What happened? The procedures for getting rid of teachers are quite involved - have they followed them correctly, what does your union rep say?
Hope you're ok.

What happened? As a new teacher doing maternity covers you won't have had strong consistent support. I wouldn't have survived my first year without a strong supportive and protective department at my back. Don'twwrite yourself off just yet!

Don't panic yet, I'd be surprised if they were leaping straight into getting rid of you the day after the first negative discussion. What did they say?

I'm sure you have time to turn this around, I'msoworriedandupset. You've been rash and foolish. You've taken professional criticism of you as a personal insult, possibly because it came from someone you perceive to dislike you.

Now, what you must do is put all of that aside and be proactive. Go to the Head, explain that you've reflected deeply on your discussion and regret that you reacted as you did. On reflection, you realise that you needed that feedback to become the teacher you are capable of being and you'd very much appreciate the opportunity to develop and show improvement.

Then, do it.

Since it's a maternity cover they can they feel I do not fit into the ethos of the school and so are making other arrangements for the rest of the maternity leave.

Devastated.

I don't think they can just decide on a friday afternoon you're out the door. Talk to your union first thing Monday.