To expect a +1 invite to a wedding, given I am a bridesmaid?

[bridesmaidzilla20]

Thank you for your advice and opinions, I'm trying hard to get my head around this one and move on!
I am a bridesmaid (one of three) for a very good friend. When I was asked she told me that my long-term boyfriend was also 'of course' invited (although she actually did not know him that well).
I was very pleased to be asked and have enjoyed going to dress fittings, 'bridesmaid get-togethers', organising the hen, pretending I like the hideous dress she wants us to wear and taking a week off work to help around the wedding itself etc. etc.
Eight months before the wedding I broke up with my boyfriend, and have since got together with a lovely guy, who has met the bride and groom several times. The wedding is three months away and invitations about to be sent out. I mentioned the other night that I wasn't sure whether my new boyfriend would be able to come to the wedding as his work rota is yet to be finalised.
At this point she said that there is no longer any space for me to bring a guest, but they would review the situation after sending out invitations and getting returns. I was really surprised, and said as much - wondering whether I had offended her in some way or whether she wasn't keen on my new boyfriend - she said no, it was just about space. For perspective, they are inviting 150 guests, so not a tiny wedding.
I'm really struggling to understand this, as the other two bridesmaids have +1 invites (although both living with boyfriends) and plenty of other guests have +1 invites......... Am I being unreasonable to expect a +1 invite as a bridesmaid?
I'm trying so hard to suck it up, remember this is her wedding and stop seeing things from my point of view. The difficulty for me is that I felt pretty special when I was asked to be a bridesmaid, whereas now I feel like I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list in my friend's mind.
I really upset her when I told her how I felt, and quickly apologised, but I would like to understand where she is coming from on this?

Asking you to take a week off for the wedding? Now that is unreasonable!

To help with what exactly? Is there to be a Hollywood all singing all dancing extravaganza and you're the choreographer?

My first wedding was in a village hall we had to decorate ourselves and I made some of the bridesmaids dresses. No-one including me took a week off work, and we only decided to get married about 6 months before the wedding.A few people helped us out the day before the wedding.
What are you doing in the week before? Building the venue?

Won't you be on the top table anyway and your partner seated with everyone else.It will only be the evening do when you will be together.

I think in technical etiquette you only have to invite couples who are 'social units' - in other words, established couples (though definitions of this vary from the original definition of a married couple, some class it as a specific time period, or couples who are living together/engaged - though it is considered rude to invite half a married couple regardless of the relationship with the 'non-friend' half). The living together/engaged distinction seems the be the most common definition. So the bride hasn't done anything wrong. She probably had your ex down as a friend too, when you broke up decided that she may as well invite Aunty So-and-So not expecting you to get into a new relationship so quickly.

That said she's coming across as quite demanding with the asking you to take a week off work! At the very least it would be a gracious gesture to extend an evening invitation to your new partner (to be honest he might feel a bit left out during the ceremony/dinner itself) to make sure you have a great time after all your hard work!

I agree, 3 months is alot of time in which to order an extra meal and squeeze in one more person. It all sounds over regimented, but alot of weddings are.

It's rude, and there's not other way of trying to explain it away. Single guests get invited with +1's, unless they are a specific social group - eg it's ok to invite a table full of workmates without +1's as they will be there as a social group together. But to invite everyone else with a +1, regardless of the length of time of their relationship, and leave one person on their own, is absolutely rude.

Aside from anything else, we're talking about a bridesmaid here! Someone who is closer to you than Great Auntie Ada who you've only seen once a year or a group of workmates. If you can't spare a place on the guest list and put your hand in your pocket to pay for the meal of the boyfriend of the person you're close enough to that you've asked them to wait on your hand and foot for the last few months, then you really are quite a twat.

I agree with everything MidniteScribbler wrote.

Sorry but i think YABU, I understand you want to have someone there but they knew your bf (presumably) more then this one plus it's the 'space' possibility.

Most people who get married where it's expensive or very limited on space will have three lists: day time, night time and 'one's you'd love during the day but can't squeeze in currently' and I've know from having a good friend who is a coordinator and sees this all the time, that if plus ones drop out in the few months close to the day then priority goes to those people on the third list.

However, the question is, was your invite addressed to you and him, or you plus one? IF you and him, then it's not actually a plus one, it's you and him invited and if one can't make you don't get to bring another. If it was a plus one then the Bride/Groom should have said something to you, possibly they didn't want to upset you further when you'd broken up, but they should have said something.

