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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I made a mistake? Breastfeeding in front of child.

69 replies

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:01

I have a three week old I am breastfeeding. I didn't bf my first child so this is all quite new to me. It's been hard but I have persevered and now it seems to be working out quite well.

I am still quite nervous about doing it in public. Today I did it at a barbecue and no-one batted and eyelid. Great, I thought and it increased my confidence. Later today a neighbour's DD was at my house saying hello to the baby. Child is about ten/eleven. I really needed to feed the baby so I asked her to leave.
She asked to stay and responded by saying 'I won't look' when I told her I would be breastfeeding. I said 'two mins' then I sat down, and started feeding,

The girl started asking me loads of questions and it quickly became clear that she had some issues with it. She asked what breastfeeding actually was, why was I doing it and so on. I tried to explain. She seemed really surprised that breasts were for feeding, and claimed she had never heard of it before despite her earlier comment about not looking. Then she asked me if I 'let my husband watch' and 'Why have you not closed the curtains?' Again I tried to explain that it was my house and it is natural etc... but clearly the girl was becoming quite uncomfortable. I asked her as much and she nodded and looked like she was about to cry. Then she made her excuses and ran out of the house.

I feel really upset and shaky about it this incident. Have I just exposed myself to a child and traumatised them?! I KNOW I haven't really done anything wrong but I feel awful at upsetting a child. In the past this girl has made comments that indicate that she has been taught her body is dirty and has made odd comments about other families on the street. About them being 'paedos' and other comments about incestuous relations. I've dismissed them but have wondered what she is being taught at home and if it is age appropriate. She comes from a large family with younger siblings just as a bit of background.

Why do I feel so upset about this? Have I made a big mistake feeding in front of this girl?

OP posts:

Startail · 01/06/2013 22:34

If by that age a DC doesn't have the manners just to quietly ignore the fact your BFing and leave you alone or stay and chat to you about the baby in a sensible manner it's not your fault.

10/11 isn't little, by that age they should be able to decide for themselves if they are comfortable watching you feed and politely act according.

iccarus · 01/06/2013 22:34

I was in a similar situation the other day op when feeding my 4month old. There is a little girl about 9 who lives a couple of doors down and likes to play with my toddler, think she just likes little kids and wants to cuddle the baby. She watched me breastfeed, bit too close for my comfort really but was totally fine about it and just asked things like does it hurt, how often does he need it, he looks happy etc. She was totally fine with it. You no way did anything wrong but id be a bit concerned about her reaction really. Have you seen her since?

Clarecoakley · 01/06/2013 22:35

You have done nothing wrong. I was feeding my baby and my husbands daughter asked me loads and I just explained everything. Later that night I found her raising her baby to her chest for a drink just as mine was. That is what our body's are for. The question I would raise is what are her parents telling her what are breasts are and why she has them...what do they tell her cows milk comes from? Udders are just the same!!!!!!!

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2013 22:36

That's a very strange wording of a question from a ten year old "Do you let your husband watch?" As opposed to "Do you let Mr Thingiebob watch?"

I think that's quite odd.

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:36

I haven't seen her since. No,

OP posts:

Clarecoakley · 01/06/2013 22:37

Her dolly!!

CocacolaMum · 01/06/2013 22:37

How sad.
Putting aside that you were in your own home and well within your rights to breastfeed you did actually give her the opportunity to leave before you started!!

Behaviour is only considered natural if the child is brought up with it to be as such. How sad for her that this was such an unknown entity. This reflects more on her upbringing than your influence. was she just visiting on her own? it doesn't sound as though you know the family very well? seems a bit odd to me that they would send their child over on her own.

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2013 22:38

And yes, I can totally understand why you felt uncomfortable at that question, phrased the way it was!

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:38

Yes Salmo - it is.

She always refers to him as the 'husband' despite knowing both of us for about two years. She never calls him by his name, although to be fair it may be that she has forgotten it. She is always asking me to remind her of my name as well. I do think she may have some complex needs.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 01/06/2013 22:39

That that was a very dd thing to,say. I would have tod her in no uncertain terms that it was non of her business

Loulybelle · 01/06/2013 22:41

I think shes been taught that breasts are sexual, that its some kind of sexual act, probably why she asked if your husband watched, kinda sad.

Salmotrutta · 01/06/2013 22:42

Ah, well maybe if she has additional needs then that makes it easier to understand?

