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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone gave up work and found they argued less with their partner?

53 replies

DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 19:15

Hi I'm lucky to work term time only and the past three half terms I have found me and my dp hardly bicker/argue during the holidays.

Not sure if its because i am more relaxed, I enjoy my job but it can be stressful, or if its because I keep on top of the housework which is what we mainly bicker about.

I'm not in the position to be able to give up work but was wondering if anybody had and felt their relationship was happier. By the way it's only low level bickering mainly about chores and little everyday things we are generally happy.

OP posts:
KittensoftPuppydog · 01/06/2013 19:20

Yes. It's not rocket science really. Less things to stress about, more time to get chores done.

Original poster
DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 19:27

I suppose I wondered if it was a grass is greener thing. Or a novelty that would wear off after a while

OP posts:
Idocrazythings · 01/06/2013 19:28

Or get a cleaner, and meal plan (if you dont already) if you give up work you might feel more financially dependent and then stressed, or even resent him if you enjoy your job and have given it up.

Idocrazythings · 01/06/2013 19:29

I feel just as stressed not working. (Sorry didn't add that).

quesadilla · 01/06/2013 19:31

I work full time, as does my DH but I wouldn't be surprised if that's true. Having one partner at liberty to do more admin and housework would reduce stress.

Original poster
DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 19:32

Not an option for me to actually give up work and not sure I would want to really.

Dp gets in before me and picks up dcs and gets dinner on sorts out dishwasher. ds is 16 months and walking/climbing so needs lots of supervision, but I still come home and find things to pick on, it's made me realise how much of a nag I am!

OP posts:
KitNCaboodle · 01/06/2013 19:33

I gave up work in December. Best decision I have ever made. More chilled with the children and definitely not bickering half as much with my husband. Mine was a term time job too.

WuzzleMonkey · 01/06/2013 19:33

Not sure.

I worked til I went on m/l with my 2nd DD and then got made redundant.

When I worked p/t I felt that we were more 'equal' I did housework on my days off with DD but DH did a lot of stuff at the weekend too.

Now I'm at home with 2 dc I do all the housework in the week, which I am perfectly happy to do. But I do get really pissed off at the fact that DH basically doesn't lift a finger round the house at the weekends or holidays.

Take this week, for example. He's been off all week and I've done all the washing, cleaning etc. He's oblivious to it. I was doing homework with DD1 this morning and had to ask him to empty all the bins as he was just balancing crap in the bathroom bin. It wouldn't cross his mind to empty it.

So while we're pretty happy with our setup overall I get v resentful of the fact that at weekends and holidays I never get a break from work, while he does.

Eskarina · 01/06/2013 19:35

Hmm. I finished work (maternity leave) just over a week ago and it seems that all DH and I have done since then is bicker over silly things. Though this could be because I'm 35weeks pg with twins, have a toddler and am generally knackered and the house is nowhere near ready to accept two more babies into it

HazleNutt · 01/06/2013 19:37

giving up wouldn't work for us, but we've always had a cleaner and never had a fight..

Grammaticus · 01/06/2013 19:38

I gave up work three years ago. DH is in a high earning high stress job. I do all the housework, shopping, laundry... He has definitely got more and more oblivious to what needs doing as time has gone on. He is also more out of touch with what the kids are up to and what they need to do in the evenings, it is all my job now.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 01/06/2013 19:40

We were the opposite. When he worked and I didn't, I felt really resentful of him. Now I'm working again it's much better.

We have a cleaner too though, so no squabbles over housework.

ashesgirl · 01/06/2013 19:41

Does he expect you to do the housework and gets annoyed if you don't keep on top of it?

Not sure if I misread that but it sounded a bit that way.

Tiredemma · 01/06/2013 19:41

We would probably kill each other because we wouldnt be able to afford to eat and im a horrible person when im hungry.

Doingakatereddy · 01/06/2013 19:52

I gave up work last year & its definately reduced our arguments.

This is possibly due to me doing all cleaning, cooking, shopping, bills etc but not working full time on top, travelling 140 miles a day & brining in £20kmore than DH.

So he's happy. Jury's out for me Hmm

DumSpiroSpero · 01/06/2013 19:55

DH and I both work TTO - he's full time, I'm p/t and the holidays are so much less stressful.

I'm dreading the next 7 weeks - summer term is a bastard isn't it

livinginwonderland · 01/06/2013 19:58

I think it's about how stressed you are, really. DP and I only ever argue when one/both of us is stressed out. If we're both relaxed/happy, we never fight or bicker at all.

Original poster
DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 20:00

ashesgirl no not all he is quite laid back about chores and I'm a stress head! I think I nag him loads and he puts it off and then falls asleep. He is very much " il do it later" and I'm "now now now!"

I don't mind doing the housework I just run out if time. I like it all to be done so when the dcs are on bed we can sit and have an evening. I can't relax if their is loads still to do. My house isn't spotless or anything but I like it clean and tidy. Dp also leaves loads of clutter lying around which drives me insane as does dd.

I feel dd has been better behaved too as its decent time iv had with her and not just tea, bath, homework bed!

OP posts:
Shitsinger · 01/06/2013 20:01

So you argue less because you do all the chores Hmm

Original poster
DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 20:04

I think it's my early start that does it, I start the day stressed and we sometimes snap at each other in a morning so don't start on good terms. That's really something I'd like to change and work on. It's such a rush to get dcs up and out to cm for half 7 as its a 20 min uphill walk. Dd is incredibly slow in a morning and struggles to get up for 6.20.

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 01/06/2013 20:07

When I was on Mat Leave, things felt more tense between dh and I. The fact one of us earned the.money and the other did the home/baby stuff made me feel quite stressed. I prefer us both working equally and both being equally reaponsible for both the wage and the running of the house. Addiionally, parenting is totally 50/50. It isnt for everyone but its right for us.

If.one of us (either) didnt work and the other one did, I feel we would argue more.

Original poster
DuttyWine · 01/06/2013 20:07

No he does chores, he does bins, cooking, dishwasher and on a weekend will Hoover. I do all laundry, sorting out dcs clothes, lunches, packing their bags, bedding, dusting and cleaning bathroom. He likes to put things off until last minute and I like it done straight away. In the school holidays I do more because I'm at home more.

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 01/06/2013 20:08

Ok, it sounds like you are stressed in that you're working and taking on all the domestic stuff yourself. So I'm not surprised really that you think your life would ease off a bit if you gave up, it prob would!

Just not sure giving up work is the answer. If he helped more, you might feel less stressed.

I gave up work but tbh it brought a different set of problems in terms of finances and the dynamic changed. And within a year, was back at work. But, in some ways it was easier, yes.

AnnoyedAtWork · 01/06/2013 20:14

We were the opposite- when I was at home I was bored and resentful of him being at work so we fought a lot. We couldn't empathise with the other persons day?

Now we both work we generally get on a lot better - the dynamic of our relationship is better and we fight less. However when we both have holiday / at weekends we are obviously both more relaxed and affectionate than when both working.

AnnoyedAtWork · 01/06/2013 20:16

Oh and housework fell to me when I was at home which I hated. Now neither of us do it or we both do it! Messy house doesn't bother me as much when I'm not there most of the day!