in thinking this is taking things too far?

[Imsoworriedandupset]

There was a row at work today and before I start I am going to say I recognise I was out of order, so my question is, should my boss have accepted my apology?

I'm a teacher, and went into it as a mature entrant. I know I can be blunt. My head of department was also new, and she seemed to dislike me from the start, for example she would ignore any advice or suggestions I gave her but be really pleased if anyone else did. I do think she struggles with her work but she cosies up to the head and his deputy so gets away with it.

Anyway she said today she needed to have a "difficult conversation" with me so I was OK with this, I can take constructive criticism, but I wasn't prepared for the character assassination that followed! Apparently I "make working life in the department difficult." I am "belligerent" and "aggressive" to children and upset them needlessly - she said she has had parental complaints. I asked why she hadn't told me and she agreed she should have but said she didn't want to upset me! Also refused to tell me who the parents were, which makes me think it was a lie. So I was reeling from that when she said that she is "concerned" about my teaching, that my planning "really is not adequate." I was upset and angry and I asked for examples. She said a recent book scrutiny showed lack of challenge - "you are giving them work they are more than capable of doing so no learning is taking place." I said surely if they are doing the work it shows they are learning. She said I was relying on printed sheets/textbooks too much and she said "personally I can't really teach anything I haven't made myself" and then I said I had a home and family to go to and if she had kids she'd understand.

She went very quiet then and said clearly the conversation needed to be referred on to senior managers because she was not prepared to be "ridiculed". I did try to apologise and sent an email saying sorry. I do know I can lose my temper but I just felt so defensive, I know I was bu but is there any chance of sorting this out and I do still feel angry over some stuff! But now I'll have to meet with the head about my "conduct".

I do plan my lessons, I didn't say I didn't, but my hod has an issue with how I plan them, which I don't think is justified as if the children are learning then that's surely the main thing.

As a secondary teacher....
-ignore the comments about you not being suited to teaching. Schools are made up of all sorts of characters and personalities! If you had an ongoing history and ongoing problems with your personality then maybe, but jeez people are quick to shoot you down.
-planning is important and as a second year teacher you would know! Re-inventing the wheel is ridiculous, use the resources available to you and your teaching will be fine! Maybe mix it up a bit if that is what your HOD suggests :)

• you should have been made aware of complaints and able to deal with them at the time, maybe not specific naming if that is the schools policy or the parents requests but its important for you to know if a concern has been raised and with which yeargroup.
• bad call on the parent thing but we all make mistakes and she should be able to accept your apology. (She might have had past/ongoing fertility issues making that topic more sensitive) but its not a career ending comment if you are able to apologise.

Are they learning, though, Iamsoworried? Your HoD had her doubts, and your response about it being OK if they can do the work doesn't fill me with confidence, to be honest. Could she be right about the lack of challenge?

And
-are you in a union? If not join tomorrow. If so, find your rep and talk to them tomorrow. Document everything.
You might want to suggest a mentor outside your department who you feel you can approach and discuss any future problems which might arise and avoid any flare ups. You are still going to have to work with this HOD, you don't have to like each other but you will have to have some diet of working relationship.
Do you think a conversation on the phone tonight to her might settle things a bit?

thanks newbie

Cardi yes I believe they are, had 2 'good' observations this year so she's going off an exercise book scrutiny finding sheets stuck in from websites and saying they aren't learning which I don't feel is a fair comment.

The union is involved over a couple of on-going issues so will fill them in tomorrow about this.

If she is concerned about your planning -
Don't challenge it.
Ask for her help. What would she suggest?
Does she have specific examples.
Maybe its not how you want to do it but as HOD she has the right to want things her way.
There are probably bigger battles to fight and if you show her you want her suggestions and try and implement them (or document how you might already be doing it!)

Sorry meant to finish with .... She might back off a bit.

How many in your department?
Any previous comments like this?
How old is she?
Is this the same school you have taught at since qualifying?

What subject do you teach?

Your comment about her not having kids was patronising and vile. If any colleague used that in my direction I would take it to the Head and I would generally think you were a pretty unpleasant person.
However, if your children are making progress, your planning should not be ripped to shreds. Talk to your union.

There's 12 in our department. She is 31 soon to be 32. No I did a Maternity cover last year before getting this job which is also Maternity.

StuffezI agree it was totally out of order, I said it without thinking and regretted it as soon as I did. I was just trying to imagine the hours it would take to make worksheets from scratch with young kids.

Your union really are your best friends here. What is the current ofsted rating of your school? Do you have to submit your planning for regular scrutiny? Are you an academy? Sorry for the questions - I've been on the end of relentless bullying and I found the only way was to leave. I'm also a trained union rep so PM if you like.

Thanks. Ofsted rating is outstanding, we don't have to submit planning though and its not an academy.

