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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I made a mistake? Breastfeeding in front of child.

69 replies

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:01

I have a three week old I am breastfeeding. I didn't bf my first child so this is all quite new to me. It's been hard but I have persevered and now it seems to be working out quite well.

I am still quite nervous about doing it in public. Today I did it at a barbecue and no-one batted and eyelid. Great, I thought and it increased my confidence. Later today a neighbour's DD was at my house saying hello to the baby. Child is about ten/eleven. I really needed to feed the baby so I asked her to leave.
She asked to stay and responded by saying 'I won't look' when I told her I would be breastfeeding. I said 'two mins' then I sat down, and started feeding,

The girl started asking me loads of questions and it quickly became clear that she had some issues with it. She asked what breastfeeding actually was, why was I doing it and so on. I tried to explain. She seemed really surprised that breasts were for feeding, and claimed she had never heard of it before despite her earlier comment about not looking. Then she asked me if I 'let my husband watch' and 'Why have you not closed the curtains?' Again I tried to explain that it was my house and it is natural etc... but clearly the girl was becoming quite uncomfortable. I asked her as much and she nodded and looked like she was about to cry. Then she made her excuses and ran out of the house.

I feel really upset and shaky about it this incident. Have I just exposed myself to a child and traumatised them?! I KNOW I haven't really done anything wrong but I feel awful at upsetting a child. In the past this girl has made comments that indicate that she has been taught her body is dirty and has made odd comments about other families on the street. About them being 'paedos' and other comments about incestuous relations. I've dismissed them but have wondered what she is being taught at home and if it is age appropriate. She comes from a large family with younger siblings just as a bit of background.

Why do I feel so upset about this? Have I made a big mistake feeding in front of this girl?

OP posts:

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 01/06/2013 22:04

You haven't done anything wrong at all

Next time make her leave if she makes you feel uncomfortable

It seems she does have some issues but that is down to her parents, you shouldn't feel bad at all for feeding your child when it's hungry (especially in your own home)

If you feel uncomfortable answering questions tell her to ask her family instead

IneedAyoniNickname · 01/06/2013 22:04

You've done nothing wrong. The only way children will normalize bf is ny seeing it, this will make them more likely to bf themselves IMO.

Poor child.being taught her body is dirty :( do.you know her parents well enough to tell them what happened? Raise it as a 'bless her, she was so interested...' Maybe? Or ask if she was ok as she seemed upset?

happyAvocado · 01/06/2013 22:05

I breastfed both my kids (it was many hears ago :) they are 15 and 13 now)

I am not sure how I would react - you did the right thing explaining to her what's going on etc. No one in the right mind can criticize you for answering honestly to her questions.

Would you be able to perhaps have quiet word with her mum to explain what has happened and how her daughter reacted?

sillyoldfool · 01/06/2013 22:05

I think her parents have made mistakes in how they've educated her about her and other's bodies, you did nothing wrong.

rabbitlady · 01/06/2013 22:06

no. stop worrying. she didn't have anyone else to ask. you were breastfeeding your baby in your house.
next time, if you aren't comfortable, insist she (or whoever) leaves. its ok, you're the mum. you can do that.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2013 22:07

YOU did nothing wrong. I do wonder what's going on in her own house though?

GailTheGoldfish · 01/06/2013 22:07

No, you haven't done anything wrong, you fed your baby and if that brought up things for her then that is a separate issue. Do you have a DP you can talk to in RL? Sounds like you could do with some support. Be easy on yourself, having such a small baby and establishing feeding is bound to leave you feeling more sensitive than usual. Is there anyone you could talk to about your concerns for the girl? I hope you feel better soon.

QuietNinjaTardis · 01/06/2013 22:07

No you didn't make a mistake. Her family have obviously given her issues surrounding the body and if she was that uncomfortable she could have walked away. I feel sorry for her that she's been brought up that way but you did opnothing wrong.

rainbowslollipops · 01/06/2013 22:08

I think you're just shocked by how it ended. What started off an innocent interest turned into something worrying. Try not to worry or panic, you explained very well & were patient with her. You suggested she goes home, she turned down the suggestion but you didn't force her to leave. I don't see anything you did wrong. I DO think there is a cause for worry at what she's learning at home.

Rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2013 22:08

She came round to see the baby. She saw the baby and you feeding the baby. It's no big deal. I agree also that it's good to normalise bf.

Guitargirl · 01/06/2013 22:11

You haven't done anything wrong at all. You were feeding your child in your own home!

In hindsight she obviously had some problems with it but you weren't to know that. If I were you, I would mention it to her parents only because she is obviously picking these comments about the other families up from somewhere and that is likely to be from her parents. So, just to make it clear to them that you have absolutely nothing to hide I would bring it up with them (as she is likely to).

Sorry this happened like this at a time when you obviously need more confidence. Please don't let this affect your feeding in public.

Almostfifty · 01/06/2013 22:12

I breastfed (then bottle fed, but that's another story).

First one, I went into my bedroom whenever there were people around. By the time I had my fourth, I just got them out wherever and whenever needed, at the park, in restaurants, anywhere he needed it.

If this is the first time she's come into contact with breastfeeding, she'll be a bit confused. Next time, she'll probably not bother at all.

You are doing what's right for your baby, that's all that matters.

iccarus · 01/06/2013 22:13

Oh dear what a shame op. Don't let it break your confidence, you have done nothing wrong. Im a bit concerned for the girl though, it doesn't sound like a 'normal' reaction. Most kids are less embarrassed than adults about things like that and take it as they see it ime. Do you know her parents/home situation?

Hulababy · 01/06/2013 22:14

I would be surprised if a child of 10/11 didn't know what breastfeeding was. The PHSE curriculum for Y5 includes puberty and the reasons for puberty - which includes breast development and the reasons behind it all - ie to be able to feed a baby. This is recovered, along with hwow babies are "made" and , again, from DD's y6 PHSE booklet she completed, included feeding of a baby among other stuff. I guess the child could have been pulled out of them but they'd need to be very limited in their life and Tv viewing, etc to not be aware.

It's a great shame she seemed so negative about the whole thing. Hopefully this exposure to breastfeeding may enlighten her a little for her future.

pigletmania · 01/06/2013 22:15

My god you did nothing wrong op, just carry on as you are. This poor girl bvious ly has issues regarding her body which need to be dealt with. Mydd used to see me pumping r trying to feed ds and was naturally inquisitive so I was open ad honest

CloudsAndTrees · 01/06/2013 22:19

Obviously, you did nothing wrong. I would talk to her Mum now though to check if she's ok and to explain the situation.

Who is the child? Are you part of or close to her family?

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:22

Thank you, thank you! I felt so worried about it all. My DH has been supportive and tried to reassure me that I did nothing wrong.

I can't work out if I feel upset at inadvertently distressing a child, or if I was made to feel bad in my own home or possibly because the girl's attitude towards her body and bodily functions concerns me.

Poor thing genuinely looked appalled. It was a horrid moment.

I don't know the parents well enough to go round there to be honest. In fact am not entirely sure they like me, which makes it all even more of a worry.

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 01/06/2013 22:23

You did nothing wrong, you home, and your baby, i saw my mum breastfeed my 8 premie sister when i was 16, its totally normal to me.

NicknameIncomplete · 01/06/2013 22:25

My 9yr old knows about breastfeeding and has done for years. We have a lot of babies in our family so she knows everything even though no one in our family has actually breastfed.

Maybe this girl hasnt been around babies so doesnt know much about them & maybe her parents never thought to talk to her about it.

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2013 22:25

It sounds odd.

Why would a ten year old even think of asking if you let your husband watch? I'm assuming she said " Do you let Mr Thingiebob watch?" by the way and not "Do you let your husband watch?"

NicknameIncomplete · 01/06/2013 22:26

DO NOT feel bad about what happened as u did nothing wrong.

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2013 22:27

And obviously you did nothing "wrong"!

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:28

She has been around babies as she has younger siblings, although they were all bottle fed according to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:30

Salmo - No. She specifically asked 'Do you let your husband watch?' It was a rather uncomfortable question.

Why?

OP posts:

ComtessedeFrouFrou · 01/06/2013 22:33

Poor girl if, by this age, she hasn't had an adult who has prepared the ground with this sort of stuff. Some girls are starting their periods at this age.

In my view you have done her a huge service by normalising BF for her. Sounds like her family would be the type to turn up their noses at "that sort of nonsense" when she has children.

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