Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Rather was the boy's mother to allow him to play at our house without checking on him for 5 hours...

77 replies

cfc · 06/06/2013 06:31

This lovely boy (7) passed by my gate at about 10am on Monday and my little boy (4) invited him in. The other boy, let's call him Sam, said ask your mummy so my fella did and I said of course he can come to play, but I told Sam to let his mum know where he was.

He wasn't in school because he had an eye appointment later in the afternoon.

So they played so well together all day. We fed him here and he was such lovely company for our little one. We face painted and played in costumes and he was honeslty just so nice and polite. He loved the baby too - he's a gentle little soul and we like having him round.

Anyway, my point is that his mother didn't come to check on him the whole time he was here. I sent him to his mum's to ask if she had made lunch for him otherwise we'd feed him. He said she hadn't so we fed him. We also went on a walk to the shop for icecream (it was so hot) and again I told him to ask his mum if he could come with us.

It isn't normal surely for a mum to a) not check on him, b) not check us out and c) not ensure he wasn't being a nuisance.

I spoke to my own mum and she reminded me of my little sister's friend who was always around ours. It turned out that her mum smoked weed a lot and was just happy to have her daughter out of her hair for a hew hours. Sam told me his mum was pregnant and it might be twins (along with a whole host of other personal info about the family!!).

Also, it was his 10 year old sister who called him home to his appointment (which was at 3.30 - he should have surely gone to school?!).

My mum (grouch) also warned me that this could become a regular thing and to watch out as he'll be round here the whole time. He actually has been here Tue and Wed eve but is lovely so I don't actually mind. The child isn't the problem, I'm thinking that his mother's nonchalance is unreasonable.

What do you think?

Ps - I would have gone round to her house, but I have 3 children and don't want to schlep around there with them in tow.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 06/06/2013 08:05

If the op felt uncomfertable with the situation she should have sent the boy home,not let him stay there so she could pass judgement on someone elses parenting.

cocolepew · 06/06/2013 08:10

He went home 3 times, so his mum did see him.

JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 08:24

I'd have gone along to his house with him en route to buy the ice cream, just to check that he really had checked in.

I also would have given him a note with my number and asked for hers.

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 08:26

Ok he went home 3 ties to ask mum, surely she should have gon roun and made hersef known, incidently instead of sending him back to,his house to ask mum, you should have taken him round an asked her yourself

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 08:26

And introduced yourself

Llareggub · 06/06/2013 08:35

Ah, this could be me. I live in a very quiet street and my DCs have made friends with a little boy a few doors down. He has a 15 month old brother and his mother tells me that my boys being there make her life a bit easier as they entertain the older one.

At first I felt awful that they were there so much and try and encourage them all to my house as much as possible, but the other garden is the stuff of boy's dreams.

I am a single parent and use the time to catch up on all the stuff I struggle to do when they are around. Maybe it looks like I don't care where my boys are but I absolutely do. They now run between our houses and play together for hours.

Now, I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old and they walk to their pal's house alone. There are no roads to cross and they have blossomed with the freedom. Their friend (aged 4) walks alone to our house. I know that other people would not be OK with this but we are.

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 08:41

Surely llare you would like to meet the mum who is having your ds round and see who they are. I would not be happy for dc to go round to chidrens house and I have not met their parents. Thanked them and asked whether its ok to,have dc round

JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 08:46

I wouldn't be terribly worried about the kind of house my child was in (if it was that bad then ds wouldn't want to be there anyway) but I would be worried in case he was being an inconvenience.

I always have to say "please send him back if he's any trouble" - some people (not me) pussyfoot around other people's children and won't tell them off or don't like to upset them if they need them to leave.

JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 08:46

Llare "his mother tells me that my boys being there make her life a bit easier" - this puts a whole different spin on things - you've talked with the mother and know it's OK.

DeepRedBetty · 06/06/2013 08:50

I can't get my head around the fact that this little boy's mother has made no effort to contact you. Did you give your phone number to him to give to her?

hamilton75 · 06/06/2013 08:55

YANBU. The mum doesn't know you are your family from Adam. What the hell was she thinking?

cfc · 06/06/2013 08:57

I don't really want to pop into his house to be honest, with my 7 month old, my (bolter) 2 year old and the eldest boy. It's just too much of a pain!

I didn't invite a random child into my home. I am pretty sure I explained above (can't check) but I wil do incase I didn't but he passed the gate, the children got talking, my little one said "can Sam come in to play?" I said "yes, but he has to go and ask him mum if it's ok and let her know you're at number * Sam, ok" he said ok and gave me the thumbs up heartsong* and came back.

We've just seen him on the way to pre-school riding his bike and had a little chat with him. He's a love.

My eldest is 4 - I suppose I'm trying to get a feel as to whether this is normal at the older age. But aside from all the safety issues, I would be worried that my child was being a pain in the bum! Maybe she's really confident in him that he'll be good. And he really has been! He's been great.

I just can't see me letting my 7 year old away from the house at some stranger's house for 5 hours straight without introducing myself to the host. Safety/politeness etc. You get a feel about certain people around your children, don't you?

