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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give as a wedding gift?

81 replies

concernedmate · 05/06/2013 15:52

DH and I can not decide on an agreeable amount.

Its for my oldest friends daughter's wedding, we have been friends 30 years and although we now live miles away and only get to see each other every few years.

Her dd and partner have asked for £££ as they are setting up a new home and I am more than happy to send a cheque as not able to make it to the wedding as had a previous engagment. How much would you send. We do not have an unlimited amount of money, but sending some money would not cause too much of a problem to us.

Asking for opinions before I reveal amounts dh and I are suggesting.

TIA

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 05/06/2013 17:30

I would hate people to feel like they had to pay to be guests at my wedding.

I would probably send £20.

Jan49 · 05/06/2013 17:30

I would give £20-£30 (sorry Astley, but I don't eat at McDonald's either!). A relative remarried in her 60s a few years ago and we were invited to the wedding but didn't go. They hadn't asked for anything. I sent £30 (from myself and dc). I wouldn't see it as related to how much the couple spend on the meal or the wedding. It seems astonishing to me that a couple might get given thousands of pounds in cash as presents if they invite lots of people and £50 is treated as normal.

For birthdays and Christmases for close family children and best friend's children I spend or give about £20.

But if I couldn't afford £20 I'd give £10 or send a small present. I like the idea of photo frames that someone mentioned.

CAF275 · 05/06/2013 17:35

We have always been given at least 6 months notice of a wedding so have had a chance to do some saving.

Seriously Astley? Personally I would never add buying a wedding present to the list of things to be saved for - that's just nuts.

Your point about comparing what to give to what the wedding costs is completely barmy. So if a dear friend has very wealthy parents or gets up to their eyeballs in debt to put on a huge lavish affair, you think I should shell out more on their gift than a similar friend who goes for a cheap and cheerful do?

hollyisalovelyname · 05/06/2013 17:36

I would have said 200 pounds

piprabbit · 05/06/2013 17:38

concerned, that sounds like the perfect compromise - a cash gift and something a little more personal too!

hollyisalovelyname · 05/06/2013 17:42

Astley I'm with you. Am amazed at the tightness of people. I am not in the U. K . So perhaps wedding gift / voucher giving is different - different culture etc. also of course peoples' income differs widely.

Autumn12 · 05/06/2013 17:43

Most of our friends gave around £20 as a wedding gift at our wedding. This seemed to be the average amount from single friends and couples, regardless of their personal financial situations.

It didn't come anywhere near to covering the cost of their food, drinks or the free transport we laid on for them. But that wasn't why we invited them. We had the wedding that we wanted, that we could afford and any gifts were a lovely bonus.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2013 17:48

If you cannot afford £50, then £30 is fine. The idea of saving for a fecking wedding gift is preposterous as is this idea that you should pay equivalent for your rubber chicken, tasteless prawn marie rose and sour white wine. Then why not skip the wedding and head for your fav restaurant, where at least you know the food is good?

usualsuspect · 05/06/2013 17:50

True,expat. At least you wouldn't have to sit through the dreary speeches if you bypassed the wedding completely.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2013 17:51

£200?! You people must be loaded. This is one of the most expensive places to live in the world and wages are low. And yet you're accused of being 'tight' for not splashing cash you don't have?

Giraffe213 · 05/06/2013 17:55

Wishiwasanheiress, when I got married we were given way too many photo frames, and 'nice' is a very subjective concept Grin (we didn't mention gifts at all and didn't have a wedding list either so guests were very much left to their own devices).

I personally think £20 is fine unless it's a really close friend or family member, but I guess it depends on the circles you move in. I think we received a few £10s which is less than I would give someone but I definitely didn't look at anyone's gift and think, wow, that was really tight of them! I just don't view presents in that way - they are voluntary and chosen by the person who gives them, not the recipient.

Astley · 05/06/2013 17:59

Ok I did not say I saved for a solid 6 months. My point was we've always had a decent amount of notice so the month of 2 before we've been able to factor in a wedding to our expenses.

