Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:22

Merrymouse

I don't think it is just semantics, the word failure or to have failed is so final.
Yes, it is important to encourage them to try hard and take risks that may or may not work out.
My point is when they don't work out they haven't failed.
Hence, none of my dc have ever failed anything. So far they have passed (as minimum) all exams and tests, interviews etc. However, even if they hadn't they have been brought up not to see it as failure because on a positive rather than negative note they will have learned possibly several things from the experience.
Its just how I feel, my mindset. Probably stemming from everyone in my childhood except my parents telling me I was a failure.
It does seem to work and haven't found a time yet where it hasn't, but dd youngest is only 9, so who knows Grin

wordfactory · 05/06/2013 19:24

Fear of failure is utterly corrosive and one of the things I'm most pushy about, is encouraging my DC to do things well out of their comfort zone...

seeker · 05/06/2013 19:30

Well......if you don't pass a music exam, for example, you've failed it!

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:31

Fear of trying something because it might not work out is what I too am pushy about, especially as we seem to be a creative sort of family.Most with free spirits Grin.
However, failure is not an option when assessing or self assessing someones performance or ability in our family.
It is about what you have gained from the experience, how you could improve, what you would change etc, not if you passed, feel successful or whatever. Surely a positive is far better to move on from than a big negative.
My glass is always half full as well, never half empty.

seeker · 05/06/2013 19:33

So what do you gain from failing a music exam?

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:36

Seeker.

Not in my book Grin

You did not meet the necessary marks to pass. You could have gained some points which means you have knowledge, which you applied. You have learned how to do this. Ok, no points gained. Maybe the instrument isn't for you, or you were ill prepared etc.
Far better to go through all of this than tell little Johnny, you failed. Even with positive comments and suggestions afterwards, the word failure (negative) is what Johnny will believe.

merrymouse · 05/06/2013 19:36

As other people don't have such an aversive reaction to the word failure, I think it is semantics. I'm not sure that there is much point in avoiding a word that is in common every day use.

nooka · 05/06/2013 19:42

Sorry but I think when little Johny gets his marks and knows they do not constitute a pass he will know perfectly well he has failed. How you respond to that is up to you of course, but he will have failed the exam. I can't see that sugar coating it is particularly helpful. Like most people fail at least one driving test or interview it's a pretty normal part of life.

I failed one of my exams spectacularly and got a U. I failed! The word didn't end. I was a bit less cocky afterward though Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:43

Merrymouse.

It isn't the fact that my dc may not be all that, I do think they have to learn lessons from things not going well, or right, or as good as they wanted them too. My aversion to the word is like I said its final, negative, and imo serves no purpose.
But I know that's just me. Grin
I don't think I'm a pushy mum though, but some may think I am Grin

Lazyjaney · 05/06/2013 19:48

"So what do you gain from failing a music exam?"

You learn more about what you need to do to pass it next time
You learn that some things in life have to be earned by effort
You learn to deal with disappointment and setback
You learn a bit more about how the world really works.
You learn that your frigging mother was nuts to put you up for Grade 1 violin at 4 Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:48

nooka

Maybe I didn't explain myself properly, Its a problem I have. Smile

I don't see not passing an exam, or test, or something not going right as failing. I'm not saying I expect my dc to pass everything.
None of them will ever feel like failures, even if they don't pass the test, interview, exam etc. It is something that was important to me and dh. Failing isn't an option because we don't recognise the word nor the connotations associated with it.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 19:51

Lazyjaney.

As you said above, is the reason I don't accept it as failure. So much learned there.
To me not passing is not failure.

merrymouse · 05/06/2013 19:54

I think the purpose is that instead of saying "did not meet the necessary marks to pass" which is a bit wordy you can say "failed" which means the same thing. It's like saying "duck" instead of "creature like a bird that likes water".

seeker · 05/06/2013 19:57

I don't see any problem at all with a child knowing that they have failed at something. Pretending it is something else is patronising in the extreme! Learning how to handle failure with resilience and grace is a crucial life lesson.

The problem is a child feeling that they are a failure. That is a very different thing. And that is what needs to be avoided at all costs.

merrymouse · 05/06/2013 19:58

"Ooh look there is a large brown and white animal that isn't a horse eating that green pointy stuff on the ground".

pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 19:59

Headsdown, I'm another who doesn't think their children are exceptional in any way. They have been given every chance to succeed and lots of support along the way and long may this continue.

From time to time other people make comments about my DC and how 'good' they are at various things, I find it a little bit embarrassing.

I am currently playing 'shut the box' with my 6 year old at his request before bed.

nooka · 05/06/2013 20:04

Boomba I think there are similar studies showing that a disproportionate number of prison inmates are also dyslexic or have learning difficulties.

Certainly my ds's brain is wired differently, and that brings benefits along with the downsides. But the downsides are also very real. We've always felt he has the potential to change the world, but also to do very badly.

dd who is bright and hardworking and has no learning difficulties is I think more likely to do well (but possibly not be spectacular)

nooka · 05/06/2013 20:05

Totally agree seeker.

HabbaDabba · 05/06/2013 20:05

My kids both were Grade 8 violin before they left primary school but they have friends who are concert level at the same age. So no, I don't think that my DCs are gifted.

They are predicted As and A for their GCSEs but they have friends who are predicted a clean slate of A and this is without breaking sweat. So no, I don't think that my DCs are exceptional.

I love how some people take a few mega pushy parents or ultra snobby private parents that the read about and then extrapolate it and come up with a "most pushy parents/indie parents are xyz' generalisation.

seeker · 05/06/2013 20:07

"I am currently playing 'shut the box' with my 6 year old at his request before bed."

Are you suggesting that this is a "pushy" thing to do? Hmm

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 20:09

Seeker

Yes, thats the problem though. I believe, if you hear the word failure often enough you start believing it.
If your dc need 5 GCSE's grade A-C to attend Uni, have they failed if they get 4 and one is a D. Of course they haven't, they will probably have to rethink but they haven't failed anything. The life they make for themselves will probably be more akin with who they really are, rather than what they are not. That too me is success not failing to get into Uni.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 20:10

to me, not too. it's been a long day Grin

Boomba · 05/06/2013 20:11

haha...yes seems you're right nooka

see, I do think my dd is fantastic. She has dyslexia, and she works really really hard at school and has made phenomonal progress

I think probably having a child with SEN, gives you a different take on the education system

morethanpotatoprints · 05/06/2013 20:20

I am dyslexic and dyspraxic and had the most awful childhood due to the associations of "failing". My dd is dyslexic and ds2 has aspergers.
Failing is just not an option.
People ask if I think dd will do as well as ds1? What sort of question is that. Do as well with what? Life? Well as this is personal to the individual, how on earth are you to know.
You do your best to prepare your dc for life, nurture, encourage, educate and support. How successful and happy they feel with their lot in life is due to their personality, beliefs etc. To me believing you can do anything you set your mind to is something that comes from not being a failure.