to be utterly fucked off re my family pressuring me to 'beautify' myself?

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

One of my sisters is getting married soon. My Mum, Dad, and sisters are obsessed with 'beautifying' me in advance of the wedding. Now, I am a tall, fit size 10. I beat anorexia in my early 20s, so since then have been very much in to healthy eating and exercising. I like to dress well etc. Not good enough for my family though. Every time I see them, they advise me to go on a diet (happy as I am), get highlights (like my hair dark, as it naturally is), and do sunbeds. I am very pale and have moles, so sunbeds would be a ridiculous idea. Told them this. My Mum's response? 'Don't be silly, you will be fine'. Had lunch with my Mum and sister today, spent a whole fecking hour listening to diet plans and sunbed recommendations.

I have spent years working on my self esteem, AIBU to want to tell them to piss off and leave my pasty skinned, dark haired self alone?

Congratulations on beating anorexia! I'd just grit your teeth and ignore them if I were you. I used to have a "friend" who always used to suggest I went on a make over program. I think she thought it was some sort of compliment. I don't see her anymore.

They don't know what they are talking about anyway as tans are not fashionable now anyway.

Give them phone numbers for the local psychologist & nutritionist and tell them to go and sort out their problems because they obviously have self esteem issues.

You on the otherhand are fine and normal so do not need cosmetic interventions.

How fucked-up, self-centred and shallow they sound. Stand your ground. You know that you are already beautiful. They, on the other hand...

You just need to ignore them- anyone who talks about dieting to someone who suffered from anorexia is a dangerous loon!
Don't even engage in the conversation- smile, nod and do your own thing.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Ignore them. You are a natural woman!

What is it with some women and sunbed/fake tans? They are obsessed.

Drove through Epsom Downs yesterday on the way to my mums. It was the Derby and there were hundreds of done up women walking along the grass verges towards the stands. They were almost, to a woman all browny-orange and staggering along in very silly shoes. It was like a river of tango. Horrid.

Tans are not obligatory! You will look lovely without one.

Your Mum had a problem with you eating after you had beaten anorexia.

I think that says it all love, she has major issues with body image herself, how about your sis? Is she healthy?

so so glad you are taking this for what it is, you should be very proud with the strength you are showing after suffering an illness many never recover from. Go you!! and fuck them

Do sun beds still exist? I thought they went out with the ark! I thought everyone >sweepingly judgemental< went and got themselves coloured in at a spray place!

Thing is, even the most rational of bride can go a bit woo*woo regarding wedding photos. I remember sending DH for a hair cut 4 weeks before the wedding - why? So he wouldn't have a white ring round his neck from over tanning whilst playing golf (which he would have done if he'd had his hair cut the day before the wedding!)

However, back to planet earth. If the rest of your family is tanned to buggery, you will look pale and interesting but a good photographer will be able to colour match you through photoshop!

I would go shopping for an outfit with someone whose opinion you can trust - or an a shop which might have someone who can advise. And I hope you have a good hairdresser making the best of what suits you, not what is in fashion, or perhaps get a glam put up style. Other than that and a touch of makeup you will look great.

Agree with what everyone else has said.

Plus, I'm pale and I love it. My mums not at all like yours from the sounds of it but she still teases me about being pale but at least I don't look like an old leather handbag

YANBU. You sound beautiful. I too am pasty and proud. Sun beds are horrible things.

Do sun beds still exist? I thought they went out with the ark!

Oh yes. The founder of the EDL used to own one. Says all you need to know.

a sun-bed salon, that is. Not an individual sun-bed.

It sounds like you know you're right and they're wrong. Well done. Don't forget it.

Garn. Just because your mother says it, doesn't make it true. Hurtful, yes, But Not True.

My mother spent years telling me my lips were too thin, my eyes too small, my forehead too high, and to pull my hair back because my father preferred it that way. What, so everyone can gawp at the thin-lipped, pasty, piggy-eyed slaphead? I think not.

Turns out, as an adult, none of the above is true. But my full applause to you for wriggling out from under the criticism, because it is so hard to shake. My sympathy and support to you. It's all very well coming up with snappy/funny answers to the comments, but what you want is to not be bothered by them in the first place.

Who knows what self-esteem problems they have to feel the need to insist you all gang together in a similar coloured tribe, but it's probably not something you can fix without really forcing a long discussion on them about the value of individual integrity.

YADNBU. I had exactly the same in the lead up to my sister's wedding a couple of years ago! More my sister's as my Mum is very anti makeup, though even she said "I'll be wearing make up and dying my hair brown so you should too."

I ended up letting them at me with make up and manicures and fake tanning and not dying my hair and growing my nails and everything else. The entire time they took the piss out of me. The fake tan didn't work and I still had my t-shirt lines (in October) which is 'manly' apparently. The manicures chipped within an hour of being done which was my fault for not having them before apparently. I looked orange from the make up on the day and my hair was a bitch to deal with later.

Tell them to fuck off, I really regret giving into the peer pressure!

good grief. stop seeing your family, or strictly limit contact. you sound fine, tall, slim, healthy and gloriously pale but they sound like weirdos.

YANBU. Just nod and smile. Say yes but do nothing. Even let them make appointments for you, just don't turn up. They will soon get the message. Whatever you do, make it their issue not yours!

You could always take the piss by having your hair dyed a lurid colour or getting a wig, & wearing lots of really fake-looking fake tan.

Agree they're being ridiculous - this is their problem not yours

I was told by various people to sun bed/spray tan for my wedding. I'm ginger - I would have looked ridiculous.
You are clearly doing marvellously.

Is there a collective term when the whole family turn into brideszillas?
Are you a bridesmaid? Not that that is any excuse for being this mental, rude and OTT.
If you are, just tell them they can take you as you are or not at all, and that you will be doing your own make up on the day so they don't try to tango you with foundation instead

Is it any surprise you developed anorexia with this background?

Their behaviour is damaging. Can you sit them down and explain this? If not, you need to distance yourself from them a little.

I would be tempted to tell your Mum that she's out of style. "Mum, pale is fashionable. Tanning is sooo last century..."

Seriously, though, with that background I am in awe that you managed to beat your ED. you sound beautiful to me. Snow White, as someone said up thread. "Skin white as snow, lips red as blood (not as red as you think!) hair dark as ebony."

Not that I'm biased having resisted the "friends" telling me to lighten my dark hair since I was 13. The most colouring my hair gets is henna once every few years. When I can be arsed to deal with the mess....

They sound dreadful. Ignore them.

I'm a fellow pale skinned, dark haired, fake tan refuser. A few years ago I went to a wedding were I was the only woman under 30 who was not bright orange. They took a photo of the all the female guests and I looked like a spectre. However, in years to come when orange fake tan is a laughable historical fad I will be vindicated!

YANBU. I hate it when people judge others on their own beauty/presentation standards.

One of my friends is constantly complaining that her mum doesn't look after herself or wear nice clothes. It's as if her mum does it to personally irritate her. She keeps asking her mum if she'd like to go shopping or to a spa together, her mum always says no. My friend genuinely can't grasp that her mum is happy in her comfortable clothes without wearing make up, and is resentful that all her 'nice days out' are turned down - she can't see that her mum would hate a day shopping.

Not saying you're like this girl's mum, you sound just like me, especially with the pale skin and refusing a tan (why the hell should we?!) but some people just can't grasp that people are different.