It's not like we go to one a month. The average cost of attending a wedding is something like £400, so I don't think it's 'preposterous' to put a bit of money aside when you know you have a wedding coming up.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 05/06/2013 18:18

We attended a wedding last weekend - Husband was best man. We gave £30. No way I was going to give more - We'd already forked out for the stag do, outfits, travel costs, accommodation and then we got the 'we'd like money instead of gifts' memo...

We made a point of not doing this at our wedding as being quite young (25 & 26) we knew that many of our friends were not exactly rolling in it and would find it quite embarrassing to have to specify a monetary amount.
The people that wanted to give money still did which was lovely.

Personally I think you always end up giving way more than you would ever buy in gift form. My very closest friend bought us two beautiful candlesticks which I know weren't expensive but we love and she probably didn't even spend a tenner on them.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 18:35

I always give less in cash than I would have spent on a present if people are rude enough to request money. Even less if they request it with a cringeworthy poem.

I wouldn't give anything if I couldn't go to the wedding, but if I did go, it would be £30.

Gifts should have no relation whatsoever to the price spent on each guest. For one thing, you don't know how much is going to be spent! How do you know before the day if you are going to get one measly glass of wine or the drink is going to be free flowing? How do you know how much they have spent on food etc?

hollyisalovelyname · 05/06/2013 18:59

I'd hate the Royal Doulton tea light holders personally. Not a fan of other people choosing my ornaments. I'm looking at you mil Smile

GibberTheMonkey · 05/06/2013 19:01

Do I get to give less then because I dont drink wine
When we got married I was 21 so quite a few of my friends were still students. Most presents we got from them were cheap or they clubbed together and didn't come to anywhere near what we spent. We even helped pay for their accommodation.
But do you know what I don't care. All the presents were appreciated and I'm just glad they came because they're our guests and we invited them because we love them.

SteamPink · 05/06/2013 19:06

I'm 26, an old friend is getting married (I can't go) and I've sent £100. Like Astley I'd be embarrassed to send £20.

usualsuspect · 05/06/2013 19:30

I'm glad my friends don't expect £100 wedding presents

pineapplecrush · 05/06/2013 19:38

We had a collection at work for a much liked colleague. My colleagues put in £5 each - only a small office so if I'd have put the same in would only have amounted to £20 from 4 of us. - we were going to the evening reception. I felt embarrassed giving such a collective small amount so bought my own card and enclosed a £25 cheque and gave the bride/groom my colleagues card as well. Didn't tell my colleagues as they made it very clear they thought £5 was enough. Interesting what people think is OK.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2013 19:40

'It's not like we go to one a month. The average cost of attending a wedding is something like £400, so I don't think it's 'preposterous' to put a bit of money aside when you know you have a wedding coming up.'

I think it's preposterous to accept spending an average of that much money just to attend a wedding. Goes to show you how ridiculous and OTT some people have become about weddings.

SteamPink · 05/06/2013 19:48

But attending a wedding is a privilege, isn't it? I would never moan about having to buy a new outfit - no-one's insisting you buy yourself new clothes. Seeing a couple you care about get married is an honour and generally one they're paying a lot for you to have... Reading this thread makes me more determined to have a small wedding.

apostropheuse · 05/06/2013 19:54

People's disposable income varies so much that I don't think it's possible to say what you should spend on a wedding present. If I were a multi-millionaire (I'm not!) I would probably give a much larger gift than I would give if I were not working or if I was on a low income.

For one person to give £20 for a gift is the equivalent of another person giving e.g. £200, relatively speaking.

If you mix in circles where people earn huge amounts of money it would look mean to give a tiny present, conversely if have a very low income peer group then small presents are both expected and reasonable.

apostropheuse · 05/06/2013 19:56

Attending a wedding is a privilege

Good grief.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 20:01

A wedding is a lovely thing to be invited to be part of, but I wouldn't go as far as to say its a privilege.

Its even more lovely to be a bride and groom and have people make the effort to attend your wedding.

Neither the guest or the host are more privileged or honoured than the other. Neither would have the same enjoyment of the day without the other.

Asheth · 05/06/2013 20:32

It's not much of a privilege if you're expected to pay £100 for it and looked down on if you can't afford very more than £20! Personally i felt very privileged that so many people made the effort to come to our wedding and was very grateful for all the presents - however much was spent on them.

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