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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be surprized and wonder if it's cultural?

81 replies

loopyluna · 01/06/2013 13:56

Just dropped 7 year old DD at a party and am a bit shocked. The inviter is a lovely little girl who does gymnastics with DD. They've been in the same group since September and get on really well. DD also knows her 8 year old sister and one other gym friend but noone else.

Background :We live in a small, predominantly white, middle class village about 20 minutes away from the town where the birthday girl lives. The town is very multiculural and very poor. We haven't been to her house before and I only know her mum to say hi to at gym, however she is always really pleasant and friendly and both her daughters are lovely so, no qualms about leaving DD with them for an afternoon (party at their house.)

Anyway, the reason I'm shocked is that I just took DD over and the friend, her sister and even the mum, were dressed in the most exquisite, white, sticky out party dresses. They had professional looking make up on and intricate hairstyles with extensions! (Except mum who always has her head covered.)

DD was in jeans and trainers!

I commented on how beautiful they looked, checked mum had my mobile number and kissed DD goodbye. On the way back to the car, I saw another invitee arrive and she was also wearing a similar frilly white dress!

I have 3 DC so have been to plenty birthday bashes over the years and have never seen this kind of outfit! I used to encourage DD to wear a dress for a party but she's recently decided that dresses are no fun for playing in and prefers a pretty top and jeans. I'm now worried that she's feeling really awkward and embarrassed if she's the only one like that?!

I think the family are muslim, (purely based on the mum's head scarf) and they are black. The other little guest I saw was fair haired though so is it more a town thing than a cultural thing?

AIBU to be bothered at all? I'm just really surprized and hope DD isn't bothered and is having fun!

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 01/06/2013 14:22

That sounds very familiar, although ours were in a host of rainbow colours. Smile

MrsOakenshield · 01/06/2013 14:22

I know exactly the kind of dress you mean, the shops round here (mainly West African, not Muslim though, or not predominantly) are full of them. Stiff shiny material very decorated in beading and sequins etc. Don't know if girls wear them to birthday parties but I do know that at church the children can be dressed up to the nines in their Sunday best. The older women look amazing in full traditional African dress. The younger women can look like their going clubbing, but wearing white (cos it's church), which always looks a tad bizarre to me, but whatever!

MrsOakenshield · 01/06/2013 14:23

they're, not their Blush pedant fail.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/06/2013 14:25

Yes people are different. I am sure the OP knows that. But if you have never seen it before or you dont see it all the time, its going to stand out. That doesnt make you stupid. Hmm

GiveMumABreak · 01/06/2013 14:25

I think it's lovely that your DD has friends that aren't exactly the same as her - I would also have been a little surprised. Although the family would never have expected you to follow their customs, and will no doubt ensure your daughter is made to feel welcome and having a great time. I think it's a little learning curve for all involved and a great way to learn to appreciate other cultures.

I don't think this is a bizarre post at all by the way.

Rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2013 14:25

I may well have misunderstood your post. I did wonder why you asked if you were being unreasonable to be bothered at all.

Rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2013 14:27

Wannbe - I didn't say the op was stupid. I did say I was surprised that she was surprised at people dressing differently to her and her own family and I still stand by that. I certainly didn't want to start an argument.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/06/2013 14:28

How are different cultures ever going to learn about each other if asking questions is seen as racist/ignorant/sheltered?

Original poster
loopyluna · 01/06/2013 14:28

Rainbow -it was more "aibu to be bothered that DD might feel awkward to be wearing jeans when everyone else is wearing a white dress"...
I'm still a bit worried that she will feel underdressed tbh.

OP posts:
Rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2013 14:30

Err not did I say she was racist.
I'd agree with ignorant and sheltered though although I guess I am also ignorant and sheltered about people being surprised at this sort of thing.

Rainbowinthesky · 01/06/2013 14:32

I am leaving thread now before I get accused of anything else.
OP, I am sure your dd will have a great time and apologises if have grossly misinterpreted your original post. I guess I was expressing surprise and wonder in a similar way to you. Smile

GoblinGranny · 01/06/2013 14:32

You know what helps when people are ignorant?
Educating them. Answering their genuine questions politely.

