To ask if anyone gave up work and found they argued less with their partner?

[DuttyWine]

Hi I'm lucky to work term time only and the past three half terms I have found me and my dp hardly bicker/argue during the holidays.

Not sure if its because i am more relaxed, I enjoy my job but it can be stressful, or if its because I keep on top of the housework which is what we mainly bicker about.

I'm not in the position to be able to give up work but was wondering if anybody had and felt their relationship was happier. By the way it's only low level bickering mainly about chores and little everyday things we are generally happy.

Hmmm. I think I am happier beingback at work than I was when off with two small children who were crap sleepers. I just found it hugely stressful. Find life still hugely stressful working part time but am marginally happier. We have major financial worries with no end in sight which is like a large rain cloud forever over us though.

Xpost dutty

Dp does also do a lot of weekend overtime sometimes doing 7 days a week as we need the money. He has to leave just before 7 but then he doesn't have a lunch break so he can finish at 2.30 to pick up dcs.

Sometimes I think I need to chill out and not worry about the housework but it really stresses me, If people are coming around I'm a nightmare worrying about how the house looks!

Ashes has it - working and doing all the domestic work is stressful. But you shouldn't be trying to do all of that yourself anyway. Give him a boot up the arse

Do you enjoy working? If not and you'd be happier at home then I would say go for it if you think it will work for you. However if you enjoy your job/value your time away from home/etc, then think carefully and don't give that up just because he isn't currently pulling his weight in the home stuff, that doesn't seem fair.

willowstar I feel for you there. A lot of our unhappiness is money related but in a way that keeps us strong as we are facing it together.

I have a job that is stressful but also fulfilling and I feel I am making a positive difference to other people as well as being a good role model to my children especially my dd (sorry for the cheesiness there!

I think we are both a bit stubborn and if I nag he will put it off on principle! Sometimes he will get a cleaning big and go the house top to bottom like he is on speed!

When he was out of work he did everything at home but was very low in confidence and hated not bringing in a wage.

I loved being on mat leave but felt a bit in "baby world" so when I went back I enjoyed the social side too.

Cleaning bug and do the house top to bottom. Sorry.

Yy def get a cleaner if you can. If not, it sometimes helps to divide the housework by tasks eg one person does all meal planning cooking and shopping & cleans kitchen the other does all laundry and ironing and cleans bathroom. that way you don't nag each other if you each have responsibility for particular areas? We generally split it like this because I hate cooking and DP is pretentious about food and it feels fairly equal.

We are getting a cleaner soon though it is also the other kind of housework that takes time and energy by which I mean meal planning or bureaucracy (bills admin etc) so make sure you split this equally too.

I find getting all the dcs things organised a headache! The dinner money, pe, ballet, school and changing bags packed and organised... Maybe it's a bag issue

madame do is a chef so we have kitchen issues anyway!

Sorry dp is a chef... Stupid iPhone!

When I was at home with DC and DH was at work we didn't argue at all.
It was a great arrangement - I looked after DC, cleaned, cooked, did the washing very quickly in the morning and then took DC out with friends for lunch or had friends over. DH came home from work and we spent the evening and weekends together.
Now I work and we argue all of the time. All of the chores I did in the day are done after work at the weekend and are split between us. We bicker constantly :( I hate it.

Ugh I sympathise. Mine thinks he is a chef! So I can never do it right even if I wanted to. But I am fine with not cooking! The bickering happens when u both do the same task and both of you are bossy pants think your way is better.

But I realise I lied earlier - I never iron we do it on an ad hoc basis - ie DP irons a shirt if he needs one and usually mine too

Yy hate packing school bags etc. luckily dd only does swimming which is same day every week.

Neither of us iron so at least that's one less chore to worry about!

It depends on the sort of person you are.

Much is mocked here of being a 1950's house wife - well my mother was, and she chose to work, and both my parents ingrained in me the need to be self sufficient. I could no more be a kept woman and a SAHP than stick pins in my own eyes.

But I realise that is acceptable for some parents to be supported by the other, and I'm sure it works for their relationship dynamic.

I like the jizz work give me, I hate holidays, it's like my life has been sucked away. I've always lived to work, not worked to live.

I dislike packing school / cm stuff every night too OP. It's having to remember loads of stuff, and always feeling like there's loads to do and no time.

The v early morning starts sound hard, especially 20 min walk to cm early, but on the up side you get time together later in the day?

Sounds like you have quite high standards with the housework.

If your DP is a messy chef, leave him to tidy it up! My mum (who always uses 5 pans for any meal!) taught DB and me that part of being a good home chef is washing/tidying as you go along!

Visitors won't care about the state of your house, most people just want a cup of tea and somewhere to sit!

Other upsides to your situation sound to be that neither of you work mega-long hours and that you share the childcare and domestics (although you do more and have higher standards). Your job being term-time only will be great when DC get to school age.

(my DH works silly hours, I work PT and we both commute, am always wishing for more time). The SaHMs I know do almost everything at home, and their husbands work all the time.

It's the other way round for us. When I'm at home on mat leave I'm angry and resentful of DH because his life doesn't change. I have a stressful job, but I thrive on it. We argue much more when I'm not working because I take it out on him that I'm lonely, bored and tired.

We used to argue about the chores when he did the garden and I did the cleaning. It used to really piss me off that he pottered round the garden in the sunshine while I dusted. So we got a cleaner and a gardener. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom when I know that's all I've got to do.

Don't give up work to do all the housework just because you might argue less. That's demeaning you as a person.

No, because he respected me less when I wasn't 'careery' and I am a crappola housewife. I now work from home, and his expectations are still ridiculous.

Ha ha - my DH is a chef too!

Does yours ever cook?

He moans about cooking at home when he does it all day but does most of the cooking still at home...if I cook He's like a backstreet driver (if that's what you call it) telling me how to do it and which knife to use and what colour chopping board!

I wouldn't give up work unless we could afford it, and even then I think id still do part time, I just wondered if people had given up work and found they got on better with their partner.

I think we just have different standards and priorities when it comes to chores so maybe need to find a middle ground.

We don't argue any more or less since I returned to work, but there is more negotiating because there is more to do and one less person to do it.

No, we argue more of I'm not working.

If pretty much all the housework fell to me, I would be resentful as hell.

I haven't given up work but went into teaching which means my weekends are almost work free and I have long stretches where I do no work at all and we definitely row less.

Flosshilde - nail on head. :)