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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give as a wedding gift?

81 replies

concernedmate · 05/06/2013 15:52

DH and I can not decide on an agreeable amount.

Its for my oldest friends daughter's wedding, we have been friends 30 years and although we now live miles away and only get to see each other every few years.

Her dd and partner have asked for £££ as they are setting up a new home and I am more than happy to send a cheque as not able to make it to the wedding as had a previous engagment. How much would you send. We do not have an unlimited amount of money, but sending some money would not cause too much of a problem to us.

Asking for opinions before I reveal amounts dh and I are suggesting.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedmate · 05/06/2013 16:34

Thanks all.

DH said £50 and I thought £25 was a good amount. :)

OP posts:
MonstersDontCry · 05/06/2013 16:40

I've never been to a wedding. Do people really give £100+? I'd be so embarrassed if people gave me that much at my wedding! Wow how naive I must be! Blush

2cats2many · 05/06/2013 16:43

We usually give between 100 and 200 depending on who it is.

MotherofDragons82 · 05/06/2013 16:43

Astley - are you saying your circle of friends/family would usually give much more than that? Or less? It's not very clear.

I got married last year and most friends gave us £20 or £30. Close family gave us £100 or so, while evening guests gave us £10 tokens or a gift worth roughly the same amount, such as a bottle of wine.

TheSurgeonsMate · 05/06/2013 16:45

Go with £40 then. £37.5 is just weird. Smile

Astley · 05/06/2013 16:46

Sorry, I just read it back myself and it wasn't that clear Blush

I mean that I can't imagine anyone in real life turning up to a wedding, especially as a couple and not giving at least £50. But if you believed everything you read you'd think half the population rocked up with a tenner in a card Hmm I just don't believe that really happens as often as you'd be led to believe. You have to be pretty thick skinned to do that IMO.

Asheth · 05/06/2013 16:46

A few people gave us £20 or £20 vouchers. I was very happy with that. It had never occurred to me that it could be considered stingy.

SixPackWellies · 05/06/2013 16:49

Yes, we would usually say about £30 per person invited. So £60 or £70.

Astley · 05/06/2013 16:51

I think if you are a couple £20 is pretty darn stingy if you're having a sit down meal.

I think the gift should have some relation to the costs of the day.

SixPackWellies · 05/06/2013 16:52

Or, give a gift of the amount you suggested plus a rose bush for them to plant in their garden. A lovely gesture I think, and is very generous and special.

Pootles2010 · 05/06/2013 16:53

It massively differs, as this thread shows! I'd normally give between 30-50, probably 50 in your case, if you can afford!

I'd normally say i'd only expect parents to give over 100 to their children, iyswim, but I guess families differ hugely.

Pootles2010 · 05/06/2013 16:55

Sorry Astley I think thats really mean-spirited - you're not paying for your meal, its a gift!

£20 is totally normal, and I think you're being a bit harsh if I'm honest. Not everyone can afford that kind of money you know Hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/06/2013 16:55

We give £80-100+ to good friends, and when we got married we received anything from £60-£300 from people who had that relationship with us (old friends of parents).

I think you should go with your DH's figure.

Fluffy1234 · 05/06/2013 16:56

£30

Astley · 05/06/2013 17:01

I don't think it's mean spirited to not want to be seen to take the mick. If you are invited to a wedding with a lovely sit down meal for 2 people, probably with wine too, I don't think it's very nice to give them a present that is probably equal to the cost of a Maccy D's for 2 Hmm

Equally I wouldn't send DS to a soft play party that I know is £12.95 per child with a £1 box of maltesers as I think that starts to look pretty stingy.

I don't mean I would find a present worth exactly £12.95 then whatever I thought the party bag and cake would be worth, but I would get a decent present.

Original poster
concernedmate · 05/06/2013 17:01

Its good to get a wide variety of answers.

The wedding is done on the cheap (nothing wrong with that) its a registry office and then back to the local social club for a buffet.

Considering I was not attending I thought £25 was an good amount as they do not have much money, and if I had been attending I probably would of spent £25 on a gift anyway.

We compromised and sent the chq for £25 and said I will drop them a little something in when I visit in a month.

OP posts:
SybilRamkin · 05/06/2013 17:03

It depends totally on how well off you are! Your friend will presumably have some kind of idea, so unless you're struggling I'd say £50 is a more appropriate figure.

OrangeLily · 05/06/2013 17:07

I would give £40 or £50 but then at our wedding people gave anything from the equivalent of £20 up to cash for thousands of pounds. Really depends on what you can afford.

MotherofDragons82 · 05/06/2013 17:10

But, Astley, what you're suggesting there is that people who aren't very well-off shouldn't go to these weddings with a "lovely sit-down meal."
What should we do, avoid our friends' weddings for fear of being seen to "take the mick"?

At my wedding I didn't want people to feel awkward about gifts, so didn't have a gift list. Most people still gave us something, as I said before, and yes there were some tenners in cards. I honestly didn't mind.

I therefore thought that most people felt like me, and tbh I'm feeling quite embarrassed now, having just been to a fancy wedding and giving a gift worth around £10, as we simply couldn't afford any more.
It makes me squirm to think that the couple may have thought DH and I were "taking the mick." But the fact is that weddings are expensive as guests, even before a gift is taken into account.

Back to the OPs question though - as these answers illustrate, it totally depends how well-off you are. Perhaps go for £30 as a compromise with your DH.

Astley · 05/06/2013 17:17

It's just my personal opinion. We have always been given at least 6 months notice of a wedding so have had a chance to do some saving.

It's probably my issue, but I wouldn't want my friends and family to think we were talking advantage. I'm not at all suggesting people totally cripple themselves to afford a present, but I do think people on here exaggerate what they would actually do.

Pootles2010 · 05/06/2013 17:18

Frankly I think anyone who thinks you are 'taking the mick' is vulgar and money grabbing. You give what you can afford.

I'd be horrified if I thought my friends were struggling/putting themselves in debt to give me a wedding present, but then I wouldn't be able to afford a posh wedding either.

Astley · 05/06/2013 17:20

I guess the talking advantage element is like going to a friends house for a meal and turning up with an 18p bottle of fizzy water. Most people would bring a bottle of something a little bit nicer than they have at home or some nice chocolates/flowers.

Otherwise you run the risk, in my eyes, of just looking like you are out for a free meal.

Pootles2010 · 05/06/2013 17:21

Yes but most can afford a £5 bunch of flowers/chocolates, wheras £50 is a quite a lot of money.

MotherofDragons82 · 05/06/2013 17:22

Astley, when you say "We have always been given at least 6 months notice of a wedding so have had a chance to do some saving"... you don't have a bloody clue, do you.

Astley · 05/06/2013 17:24

Why? Most people don't get engaged on the Thursday and married on the Saturday.

These days a large proportion of people are engaged for year or more. So it doesn't exactly come out of the blue.