I agree that the Bride/Groom should have said something sooner re whether you could bring a new partner but it's likely that this wasn't top of their priority list.

They may have wanted to give you some space after the break-up, was it a long term relationship? They probably didn't expect you to get together with somebody else so soon after.

Honestly, some of the opinions on this thread seem very entitled as if the B&G should have to bend over backwards for you because you are BM.

I'd say ask directly for an evening party invite for your partner, don't take a weeks annual leave for the wedding & just try to focus on your friend's wedding & not the fact your partner is not invited to the day events.

Sorry I'm with the bride.
We had the same - one of the bridesmaids was with a guy for 8 / 9 years, they have a child together etc..

They broke up about 9 months before the wedding and about 4 months later she gets together with a (seemingly lovely) guy.

We met him a few times and he came to our house the once too but he'd only been in her life for a few months so didn't make the cut for a wedding invite.

For all we knew he may have been out of her life soon after the wedding (or even before), add to that the fact there were long standing friends and even cousins (we both have massive families) who we couldn't invite due to numbers.... no way was he coming. Not because we disliked him or anything but because there were dozens of people above him on the pecking order.
Happily they were both very understanding and saw it from our point of view.

Years and years ago when we first got together, I was that guy... we'd only been seeing each other for a few months so she went to her friends wedding alone and I went to the evening do.
15 years later we still see said friend and husband a lot and get on very well. She has since said that in hindsight it would have been nice to have me there but I don't blame her at all, back then they didn't know me from Adam.

YANBU. If others are getting a +1 invitation to bring whoever they like, you should be given one too.

I am currently planning a wedding (very small) and the issue of plus one is giving me a right headache. I am unhappy with the fact I need to invite partners of the bestman and bridesmaid - who I have never met (Bridesmaid because its a newish relationship and he is in navy, bestman because his on again/off again girlfriend of a year is never with the bestman when we see him). I have two lovely friends I want to invite but cant because two people i dont know are invited.... but hey...

I am not even sure the girlfriend of the BM will even come.... my OH is advocating for a general +1 for him regardless (which is fair enough i suppose cos he doesn't really know anyone else) but my gosh does it annoy me the thought of a randomer at our small intimate wedding.

The guest list is hard. I think its impossible to do it without upsetting someone. Usually the couple are the ones who have spent the most time arguing and getting upset over it. :(

I would say YABU, but I can totally understand why you felt hurt at the same time.

At my wedding - only one of my bridesmaids brought her husband as she had a newborn baby, her daughter was my flower girl and they were married. None of my friends or family brought +1s unless it was a long-term/marriage relationship. We did have a much smaller wedding but I can understand your friend inviting your ex but not your new partner, guest lists are incredibly hard to narrow down and having someone there you barely know (and without any offence being meant) and who hasn't been involved that long with the person you want there is not going to be a priority unless you have limitless funds and space for people.

I have been single for a while and have never ever been allocated a +1 at a wedding. Am going to one in 2 weeks and will know about 4 people there - all of whom are in a relationship & are taking their partners. The groom (my friend - I don't really know the bride very well) has already told me I'm going to be the only single person there. I'm sure I'll cope!

YANBU. Of course you should have had a +1 invite, and the fact that you're her BM just makes it unbelievably rude. It's not as if she's having a small, intimate wedding, 150 is bloody massive.

I'll admit to not having read all 4 pages of this thread but I got married just under 3 months ago and it's really really difficult to please all the people all the time!

People call you 'bridezilla' because you have to make difficult decisions over guest list whilst you're trying to balance out your budget against family pressures & a million and one other things. It's stressful!

One person commented that the Bride here was rude..no, she isn't being rude. She has to choose who she gives these limited invites to causing limited upset. One more person in the day could just mean another £100 or so.

Yes, it's lovely to be able to invite everyone all day, but sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes you do have to invite your aunty over a friends' fairly new b/f. I'm sure she's trying to do the best she can and also will invite him if she gets back a 'no'. It's a common practice and shouldn't be taken with any offense. He can come to the evening where you can both dance the evening away.

Also, why do you need to take a week off? I took 2 days and that was more than enough as the Bride. But do enjoy the day & don't dread it

I think I would feel as you do - if she had been apologetic it might have felt better.

Despite what people are saying about money I think it is unusual not to invite the partner of a bridesmaid.

Organising weddings is ridiculously stressful and some people are so arsey about it that you end up trying to please them and pleasing no-one.

The best favour you can do for her now is to suck it up

OTOH I'd watch for other signs of selfishness from her .....