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:52

Coca - there is a large group of kids on my development and they often play together in front of the houses. My DD sometimes plays with them and because she is quite young I tend to sit out the front and supervise from afar. As a result I have got to know most of the kids and their parents but this particular family are not that interested in getting to know me. It is a bit odd as I know most of the families.

The girl was riding around outside on her bike when we arrived home from the bbq - we got talking and she asked if she could pop in and see the baby, then the above happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 22:55

Salmo - she does behave a bit oddly around my DH. Asks me lots of questions about him as well.

Louly - This is exactly what I am worried about and now she will be confused and distressed because she thinks I have done something wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 23:00

Also I am slightly paranoid I may have angered her parents and they will come knocking.

OP posts:

VisualiseAHorse · 01/06/2013 23:03

You haven't done anything wrong, and you MUST act normally if the same situation happens again. Say 'I'm going to breastfeed my baby, you don't have to stay' or something similar.

I would have told her in no uncertain terms that it was non of her business - now that would be a weird thing to say to a child. She is being inquisitive, not rude.

My little brother (age 7) was AMAZED last year when he saw me BF my boy. Because he is the youngest of my siblings he hadn't seen anyone BF before, and spent a good five minutes asking me questions, all with his face about 2 inches from my boobs. And to be honest, I've even had older girls (17-20 year old) ask me questions about BF, does it hurt, do you like it etc. It's normal to be inquisitive about something you don't know anything about.
This little girl sounds like she has been taught that boobs are for 'husbands' and not their primary function.

backforhelp · 01/06/2013 23:04

My DD has some learning/maturity difficulties which are not immediately apparent to people but which do mean that she asks people some pretty blunt/awkward/odd/repetitive questions on occasion. Just wondering if this is a possibility here.

LindyHemming · 01/06/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VisualiseAHorse · 01/06/2013 23:06

What will you say to her parents if they do come knocking? You need only be honest - "I needed to feed the baby, so I did. Your little girl asked some questions which I answered as best I could. Maybe you could talk with her to explain more about breastfeeding as she didn't seem to know that much?"

ConfusedPixie · 01/06/2013 23:11

I remember being a similar age and seeing somebody feed for the first time. I was fascinated by it. I didn't ask any questions as there was a language barrier but I do remember just watching as it was all quite peaceful and quiet, which may have made the Mum uncomfortable (family friend), I hope not though

BoffinMum · 01/06/2013 23:17

The tears were probably because at this age they often get into a flap and cry about all sorts of things. I don't think it has a lot to do with bf per se, just getting her head straight about sexuality. You did all the right things IMO and I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. You may have done her a favour in the long term by normalising bf and indeed the female breast.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/06/2013 23:21

You did nothing wrong at all.

But if her behaviour and line of questioning were exactly as you describe (not implying they weren't) then it makes me wonder what exactly goes on in her home.

At her age I'd have been curious but not like that.

FrickingFedUp · 01/06/2013 23:25

You have done nothing wrong. I come from a big extended family and saw all my aunts bfing - so hence it felt very natural to do it for my own child. If anything, you have done a good thing by showing this girl what a normal, natural thing bfing is.

Original poster

Thingiebob · 01/06/2013 23:26

See, I would teach my DD that boobs are for feeding first and foremost rather than 'for husbands'.

Thank you for everyone for reassuring me. I know I haven't done anything wrong but just wondered if it was ill judged to breastfeed in front of a naive child.

I'm not entirely sure I believed her when she said she had never heard of bf before.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/06/2013 23:27

The asking if you let your husband watch could have been to do with the slightly earlier conversation about her not looking.

But either way there is nothing wrong with bf if you wanted to you could stand up on the stage at wembley and do it in front of thousands of people and you wouldn't be doing anything wrong (morally obviously the band the people had paid to see may not be best pleased).

You haven't upset the girl whoever told her that there is something wrong with bodies and feeding baby's did so not you.

But and this may sound odd,it sounds like her parents may be teaching her some very very dramatic and strange things about other people I would be very careful about opening yourself up to becoming their next target( and I'm not saying this due to bf at all I would say the same if you ff) be wary about having this child or any of there children in your house without protecting yourself from the parents twisting things stuff, like if possible keep the front door open if she's inside yours, not closing curtains ect just make sure her visits are open and transparent.

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