OP posts:
samuelwhiskers · 06/06/2013 08:58

YANBU. Give the other mum the benefit of the doubt, she is pregnant with twins BUT she never spoke to you the whole 5 hrs. I find that strange tbh. I think you will be seeing a lot more of this boy when the twins are born......free childcare for her and she doesn't have to entertain him.

cfc · 06/06/2013 09:00

I will give her my number actually. If not just so she can let me know if she needs anything or would like me to have him for dinner - it's as easy to include him as to not! And yesterday evening he was asking me who I was making dinner for and I think hinting that he wanted some! Bless.

OP posts:
cfc · 06/06/2013 09:02

Also, whoever said I was judging her parenting, that's unfair. I am not. I think she's done a stellar job, he's a pleasure to have around! She's on her own so she can take full credit for him.

If anything, I'm judging her judgement and manners! Or lack thereof.

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 09:05

Some thoroughly crap parents have delightful children who are often too compliant, and rather lonely.

She might be great of course but I would be a bit concerned.

randgirl · 06/06/2013 09:07

Yes I think its a little odd.

cfc · 06/06/2013 09:15

In a similar yet entirely different scenario (if that makes sense) our next door neighbour has a 6 and 8 year old and when my boy invited them in (I must talk to him about this!) and I sent them to ask their own mother she came across with them to meet me and ask if it's ok and told me to send them back when they're doing my head in. Again, these are great kids and I love having them here. I'm now getting to know their mum and hope we'll be friends.

Whenever they are here, she comes over at least once to ensure all is well.

So this was my first interaction with another parent in the area in this circumstance and my only comparison to Sam's mum.

Also, re: her pregnancy, I got the impression from talking with the little boy that his mother isn't sure it's twins at all and is really early doors pregnant - no bump or due date or anything - according to him anyway! He's very switched on. That's just the impression I got from chatting with him. He volunteers A LOT of info...

OP posts:
Jan49 · 06/06/2013 09:17

YABU. You allowed a stranger's 7 y.o. to come into your house and you relied on him checking with his mum that he was OK to be there. So you don't even know for sure if he did check or give the correct house number to his mum. I wouldn't invite the 7 y.o. in unless by arrangement with a parent that I knew. You could have asked him if he knew his phone number and you could have at least phoned and asked.

So IMPO he shouldn't have been allowed in but his mother should have known where he was and not allowed him in your house either. Never mind politeness, what about safety?

JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 09:20

Some of that info might be Jackanory, cfc - or at least a little imaginative.

I've heard all sorts from one of ds's friends - really tragic stuff. Years later when I knew the mother better as a friend rather than as one of the other parents, it transpired that it was an amalgam of soap plot lines and overheard conversations/gossip Grin

Which isn't to say that none of it is true.

cfc · 06/06/2013 09:23

Yes, I didn't think about asking him if he knew his number.

I know now that he did tell her the correct details as she sent round her 10 year old to collect him at 3.

I suppose better he was in here that flying around the streets on a massive bike (way too big for him!).

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 06/06/2013 09:23

Meh.

Depends on the area.

Where I am the kids are always in and out of each others houses/gardens. Some age gap friendships too - its just that they make friends with whoever else is around playing at the time.

I do not know or have even met all of the other parents on the street but they all know ds Grin

D0oinMeCleanin · 06/06/2013 09:31

I guess it depends where you live. Kids round here are always doing this. We've had a few kids we've never met before turn up to "play for a bit" and end up spending the entire day with us. One stayed a whole weekend Shock Equally my kids "go to play" at their friends house and come home hours later having had their lunch and dinner. I know where they are and if they go out anywhere they always call in to tell me.

I do get a bit cats bum face when 6/7yos turn up on my doorstep at 9:30pm, dressed only in shorts and a t-shirt and ask if 6yo dd2 is playing out. I usually pop an old coat on them and walk them home. This has only started happening since the nights became lighter. If it's the weekend I explain that dd2 is not allowed out after 8pm and invite them in for popcorn and dvds, but only after sending them home with dd1 to check it's okay with their mum and find out what time they need to be home.

It's always the same two girls. I think mum struggles to cope a bit, she's a single parent to three. The two girls and a younger boy. They're always out in the street. I caught the little boy running nekkid into the park yesterday morning with mum screeching at him from the doorstep Sad I'd ring SS but I don't think it's bad enough for their involvement, the kids look happy, clean normally dressed okayish and are fed and the two girls are in school regularly. I think it's just a bit chaotic in their house.

cfc · 06/06/2013 11:33

Yes, I think it does depend on where you live. Our road is a bit like that, in and out of each others' houses - at least I think it is, this experience is our first foray into that world!

To be honest, i love it. I love a housefull of mad kids running around and so does my eldest who could really have done with being a little brother, not the biggest one!

Don't get me wrong, when 7.30 comes it's all about me and my husband.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 06/06/2013 11:39

I would have walked him back cfc with children in tow to check with mum, and meet her. It's not like back in the day, you do have to be careful, tbh I would not feel happy with dc playing in a house where I have not tempt the parents. Just because they are parents does not make them trustworthy.