Has your HOD given you any tips on how you could improve those observed lessons from Good to Outstanding - that's what often happens in PM at my school - looking at ways to improve collaboratively.
It does, however, seem that you've moved far beyond this. Your union rep MUST be involved. What you said whilst on the defensive was exceptionally unfortunate but, with an apology, not unforgiveable.
It's awful working in a place where you don't feel supported - I hope it can be resolved soon.

Well whatever you said to her it does sound like fairly human reaction to an out of the blue character assassination! Maybe there are issues that need to be broached but there has to be a proper process in order to do this. How have your lesson obs been? If there haven't been any then she really can't comment on your teaching in general. I agree that worksheets from websites have their place but you can't use these all the time, maybe you don't, sorry not making assumptions!

Personally I would be most upset about the accusation that I was upsetting the children and being aggressive with them. I think that is a pretty serious accusation. Do you think you might have been? If I were a parent there I would make a complaint about that. She wont tell you which parents have complained, that doesn't mean she is lying at all.

Anyway, sorry you are having a horrible time, as other posters have suggested contact your union and find out about the school's process for approaching teachers when there is a concern about performance. I hope things improve for you OP.

That's a big department for a new hod maybe she is struggling a bit and as a maternity cover you might be an easy target.
Light at end of the tunnel if its not permanent?

"...but she cosies up to the head and his deputy so gets away with it."

I really dislike this. Your HOD is a member of senior management, as are the head and deputy. They are her colleagues, albeit she is junior to them. You sound very immature, thinking a friendly relationship is her cosying up to them.

"Also refused to tell me who the parents were, which makes me think it was a lie."

Those children had probably asked their parents to ask the HOD not to say who they were and I don't blame them in this situation.

"...you are giving them work they are more than capable of doing so no learning is taking place." I said surely if they are doing the work it shows they are learning."

I think what she's saying here is that you are giving them work that they can already do - they are not learning anything new. I assume she means you're not stretching the more able students - not differentiating.

You seem proud of the fact you are blunt, but actually most people really dislike this quality in someone else.

Teacher and mother here.

A couple of things here concern me OP. Firstly the idea that you overuse textbooks or downloaded resources and think that is OK. I am with your HOD - downloaded resources should be a small part of your teaching, to compliment the work that you have done yourself, that way you can differentiate and tailor learning to the individual. Secondly your comment that if they are doing the work they are learning. Really? Do you really believe this? If so you have completely missed the whole idea of teaching and learning. What subject do you teach?

Yes your HOD should have told you about the complaints, but given that the nature was your aggressiveness towards children then telling you who would have been a bad idea. You have been told you are not doing your job properly - not just on one count but on many - relationships, planning, teaching and learning. You must have felt awful, but in reality you should have accepted it and asked for help to improve.

Your comment about family was spiteful. Your HOD was right to refer it back to the head, as you seemed unprepared to listen. That said she should accept the apology as a professional person as you have to work together.

Are the other union issues linked?

I think you need to tread very carefully. You don't sound the easiest person to deal with if I'm honest, and if you're covering maternity rather than permanent, I'd imagine this counts.

Dp is a teacher and makes virtually all his own resources from scratch during evenings and weekends. His observations got him the highest grade and this was a contributing factor. Once you've done a few worksheets, it's easy to adapt and reuse them. If I were you I'd really go out of your way for the next few weeks to get yourself on a surer footing.

It is her job to talk to you about your relationship with colleagues and pupils. To describe this as 'character assassination' implies that you are were not prepared to take any adverse comments on board. When she said you were belligerent, your reaction only proved her point.

Regarding the comments about your teaching, the over-reliance on printed hand-outs and downloads, could she have a point? Your reply does not inspire confidence. As another poster said, the fact that they are doing the work does not prove that the work is challenging their ability.

I know what it's like to get to the end of the week as a teacher and feel that you deserve a medal for still being on your feet. And what a slap in the face it feels like to discover that, after all your hard work, you get brickbats instead of appreciation. But that's what it's like in teaching now. Everyone is under so much pressure to perform. Do you know if anyone else has had 'the difficult conversation?

Your only way back is to ask for help to improve. Arguing the toss about her opinion of your personality and teaching is only going to make things worse.

I think NEWBIE got it in one. She covered everything.

So you mean it was an overreaction on the HOD's part, rainbow? Why do you think that?

I'm gobsmacked that you would make a comment like that. You chose to work. You think you should do less because you have children?

You have apologised, fair enough. But you should think about why you made that comment and the irrelevance of that if you want to be taken seriously at any workplace.

The relevance of the comment, the irrelevance of the situation.

I would be horrified and defensive if my head of department pulled me aside and spoke to me in that manner but I do not have to worry he is a professional and he never would. Her approach was awful however as you know your comment about having no children was in appropriate and unhelpful. I would be very quickly speaking to your union reps as to how to move forward from here. I agree with others though that you should consider working on your bluntness because very often one person's bluntness is almost certainly another person's rudeness.