Meerkatwhiskers · 01/06/2013 14:32

I've known african families who will spend thousands of £'s on a child's birthday party and their party dresses so yes it is a cultural thing.

Not an odd question at all. I live in a very diverse town yet drive 10 mins down the road and you are in the middle of white middle class home counties villages.

Fakebook · 01/06/2013 14:35

You asked if yabu to be bothered: yes you are.

I don't understand why you mentioned the area they live in is multicultural and poor. I live in a multicultural city and it certainly isn't poor Hmm. It's like you're implying they're chavs.

Asking them about their dresses would have been more appropriate than going away feeling suprised. I always ask people from other cultures about their attire if I'm feeling inquisitive.

Strange person. Might be good to get out of that bubble you're living in.

Mumsyblouse · 01/06/2013 14:37

In some cultures, like my husband's culture, they love dressing up for occasions, so when mine had a birthday in that country, they got all dressed up in sparkly dresses, went to hairdresser on the day and so on (no make up though beyond lipgloss). I don't think children are that fussed what others wear at a party, not aged 7 anyway, I have one child who always dresses with the most amount of sparkles possible (on shoes, dresses, hairband, bangles the whole shebang) and one who just wears simpler though nice clothes. I probably wouldn't encourage them to wear jeans to a party, just because I'm not a great fan of jeans at other people's occasions and for the same reason I don't wear jeans to work, but if they really wanted to, no real reason why not. And there's always one or two children in more casual clothes next to the really overdressed one, even at school discos, they don't seem to notice!

Original poster
loopyluna · 01/06/2013 14:37

I don't think I'm ignorant or sheltered at all and find that very insulting. Especially considering I don't even live in the UK so have certainly experienced cultural differences!
However, I should have known how aibus can be twisted in every which way.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 01/06/2013 14:37

I worked in an area that was largely first generation immigrant, and a lot of odd questions were asked and numerous cultural assumptions were challenged.
One of my favourites was a friend who announced her oncoming marriage to her class, and was surprised that they all knew already, because she hadn't said anything at all.
'Oh yes, when white women are going to get married, their hair goes curly'

Shock

With excitement?
As a sign of readiness to mate?

No, with the predictable perm that was so fashionable at that time. The children had observed, discussed and made a rational assumption.

Original poster
loopyluna · 01/06/2013 14:41

Good grief Fakebook! I said that these are people I like. The town they live in is extremely poor. They are not chavs whatever that may mean.
Chav is a word that didn't exist when I lived in England!

My question, again, aibu to be bothered that my DD is deessed differently?

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/06/2013 14:43

Well they've just dressed up for a party. WHY is that so odd??

Mumsyblouse · 01/06/2013 14:44

My husband's culture is not African, by the way, more eastern european. I hope, Op, that on seeing these little girls, you exclaimed 'wow, you look amazing, I love your dress/hair/shoes' etc because having got all dressed up, appreciation is the appropriate response. I wouldn't ask 'why are you dressed like that, is it your culture?' because it's obvious why they are dressed like that- it's a paaaaarty (and they may equally say 'why are you dressed in jeans and trainers?)

GoblinGranny · 01/06/2013 14:44

Do you think that DD will care? If she's a friend, she may well end up being lent a scarf,or a bit of jewellery or something to dress up in.

garlicgrump · 01/06/2013 14:44

Goblin Grin Great story!

GoblinGranny · 01/06/2013 14:45

In fact, looking at your first post, I wonder if you're in Lancashire...Grin

chocoluvva · 01/06/2013 14:46

She might be feeling underdressed. Or she might be so busy having fun that she's not thinking about her clothes.

Hopefully she won't be the only one in jeans.

If there are any boys there they won't be in dresses!

Mumsyblouse · 01/06/2013 14:46

I don't think there's going to be any issue with your dd's clothing, I've noticed children vary enormously in how much they are into the party clothing thing, some are encased in satin with sequinned pumps and some are in trousers/casual cotton clothes. I don't think they will be that fussed at all, probably really glad you drove over. Don't think about it again and don't get into a silly debate over it just because you were amazed by the sheer partiness of their dresses and made the mistake of posting about this on MN.